I am dreading tomorrow

Tomorrow is Friday, and it's a day that I've been dreading all this month. The reason I am dreading tomorrow is because I have another meeting with my lawyer. Just like the last time I don't know what to expect, and not knowing is harder than knowing at all. I don't know if I am ready for this meeting. I've been trying to pick up the pieces of my life and now I am back to square one. I am back to being that little child uncertain about what to do. I have a dozen thoughts going through my mind. There are so many things I want to know, but yet at the same time I don't want to know. Then again I have to wonder if I am ready for this journey. I wonder if I can handle what I will hear. I wonder if I will be able to keep my head on straight, and keep from totally losing it. I am so scared and nervous about tomorrow. That knot in the pit of my stomach is still there getting bigger by the minute. I've had headaches all week long due to all the worrying. The lawyer has told me that all he wants to do is talk about the success or the failure of this case, and with a statement like that it's hard to see if I have a case or not, and if I do have a case, can it be won? I know that I definitely don't want the hospital to get away with what they did to you. I want them to held accountable for your death. I even want them to admit that they did you wrong. I want to them to look me in the eyes and tell me that they killed you. I want the hospital to look at me and see how much pain and heartache they have caused in my life. I lost my only son, and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I want to make sure I have the answers I need to give me closure and as much as I know it could hurt me, I still want to know and I know that deserve closure. Nothing will ever bring you back, but I want to make sure that you know I am doing what I can to make this right. I want to make sure that the people responsible pay for their mistake. I want to make sure they know that they have a son away from his mother, and a brother away from his sister. I want them to know that our lives are totally turned upside down and that we are still searching for our "normal". Will it ever come? Who knows. Maybe?

I've decided that I am going to do things different with this visit. I am not riding with my EX & his mother. I am taking my big brother with me and by doing this I am hoping that I might feel more secure. I always feel like I am getting attacked with I am with my Ex and his mother. They expect me to be over losing you by now and that's going to happen. It's not going to happen for me. They may be over losing you, they are both enjoying their lives with their "New" significant others. My Ex already had somebody else before we even separated and he's continued to enjoy his life and his mother broke things off with her husband for someone else too!! All they both out of this case is the money. His mom thinks all her good deeds will make up for her son not being there when you were so sick, and that I will just sit back and let them collect off you like I don't care. Well I have to say that they both something else coming to them. I am not going to sit here and them take advantage of the situation. I am your mom, I never said that you were not my son, I was there when you were so sick, I was there for you when no one else was. I am mother who lost her son and I know that I can never get you back no matter how much I try and ask God to send you back to me and your sister. I am the one who had to suffer to bring you into the world and I am the one who felt you move and grow way before they even knew you. I will do what's right. I've loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant and I will love you until the day that I die.

I have a headache right now and I know that it's because of my stress and thinking about tomorrow so much does not help. Cylas, please be close to me tomorrow. Give me the strength I need to make it through.

Mommy

The Ramblings of Cylas' Mom

For the longest time before I had children I didn't like to celebrate Christmas. My family called me the Grinch and I held up that name with great pride. I didn't like Christmas because that meant the next holiday would be New Years. In 1993, my cousin John was killed. He was run over by a car and died from his injuries on the way to hospital. They were never able to catch his killer. So, from there on out I didn't feel like celebrating Christmas because I knew around the corner would be New Years. My grandma, your great grandma Charlotte, passed away January of 1981. Then in 1993 my aunt Jane lost her Husband Jeff, 20 days after we lost John. Jeff died of a massive heart attack on January 20th. Then on January 10, 2001, my favorite uncle Woodrow, passed away unexpectedly. And now, January has taken yet another loved one away from me. On January 15th, I lost you. You died at 9:10 pm of complete organ failure. On that day my world was shaken to the core. I prayed so hard, asking God to save your life and to let you stay here with me. I told God that he could take me and leave you.The one thing I didn't want was to lose you. I wanted you with all my heart and soul. I finally had my little boy and I wanted to hold onto you for as long as possible. My heart is broken and I don't know how long it will remain broken. So I am not too fond of January coming after December. January is just a reminder of what I've lost in my life.

