Still Missin You

Today must be one of those days. For some reason I find myself tearing up whenever I think of you. I know that it never hurts to cry, and that crying is a part of the healing process. But sometimes I feel like I am just a big cry baby, because it's all I've done since you've been gone. But then again, if I don't cry, does that mean I am already forgetting you and don't miss you as much as I say I do? NO, it doesn't. It just means that I am learning how to handle my grief. I like to think of you as not being sick or suffering like you did before you died. Because I know that if I focus on the bad then I will probably get depressed and I don't have the time to be depressed. I have your sister to focus on. She's the reason why I am still able to get up and go.

Missing you today, Cylas. Loving you forever!!

Mommy

Hello, Baby Boy

Hello to my baby boy! This weekend was a good weekend for me. I thought of you often, but I didn't have any break downs. Sometimes I feel like if I DON'T cry for you, though, then that means I'm am slowly forgetting about you or that I really don't miss you as much as I say I do. But that's not true in any way! I know that you will always be in my HEART and I will always carry those memories of you with me.

Right, now here on this earth, it is getting scary! We've already had to worry about having gas, and then now there is something going on with the finances and stocks. It's slowly starting to get to a scary place and I think that you are so lucky because you don't have to or will never have to worry about all this. You are in Heaven where there is no pain or sorrow, and where there is light, and no darkness ever falls. You are in a peaceful place and as of right now I feel like you are the lucky one. You've already received your reward and now it's up to me to make sure I make it there with you.

Cylas, on a dark day, and I've had alot of those since I've lost you, you seem to brighten up my day. I think about the time that we shared together and I am so grateful to have had that time. Even though I do regret that I will never get to see you grow up, and see you have your own life, I am very happy with the time that we spent together. In that time, I noticed that you had my "ugly" fingers and toes, and that you looked just like your "dad" even though at the time I wasn't sure if he was claiming you or not , you had beautiful dark eyes and of course those CCCUUUUTTTTTEEEEE chubby cheeks! The only mistery feature you had was that dimple on your chin. I never figured out where that come from. No matter how misterious, it only made you cuter!!

Cylas, be close to me and your sister! Keep us safe and let us know that you are close by. We need a visit from you more than you know.

Mommy

9 Months Old Today

Today, Cylas, you are nine months old. Time is just flying by and I don't know how to react. Pretty soon you'll be turning one. I know that I am missing out on alot of milestones and I am missing that alot. I want to see you accomplish all this stuff. I don't want to think about what you might be doing. Unfortunately, I know that this will not be happening and that makes me feel so sad. I know that you would be making me and your sister laugh, and maybe even making your sister cry. I've been looking at some information on 9 month olds and it helps me see what I am missing.

What I'm Missing:

1. you would be walking while hanging onto furniture


2. you would be pulling yourself up


3. you would be using the "pincer grasp" to hold tiny objects


4. you would be drinking from a sippy cup


5. you would be saying "mama" or "dada"


6. you would understand the meaning of NO


7. I would be able to play peekaboo with you


8. I would be teaching you facial features


9. I would be seeing you and your sister having fun together

I listed some of the stuff that I missing out on. But above all else I am missing my little boy. I always miss you and I am dealing with it the best way I know how. I stay busy from the time I get up until I go to bed. I find it easier to stay busy than to be sitting around. Plus, I have your sister to entertain me and that is something she does very well!!

Happy 9 months!!! Love you and miss you!!! Please come for a visit tonight. Your sister is in need of some kisses, and I am too!!

Mommy

What Am I going to do?

Cylas I don't know what to do. Your sister is in so much pain. Last night she finally broke down and cried for an hour before finally going to sleep. I tried my best to comfort her, but I only ended up crying right along with her. How in the world do I help her? How can I let her know that everything will be ok? All she wants is to have you back! She wants her brother back! As much as I want to help her, I know that I can't fix this problem for her. I know that I can't bring you back. I know that all this must be hard for her to understand. She's four years old and she misses her brother. I worry about her so much. I try to do my best for her as her mother but when it comes to this I feel like I let her down! I am still dealing with your loss, and I often wonder how can I be here for her when I am still trying to make it too? Last night she held Stripes so tight! She went to sleep holding him in her arms. Stripes is the only comfort I know that she has. She knows that she can talk to Stripes and you'll get the messages in Heaven. But Stripes will never fill that hole in her life. He will never be you. I feel so lost and confused. Your sister has always tried to keep herself from showing her feelings because she's worried about how I might react. I told her last night that it doesn't hurt to cry and that it's alright to talk about you at any time. I told her not to worry about my feelings because sometimes it helps me to have someone to cry with too! My heart broke last night and it will continue to break for the rest of my life. I carry you in my heart everyday and Iknow that we will never forget about you. I also know that it will take time to completely heal.

I don't know what to do about your sister. I have her in counseling but she's like me, she lets everything bottle up inside and then all once it explodes. All I can do is keep telling her that it's ok to miss you because I miss you too!! Please be close to your sister, Cylas. She needs to know that you are close to her. Let her feel your warm hugs and angel kisses. Your sister loves you and misses you very much!!

Mommy

Thank you, Cylas

I just want to say thank you Cylas for your little visit last night. It really warmed my heart to feel you so close to me. I was beginning to think I didn't have any connection to you at all. I think I've known all along that your ok, but it's hard to let go of something that you love so much. I know that your happy and that you must have tons of angel friends, but I am mom and a mom always misses her babes. Your sister couldn't smell the beautiful scent you let me smell but she was so excited about your visit. She kept asking every second if I could still smell it.

Love you always,

Mommy

New Worries

Today, Cylas, your grandma emailed me and told me that we have a meeting set up with the lawyer in October. As soon as I read that email I got this huge knot in my stomach and it will probably stay there until after the meeting. I have so many thoughts running through my head about what that lawyer could possibly say. Will he say something that I want to hear? Or will he say something that I'm dreading to hear? I want to hear that, yes, we have a case against the hospital, but I don't want to hear that you didn't have to die. I don't want to know that you could still be here if only they did something different to treat you. But with all my heart I want to be able to place the blame of your death on the hospital, just so I can quit blaming myself. This is something that I have done since I lost you in January. I blame myself because I'm your mom and I'm suppose to protect you and keep you safe, and I couldn't even do that.

I pray with all my heart that we hear something good. I pray that your death was not in vain, son. Please be close to me during this time. You know how your mom is and I tend to make something big out of something small. I will worry about this until it almost drives me crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one worrying about this. Your dad said that we have nothing to worry about, but what does he know, he didn't see what I seen and he didn't go through what I went through at the hospital, he was at work. Just when I think I might be able to move on and think about something else it gets messed up by one little email. I miss you Cylas. I love you Cylas. I still can't wrap my arm around all this drama I call life. I have so many ideas about how to remember you because I am so afraid that I might forget you. I thought I might a tattoo, but that hurts, and then I thought I about planting a tree in your honor, can't do that until we actually have a house of our own (me & Prairie), and then I've seen tons of stuff I could order but right now don't have the funds to make that happen. I don't know I might get brave and actually get that tattoo one day.

Love you,

Mommy

Meet Stripes

About three weeks before Cylas was born, his sister picked out a beanie baby and she said that it was for her baby. We kept it put in the bag from the store and on the day we brought him home from the hospital his tiger was waiting for him in his crib. When Cylas died in January I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know if I wanted to put it in his casket or keep it. I asked my mom what I should do with it and she was just as confused as I was. Prairie didn't come home until about 12 hours after Cylas died so I had time to think of something. We all went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for our little man and then we came back home. People were coming in and out all evening and I guess at about 5:30 Prairie came home. She was her happy normal self and it just broke my heart to have to tell her what happened to her brother. I let her run around and give hugs to her nan & pops, and to her uncle, then I took her to the bedroom. She didn't want to go to the bedroom because her brother was not back there in his crib.