When I had your sister my feelings toward Christmas changed a little bit. I no longer felt the need to try and be so cold during that time. Your sister had given me the oppurtunity to smile and enjoy what I had. I know that she doesn't remember her 1st Christmas, but I do. Watching her try and open her gifts and then seeing her hit her cousin in the head with a block. She was just trying to learn how walk and she was already crawling all over the place. The reason her gifts were wrapped was to watch her fight with the paper. But since then, I've started putting all her gifts in a bag, not being a Grinch, just being lazy. Christmas 2007 was supposed to be special not just for me but for her too. She was waiting for a new "sister" to come. My due date was December 26 and all I kept thinking was how in the world will this child ever have a birthday separated from Christmas. But Cylas, that didn't happen and your born by emergency C-Section on December 24th. So I missed Christmas with your sister, but you were here and you were safe, and at the time that's all that mattered. I didn't know that 3 weeks later I would be saying goodbye. I regreted not being home for Christmas with your sister, but she understood and from what I hear she didn't miss at all. All she wanted was her presents that I had ready 2 weeks before.

So now I don't only dread January but I am back to not wanting Christmas to come at all. I want to ball up and hide this holiday season. I keep telling myself that I can make it through, but I really must be kidding myself. I try to plan something for your 1st Birthday, but nothing I come up with seems good enough for you. What do you get an angel baby who already has everything? Your sister is trying to find something for you, but all we can do is place it on your grave, so I don't know if I will let her do that. Last night she was really missing you!! I can't even begin to imagine what December will be like. I want to do something really special for you to let you know that I love you. I am at a loss for words right now. Christmas will never be the same again. Instead of celebrating with 2 children, I am trying to find a way to stay positive for your sister. I know that it is going to be very hard and no matter how much I prepare myself for the holidays I know that all my pain and heartache will come back full force. I want you. Cylas, I want you.

Halloween is Friday. Your "dad" is taking Prairie trick or treating on Thursday and then on Friday I'll take her. I keep thinking that I should have you, and you would be dressed up like a cute little monkey, I should have you and Prairie this time. Prairie was a mermaid but she missed up that costume so now she will be Little Red Riding Hood. Halloween is just the beginning. I miss you!!!!

Mommy

The Countdown Begins

Today is Monday so that makes it 4 days until I meet with the lawyer again. My anxiety is already building. I am so nervous and scared. I am not sure what will happen this time. Will I hear good news or bad news? Will my heart be in even more pain after this meeting? Will I be able to be strong enough to sit there and listen to what the lawyer has to say? Will I hear that your death was "natural"? Or will I hear that if your treated differently you would still be here? Will I hear that it was my fault? Will I hear that I did something wrong while I was pregnant with you? Will I hear that I do have a case against the hospital? Or will I hear that I don't have a case? If we do have a case, then how successful will we be?

I've already started losing sleep over this big date coming up. I have a huge knot in the pit of my stomach. I worry so much. I try to stay busy and not think about it but now that it's this Friday there's not much I can do to keep from freaking out. I tried to be prepared and tell myself that everything was going to be ok. The last time I told myself that everything was going to be ok was right after I had you and we were still in the hospital. I asked God to look over us and keep us in his grip. I prayed for you asking him to place his healing hand upon you and asked him to let everything work out. I thanked him for giving me a beautiful little boy to finish off my family. But now that I've lost you, I often wonder if I counted my blessings too soon. I wonder if I was being punished for my failed marriage. I wonder if I was unworthy to have such a wonderful gift of life placed in my hands.

The more I think about this the more enclosed I feel. I feel like I am in a huge box that's filling up fast. I HATE FEELING SO LOST IN MY THOUGHTS. I HATE DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I HATE THAT INSTEAD OF ENJOYING YOU I AM HAVING TO WAIT ON SOME RESULTS THAT I AM NOT SURE I WANT TO HEAR!!!

Cylas, I miss you so much!!!

Mommy

Tomorrow

Tomorrow you will be 10 months old, and it is yet another date that I don't get to share with you. I keep thinking about all the stuff I am missing and there are times I get so angry I just don't know what to do. Everytime I see another baby my eyes fill up with tears. I guess I am reminded of what I don't have and it hurts all over again. Last year at this time I was on bed rest and counting down to the day when I would be able to hold you in my arms. I think I was about 31 weeks and I was just hoping that I could make it to at least 36 weeks before I delievered. I was planning on you coming early, but that didn't happen.

I am so worried about next Friday. I am trying to sort out my thoughts and I am trying to prepare myself for what I might hear. I am also thinking ahead in regards to the settlement, if there is one. And on that note I think I am in for a fight. According to the law your "dad" is NOT entitled to any part of the settlement because he abandoned us while I was pregnant and when you died we were already divorced. I honestly don't think he deserves to become rich off a son he didn't claim so I will hire a lawyer and I will fight to keep him from receiving any money. I know that I sound greedy but I am not. Your "dad" really hurt me when he denied you and I don't think it's fair that he is sitting around with his hands open waiting for the money to fall into his hands. I am not the same person I was before I lost you and your "dad" is probably thinking that he can do me in and I won't do anything about it, well that is not going to happen. But aside from the settlement, the only thing I want is you. I would rather have you more than any amount of money in the world. I wish I could say that your "dad" felt the same way.

Cylas, please stay close by from now until next Friday. I am going to need you more than anyone could know. I only want to do the right thing by you and since I couldn't save you I will try my best to make sure no one does you wrong. I am going to make sure your "dad" doesn't get anything from this case since you were not his son. You were my son, and I loved you with all my heart!!

Mommy

(Sorry this is a day early, but I won't be able to post tomorrow)

Another Sad Day

Four months ago today, there was funeral being held for one of our own, Trooper Shawn Blanton. He was killed while on duty. In the months that have passed everyone on the reservation has come to love the family he left behind. His wife, Michaela, and son, Tye, who was born 7 weeks prematurely. We are all one big family and we prayed for Michaela and Tye, he suffered from heart and neurologicial(?) problems. He underwent heart surgery at Duke University hospital a month ago, and little Tye was starting to make progress once again. We recevied updates from his mom and family and it seemed that just maybe Shawn's legacy would live on through his son. Then, on Friday, October 17th, four months to day of his dad's passing, it was announced over local news channels and in local papers that the little boy we had grown to love had passed away. Today is little Tye's funeral and as I sit here writing this my heart just breaks for his mother, Michaela. I know that I've suffered the loss of a child, but I can't imagine losing a husband and a child in four months time. I just ask that whoever reads this post to please remember Michaela, and the Blanton Family in your prayers.

Cylas, mommy asks that you and your angel friends please welcome Tye with open arms and make him feel at home. I love you my little angel and I will never forget you!!

Mommy

CYLAS YOUR GONE

Cylas your gone, and there's nothing I can do about it. Your sister and I miss you so much! Sometimes I wonder how we've made it from January to now. I think about you all the time. I find myself prowling in your diaper bag. I don't know what I am looking for or what I might expect to find. Then I have another bag that has your pictures and other stuff in it. I pull it all out and somtimes I cry and then there are times when I look at all that stuff in amazement. I can't believe that you've come and that you are already gone. I constantly wish for another day, knowing that it will NEVER happen.Just when I think I'm handling everything ok, I find myself lost in my grief. I still blame myself for what happened to you. I blame your so called "dad" for what happened because he denied you. I blame the hospital for not working fast enough to find out what was wrong with you and I blame them for not caring enough to not know they were killing you and then expecting us to believe that you died of natural causes, we're not STUPID!!

I get angry because I had to lose you.I get angry because I had to tell your sister that you weren't coming home. I get angry because I had to break her little heart. I get angry because you couldn't stay. I get angry because parents are not suppose to bury their children, it's suppose to be the other way around. I get angry because I feel so alone. I get angry because I don't know who else to BLAME besides myself. I get angry because I'll never feel you in my arms again. I get angry because I am so stressed out that if you are sending any signs that you are around, I'll never be able to see them because of that stress!

Sometimes I wish that I had one more day to hold you and tell you that I love you over and over again.I wish that I had the words to make your sister feel better when she's crying for you. Sometimes I wish that I was as strong as everyone says that I am. Sometimes I wish that this were all a bad dream and I would wake up and see your beautiful face light up my day. Sometimes I wish that this didn't have to happen.

Missing you,

Mommy

OCTOBER 15TH

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

You've Been In Heaven for Nine Months

You've been in heaven for nine months, my son.

Nine months seems like a long time compared to my 3 weeks.

Three weeks of joy and happiness.

You've been in heaven for nine months, my son.

Wow, it doesn't even seem that far away.

I feel like it's only been a dream.

You've been in heaven for nine months, my son.

All I've done is miss you and cry for you.

I only want you back in my life.

It's been nine months since I had to say goodbye.

Something that I never imagined I would have to do.

Each day I think of you and wonder if you're watching over me.

I miss you and your sister misses you.

Nine months and it seems like an eternity.

I will continue to carry you in my heart forever.

You've been gone nine months, my son.