Once we got the bedroom, I held her on my lap and I told her I had something to tell her. She listened very intently and then I told her that her brother would not be coming home this time. She said "Why?" And I said well as you know he was sick and his little body just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that he had to go home to Jesus. Still again she asked "Why?" By this time I had tears streaming down my cheeks and I told her that he was going to be our special guardian angel and that he would always be with us in our hearts. And then I pulled out his tiger and I told her that her brother wanted her to have to it. I told her that he wanted her to keep it safe for him and that whenever she missed him she could grab that tiger and hug it and Cylas would feel it in Heaven. She took it in her arms and hugged it very tightly!! Then she laid it on her pillow and gave it a kiss.

She sleeps with that tiger every night and has since named him Stripes. She doesn't let anyone touch it and if someone does she screams that's my brothers don't touch it!! I know that somehow that helps her with her pain but I also know that it no way replaces her brother. I just wish there was something I could do to help her understand all of this and right now I can't! I miss Cylas just as much as she does. I wanted to share this story and I hope that someone can find a way to help their living Child deal with losing a sibling.

Sarah T. (Cylas' Mommy)

8 months today

Cylas, my precious little boy, it's been 8 months since I've seen you and held you in my arms one last time. I still can't believe that your gone, I wish I would wake up from this night mare, I want you back so bad. Your sister misses you, your nana & pops miss you, your uncle & his family miss you. I miss you. I miss having those one on one moments with you when I could talk to you for hours and you would lay in my arms listening to me go on and on about how much I loved you and that I was always going to be here for you. I know that the last four days you were here were not the best, but I wanted to make sure you knew that your mom loved you. I never left your side at the hospital, I stayed when no one else would. Those four days were not easy for me, I cried the whole time!! I didn't like seeing my baby in pain. I didn't like seeing you sick. I didn't like the fact that there was nothing I could do for you. If I could have taken your place I would have. I would have done anything to keep you here. My heart breaks over and over again when I think about what you had to endure while you were in the hospital. You were taken from me and I don't think I'll ever get over that.

Your sister wants you back. She wants to hold you and play with you. We all wonder what you might be doing today if you were still here. I keep thinking that you would be one mean little boy. If you were anything like your sister then I know you would have been mean. You both were so much alike! You had the same temper she had. So I know that I would have my hands full and the sibling rivalry would be full blown.

Loving you always, missing you everyday,

MOMMY

It's that time again

The date today is a very important day. It's the day the tragic World Trade Center's were taken down by planes, with hundreds killed and missing. During this time I didn't even have kids. I was still in college finishing up those final tests and speeches, during the exact time all of this occurred. That day touched everyone because we all suffered the loss of someone and the loss of security that was felt. We personally didn't lose anyone in our family but it definitely made it's way to Cherokee, in one way or another. Today around the world people will hold memorials and services to remember those lost and I guess in a way that is what I am doing by writing about it.

However, it's also that time again when your sister starts talking about you 24-7, and it will last until the 24th, just like always. She must know or have a feeling that your two special dates are coming up. She always starts with "I miss Cylas." And then it goes to "I wish Cylas was here." And a new one that she's said is "I want Cylas back! I want to hold him!" Sometimes if feels as though I have no more words to comfort her and I know that she's hurting and trying to make sense of it all. I want to help her come to an understanding of all of this, but I can't, because I DON'T quite understand it either. I am like her I want you back. I want to hold you and play with you. SO CAN I HELP HER WHEN I AM FEELING THE EXACT SAME WAY!!!! She looks for "your" star every night and blows you a kiss. Her heart is broken though, on cloudy nights when there are no stars. I tell her that you had to go to bed early because God needed you for something special the next day. I know that somehow we can make it through but right now it still remains so HARD. Cylas we just really miss you and continue to love you everyday. I hope that you can feel or see how much we miss you. I know with time our pain will ease, but right now it seems to go on forever! And I wonder if I'll ever be able to think of you and not cry.

Cylas it's time again for all of pain and sadness to take over. All those memories, good and bad, will be come flooding back and overwhelm us once again. I know that I've given up on seeing signs that you are around, but I do ask that you please stay close to your sister, if anyone needs you more than I do, it's her. She doesn't have a understanding of what's going on and she needs to know that even though your gone, your spirit is always near her. So please watch over her and let her know that you are there with her.

XOXOXO,

Mommy

Will I Ever get over Losing You?

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be the same person I used to be. Sometimes I think of myself as being bitter! The Bitterness comes from having to deal with a cheating Husband and then divorcing him 11 days before your birth. And then also the painful loss of you. Sometimes I just don't understand what I did wrong? Why did you have to leave me? Did I do something to make God angry? I don't know if anyone can answer these questions. But losing you has been the hardest thing I've had to go through in my life. I never wanted to lose a child, especially not one that I wanted so badly. I've had one miscarriage, that pregnancy was a surprise, but I wanted that baby too! I was in the pit for a while after that. I wanted to blame it on the whole world! But then just 6 months later I was pregnant again with your sister, and all my pain from that miscarriage was gone. So is that the answer to my questions, do I need to try and have another baby? Will that ease my pain? Don't know about that, but all I want is you. I want my Cylas back, that's all I know in my heart. I will always miss you for the rest of my life! There is always going to be someone missing. I will always know that I should have a handsome son by my side right along with his beautiful sister!!

So I don't know if I will get over losing you. A part of me longs for that closeness and another part of me is relieved that you don't have to suffer anymore. You were in pain and the doctors did nothing to help you, they let you get worse and they even helped you along!!!!! I am still waiting on a response from the lawyer, and I really hope and pray that those doctors can be held liable for your death!! I want to have someone to blame other than myself!!! You were taken from me, and I'll never know the reason!

"Godspeed, Sweet Dreams. Little Man!"

Mommy

What's in a name?

Cylas you don't know how many names I tried to come up with when I was pregnant with you. I am a HUGE fan of Charmed and since your sister's name is Prairie and starts with a P just like the sisters, I wanted to try and have your name start with a P. I didn't have anyone standing in my way when it came to naming you, since I had asked your dad not to expect a roll in this since he wasn't claiming you at the time. I thought about tons of names that I thought sounded good with Michael. Because no matter what your first name your middle name was going to be Michael. Your middle name was in honor of your proud pops (my dad). I know that legally his first name is listed as Mike but Michael was the correct version. I thought about using Phineaus, Payton, Paxton, Payden, & Preston. But I just wasn't satified with any of those. So I had to give up on making you and your sister have the same initials all together. On to other names such as Hayden, Dimitrius, Lucas, Thaddeus, and Garron. But none of these names seemed to be good enough.

When I was expecting your sister I didn't know if she was a boy or a girl so I had to have a girl name and a boy name picked out. So if she was girl her name was going to be Dayanara Monique (as you can see the first name changed before she arrived) and your "dad" was responsible for picking out the boy name which he did and it was Silas Jade (don't ask). But I didn't pick Silas because of your dad, but after going through all those other names and not finding one I really liked I chose Silas, but I wanted it spelled Cylas. For some reason, you just seemed like a Cylas to me. In my heart I knew your name just had to be Cylas. So for the first time during my pregnancy with you I knew your name would be "Cylas Mychal". As you can see I like to use usual spellings too! But not only did I have to have an English name for you I also had to choose an indian name for you too. And after looking and hearing all the names I had picked, I chose Ta-La-Du which means cricket. I just really liked the way it sounds when it's pronounced. So I know "cricket" doesn't sound like a really great name, but I knew that it was a perfect fit.