Mommy

This was posted by Karry

Once upon a special day...
In heaven up above...
The tiniest souls sat at God's feet...
Surrounded by his love...
The time was coming...
very soon...God said...
'Do not be scared'...
Your family awaits your arrival...
Now let us get prepared...
And so... God looked upon these souls...
In mute consideration...
He knew the life each one would live...
He weighed each situation...
The souls chatted amongst themselves...
And wondered who they'd be...
They knew the day grew closer...soon...
They'd meet their family.
'How would you like to change the world'?
God asked each soul in fun...
'The chance to make a difference'...
Is held by only one.
I'm going to make the world laugh...
One soul said with a smile...
For laughter heals a broken heart...
And helps us through each trial...
Then take with you the brightest smile...
And share your laughter well...
The soul thanked God immensly...
And down to earth he fell.
'And I'll remind the world to sing...
A sweet little soul told the Lord...
I have the gift of a beautiful voice...
I can hit every note...every chord.
You'll have the gift of music then...
A voice...lovely and strong...
Share your gift with others...
And let them hear your song.
I will show compassion....
The next little soul raised his hand...
Some people only need a friend...
Someone to understand.
Compassion is a good thing...
God said with much delight...
To you... I will give mercy...
You'll perceive wrong from right.
And so each soul...shared every thought...
Their plans, their hopes, their dreams...
As God explained that life...it is...
Much harder than it seems.
And as each soul began to leave...
In a scurry of laughter and fun...
Heaven became quiet...Left...
was only one.
Come sit with me my little child...
God said with just a sigh...
Do you know how many you will touch...
In a world left wondering why?
From the moment that your life begins...
You... will know of strife...
But you'll teach those who know you...
To cherish the small things in life.
And some may only know you...
Through a simple photograph...
They'll never hold you in their arms...
Or memorize your laugh...
Some may only know you...
through the words they read each day...
But you'll do something wonderful...
You'll make them stop...to pray.
The tiniest soul...raised her head up...
To touch God's firm, strong hand...Father...
I am ready for...The life...that you have planned.
And I will do the best I can...
Without a word or deed...For you Lord..
are the planter...And I will be your seed.
She could already hear many praying...
And although they had not seen her face...
They were praying for her safe arrival...
They were asking for mercy and grace.
What talent do I leave with Lord?
What gift do you impart?
All that you will need God said...
I've placed within your heart.
And so God kissed this tiny child...
Knowing all that she would be...
And whispered as he watched her go...
You'll teach them...to see me.

By Stephanie Husted
(I hope it's ok for me to post this on my blog. It's very touching.)

Why Can't you come back?

Cylas, why can't you come back? That seems to be the million dollar question on everyone's mind. I want you back! Your sister wants you back! Your Nan & Pops wants you back! Your Uncle wants you back! Everyone wants you back!!! I would do anything to bring you back. My whole life I wanted to have a son. I don't exactly know why I wanted a son, but I just knew that I would get my boy one day. When I was pregnant with your sister, I just knew that I was carrying a boy, but your Nan knew better. She knew that I was getting my little princess first. Your sister acts just like me, she doesn't look like me, but she has my attitude and my OMG the fact that she doesn't have any patience isn't surprising either!!! Then when I found out you were a boy I couldn't wait until I could hold you in my arms, count your fingers and toes, run my fingers through your thick dark hair, & fall in love with you. I was worried that I couldn't love you as much as I loved your sister or that I would have a hard time taking care of both of you. I often say that your sister makes up for six children all by herself. I find myself thinking about what it would be like to have you here. I wonder if I would be doing this or watching this if you were here. Would you get along with your sister or would be just one big fight for my attention from day to day? I would love to see if you still looked like your "dad" or if your appearance has changed. I wouldn't want you to lose your chubby cheeks, I loved those!!

I would do whatever I had to do to get you back in my arms. I want both my kids to be happy and the crazy thing about that is that I know your happy. You have alot of angel friends in Heaven and I know that you enjoy playing with them. I know that you probably wouldn't want to come back if even we begged for 10 million years you'd never come back because of what you have. The hardest thing I've had to do is let you go. I didn't want to let you go, but it wasn't meant for you to stay. I worry about your sister. She wants so badly to bring you back. I've told her that I don't have that kind of magic. I told her that you took it all with you but she still has Stripes, the magic tiger. If we could only have one more day with you I would take pictures of you and your sister together, I would take pictures of you by yourself, I would look into those deep dark eyes, and I would continually count your fingers and toes. I would make sure that I held you tight and I would tell you I love you a million times. I would let your sister hold you as much as possible and I wouldn't worry about you getting spoiled. I would try to fit in as much as possible if you would only come back. I want to hear your belly laugh, I can just imagine how it would sound. And even though I don't like to hear you cry, I would let you cry for just a moment so that the sound of your laughter and cry would be imbedded in my memory forever.

I miss you and I want you in my life. I want you back! Your sister wants you back!

Mommy

Fair Week

(The picture I've included is your Cousin Kara wearing her crown.)Today will start a week of activities for the young and old. Our annual Cherokee Fair is starting today and will kick off with a parade at 4 pm. Today and this week will be another reason for me to miss you. You should be here with your mommy and sister to enjoy your first Fair. I could have probably entered you into the baby crawling contest, too!! Last year at this time I was pregnant with you and I was miserable. I didn't feel like walking around but I had to because your sister still wanted to go and ride some rides. Tonight your cousin, Kara, will have to give up her crown as Miss Cherokee. She has won all four crowns and tonight someone else will wear it. Your sissy will have to dress up in her dance outfit and be a part of Kara's program tonight. I really hope I can get her to cooperate.

Prairie went to Counseling and made a picture for you. Everything on it was you. She made sure to have your name on it so no one would think it was theirs. I don't know if she truly opens up about how much she misses you, but I know that in her little heart there is alot a pain and it's a sister missing her baby brother. I try to help her as much as I can, but I know that she'll have to deal with it in her own way, just like I have to. We miss you and we only want you back, but that is a major wish that will NEVER come true.

So, we'll go to the fair this year and we won't have you.

Mommy

Halloween is Coming

As I prepare for Halloween and start looking for your sister's costume she's requested, I can't help but think about what your costume might be like. I see a lion, a bear, a elephant, a monkey, and a pumpkin and I keep thinking, "man, Cylas would be so cute in any of those costumes." Then I fill my eyes tearing up and immediately start working on something else. I know that these next three (Halloween, Thanksgiving, & Christmas (including your 1st birthday)) occasions are going to be hard for me on so many levels. These are all occasions that you should be here for. Last year at this time I was pregnant with you so in a way you were here for them and now your're not. You have been gone for 8 1/2 months and it still seems like all this happened yesterday. Sometimes I don't know how I will ever move past this pain and heartache I feel. You are on my mind every single day and I don't know how to start re-building my life without you.

I've never had so much pain in my life and I never imagined that I would lose a child. I always thought that this kind of stuff happened to other people, and not me. I didn't think I was above other people, but I felt blessed to have my daughter and then I was blessed again with you. I just knew that if I loved you with all my heart and soul then you would be allowed to stay. I knew that if God knew how much I loved you, then he would say "yep, I picked the right mother for this child, and he is loved." But in the end even my love wasn't enough to keep you here. I still lost you!

Halloween will be harder this year, but I know that I can make through, I mean, I have to, for your sister's sake. By the way, she wants to be a mermaid and I am keeping my fingers crossed that she won't change her mind at the last minute. You will never be too far from our minds. Each night your sister tells you good night and that she loves and misses you. I will try my best to keep your memory alive for her. I want her to always think about her baby brother, and she's lucky because she only has good memories, whereas, I have both the good and the bad.

Thinking of you today, carrying you in my heart forever!!

Mommy

(The monkey would have been my pick, hope you like the visual)

WAS THAT YOU?

Yesterday at work my day ended in a very special way, only a way that must have come from you. Around 2 o'clock I noticed a Ta-la-du (cricket) had found it's way into my office. I asked the cricket to be careful, I didn't want it to get stomped or anything, and it went to hide. Your big sister, Prairie, comes up everyday and as soon as she arrived the cricket came out of hiding. Prairie immediately ran to the cricket and said "hey, Cylas!" Then she attempted to pick it up and to my amazement, the cricket didn't jump away and let her pick it up. She carried it around for about 15 minutes, putting it down from time to time, but it didn't try to jump away or nothing. The cricket stayed by her side. She would talk to the cricket and was very gentle with it and she just knew that it was you. I don't like crawling things so I didn't hold the cricket, but even I found myself talking to the cricket as if it could understand what I was saying. When it came time to go, Prairie wanted to take the cricket and I wouldn't let her, mainly because we didn't have anything to keep it in. She was very disappointed and I think the cricket was too! Because when we left and I was locking the door it was sitting there not moving, almost as if it was saying "what about me?"

The reason why we BOTH say it was you is because your indian name is Ta-la-du, which means cricket in our Cherokee Language. So anytime we see a cricket we think that it's you, our precious Cylas, visiting. Of course this only makes us miss you more, but it also helps us to know that you visited and haven't forgotten about us, either. As you know your sister has a rough time recently, so your visit meant the world to her. I know that holding a cricket in no way replaces you, but it makes her feel like she's magic and even though your gone it's her way of knowing that you will never be too far away.

So Cylas, thank you so much for making your sister feel so special! She really needed that.

Love,

Mommy