When you arrived 2 days early on December 24th, I was prepared with a name for you and didn't have to worry about that at all. It only left more room to worry about other things during that time. Which I did! So you graced us with your presense and for the first time I was able to hold and look at my little man, Cylas Mychal Toineeta!!! (though I had to wait a couple days to do that, but it's was all worth it because I had my precious little boy.)

So that's what's in YOUR name. You are named Cylas because I really like that name and your middle name is Mychal because of your pops. When we were having your funeral services the preacher man said your name and he paused for a moment and then he said that you had a good biblical name!! At the time I didn't even think about your names being biblical, but that comment warmed my heart. It let me know that I did a good job naming my first and only son. I just wanted you to know how hard it was for me to pick out your name and then how wonderful it felt knowing that it was a biblical name.

XOXOXO,
Mommy

Memories

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

We love and miss you,
Mommy & I-wo-di

I thought of you

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new,I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,All I have are memories and your picture in a frame,Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never partGod has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.

I am with you always

As you hold me close in memory, even though we are apart, my spirit will live on, there within your heart ... I am with you always. When you lean on trusted friends and their caring hugs enfold you, within their loving arms, I'll be there to hold you ... I am with you always. And beyond the far horizon when we'll finally be together, where love will be eternal and life will last forever ... I am with you always

God's Littlest Angel

Mommy and Sister don't cry for me.

To walk the earth was not meant to be.

I'm in God's house you see.

I watch over you every day.

I know that you love me in a very special way.

You wanted me to be healthy and whole,

So you had to let me go.

You will get to see me every day

As you look at the children who pass your way.

I may be the little boy with the dimple in his chin

Or the little girl with the golden curl.

You will know what you did is right

Because When you look in the sky on a clear star filled night,

I will be the star that is shining so bright.

I love you Mommy and Sister good night.

Looking Back

Looking back on my life as it is right now, I never thought I would be the mother of an angel baby, a single mother, and a divorced 27 year old. I always pictured myself with the love of my life and being able to handle anything. I am not saying my EX was not the love of my life, but it was clearly not meant to be. And I would have done anything to keep Cylas here with me. I do have that regret, and I will live with the regret of not being able to save my son for the rest of my life. Everyone keeps telling me that there was nothing I could have done any different, but in my mind I keep thinking that there must have been and I missed it.

Being a single mother is not easy. I miss having that partner there to help with the parenting. My daughter is a beautiful little girl who knows what she wants at the age of 4. I am trying my best to be a good mother and sometimes I feel like I fail her in so many ways. We're both still grieving over her brother and I know that she must be hurting over the divorce and not being able to have her dad in her life 24-7. Sometimes I think we both take our anger and frustration out on each other having yelling matches and her trying to get her way by hitting me. To make matters worse I live with my parents and they continually take up for her when I try to discipline her. I just feel like I am bad parent and that I can't deal with it all. But my daughter melts my heart everyday when I hear her say "mom, I love you with all my heart." So I know that I must be doing something right or she wouldn't say that. Then I also think about how I will NEVER hear those words coming from my son and that hurts me so much.

I don't know if my pain will ever end or if I'll ever be able to move on to another relationship. I am so hurt and my trust level is way down. I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life and that also scares me. I don't want to be alone. I want to find someone who will love me for me and take me as I am. I also want someone who will love my daughter and even my son. I haven't learned how to deal with everything and I still pretty much hold everything in. And I haven't learned how to deal with life in general, but I have learned to take it one day at a time. My grief comes in waves, sometimes HUGE waves, but I am always able to look up and be thankful for what I have and be thankful for the little life that was shared with me for 3 weeks. Cylas was my prince charming only he didn't know it. But I do know that he knew that I loved him with all my heart and I always will. There has been a reference to a song called "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks and I love that song and I also like the phrase "I will send my love to you each night on angels wings." That phrase is so true. I do send my love to Cylas every night and I know that he also loves me too!!!

Cylas' Mom