35 MONTHS OLD TODAY

I didn't want to forget to post something today. Cylas today you are one month closer to turning 3 and it's so hard to believe!!! You may have only been in my life for a short time but you have forever left a huge void in my life. I am trying to be happy and positive and enjoy the upcoming holidays but I find it so hard. This month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I've had days where I felt like I could crawl under a rock and hide for the next month or so and then there are days when everything is alright and I feel like I can make it. I let your sister pick out some things for your grave last week and I hope to make it to see you soon.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I hate to say it but it's hard to be thankful when what you wish for the most is no longer here. I would give anything to get you back. I would love to be chasing around three little monkeys!! Being a mom has been the best thing to happen to me. I love being a mom and I have been blessed with three little lives. You were only 3 weeks old when you died but I did my very best to make sure you knew you were loved and wanted. I regret everyday that I wasn't able to keep you from getting sick. Deep down I still blame myself but it's not as much as I used to. I have learned that I can't be superMOM and that babies get sick, but it's still so hard to believe that your gone.

Everyone around me is talking about decorating and buying Christmas gifts and I make a face and stick my tongue out. I am so not in the mood to do any of that. I know that I have your sisters to decorate for but Prairie has gotten use to seeing her mom unenthused by all the drama of Christmas. Teela is just now starting to notice whats going on. And I must admit she's cute when she gets excited over seeing lit up trees and all the Christmas inflatables that people have in their yards. So I know that she gets to see that stuff I don't necessarily have to run out and buy it. She says Can Cause for Santa Claus and Christmas Mees for Christmas Trees!!

But to sum it all up: I MISS YOU. I WANT YOU HERE TO BE A PART OF ALL THE FUN. I WANT MY LITTLE MAN BACK. I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE LIGHT UP AND I WANT TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON WITH ALL THREE OF MY BABIES NOT JUST TWO!!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WILL PLAY OUT THIS YEAR. IT SEEMS LIKE EACH YEAR I FEEL DIFFERENT ABOUT THE SITUATION.

Prairie and I have decided that we will send you a ton of ballons for your birthday, we'll buy you some new flowers & toys for your grave, and even have a birthday cake on your birthday. I want to do this and I want to make sure you know that we still love you and think about you often. I still need to find a special ornament for you this year. I just haven't had a chance to look. I have alot to get done. I just don't feel like doing it.

HAPPY 35 MONTHS IN HEAVEN CYLAS MYCHAL!!! YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED EVERYDAY!!!!

MOMMY

34 MONTHS

My sweet little Cylas, you have been gone for 34 months today. I would like to say that it has gotten easier but it has not. Yesterday your sister asked me to read "Dancing on the Moon" and I broke down as I was reading it. It is still so hard for me to make it through that book. But she loves it because it reminds her that you never far away and that you are always in her heart.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you today and always will! I love you baby boy!!!

Mom

YOUR BRICK

Cylas I purchased a brick that is on display now at your sister's school. I just wanted to show you what it looks like.

SOME THOUGHTS

Cylas you have been weighing heavy on my mind. With all of these "family" holidays coming up how can I not!! As I live my life here on earth and I have your sisters here with me I smile but it's a smile that I have to force. I can't ever smile and know that's it's for REAL! Last night I was thinking about your funeral and how robotic my movements and emotions seemed to be. I was so frozen and only moved when I was told to move. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't frozen. I often thought about asking people to clear the church and leave me alone with you, just you and me, without everyone's eye's watching me like a hawk! I think that if I had that chance I would have taken you and ran for it. We would have hidden somewhere and I would have held you in my arms as long as I wanted, with no interuptions, no time limit. I mean I would have relinguished my hold on you but I just feel like I didn't have enough time. I would have done everything in my power to press the pause button and just spend time with you. I wasn't ready to let you go and I wasn't ready to watch them throw dirt on you. I wasn't ready to leave you alone in the cold and darkness of death! I wanted my little baby back. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I was hoping someone would pinch me and everything would have been just been one big, bad dream! But we're closing in on 3 years and I'm still living in this nightmare. I'm still reading about other parents who have lost their children. Will this ever end? How much pain must be endured before it stops?

Cylas mommy is missing you! I have a big huge hole in my heart that should be filled with your love and it's not. Please watch over me and your sisters. The holidays never get any easier but I keep moving forward and I keep looking ahead.

I love you Cylas very much!!!!!

EMOTIONAL

Yesterday Teela and I took off to Walmart for some last minute Halloween costume shopping! It was just the two of us. She slept all the way up there so it was just me left with my thoughts, YIKES!! My thoughts are always so scattered. I almost always think about you and think about what might have been. I would glance at Teela periodiaclly and each time I did, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I was thinking about how, soon, it would be Christmas time, and thinking about how much I dread that time of the year. I will have two birthday's to celebrate; Teela turns 2 December 23rd and you will be 3 on December 24th! Last year her birthday was a last minute decision and it was about a week late! And for your birthday we did balloons (a ton of them), a cake, you got some new toys and some new flowers for your grave. This is not what I imagined for myself but it's how my life's played out.

And with Teela I feel a lot of remorse. I don't want to say she saved my life or because of her my life is so much better, or that she has taken your place. I still long for a little boy but I just don't know if I will ever have one. I remember when Teela was born all I could focus on was the fact that her birthday was a day before yours and how that could be my connection to you. My heart breaks for her! She didn't ask to be here and she didn't ask to be mistreated. I cried when I thought about her being given to strangers and I cried because I couldn't fully open my heart up to her for about 3 months. I didn't call myself her Mama and I felt uncomfortable when someone else did. But yesterday watching her as we drove back from Walmart I couldn't help but want to pull her out of her car seat and give her a big, long bear hug. She's such a cutie! She's talking more and more and her favorite animal is a horse! She has this big beautiful smile! No one knows what I feel in my heart for her, Cylas, and Prairie. It's an honor to be their mom!!! But I mentioned my heart breaking and it does because her real mom and dad don't know what their missing. They are missing out on the life of a beautiful little girl who only wants to be loved and held. I may not be her real mom but I do love her with all my heart. She manages to make me smile when I don't want to and I like it when she tells Prairie: "my mommy!" I only want what is best for her and I hope that she knows that I do love her very much!

I am dreading the next few months. If I am already having a hard time holding back the tears then what will I be like once December rears it's ugly head. I've got to try and find the balance somehow. Cylas you will always be missing from our lifes. You are the missing link to my happiness and I'm so sad that I can't ever throw you and Teela an awesome party together! It's hard to be happy and celebrate her birthday when my heart is still aching and ripping apart because I am so restricted with what I can do for you. All I want to do is cry!

I miss you everyday!!!

34 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday my Cylas turned 34 months old in heaven. These days never get any easier!!! Whenever I give my girls a hug I always know that he is missing. I was reminded of that this morning. I had both of them on my lap and I mentioned that someone was missing and P automatically said "it's Cylas mom, he should be in the middle!" As we creep closer and closer to December I don't know if I should dread it or just embrace it! I mean this year T turns 2 and Cylas will turn 3 and I have someone new in my life who might not understand why I'm so sad. My life has changed just a little and I still don't know if its for the good or bad. Because I know that no one will understand why I feel the way I do. I know that my family tries to understand but they can still never grasp what I'm really feeling. And my love knows about Cylas and he knows that I do still miss him but I often wonder if he will understand me. Or if he'll think I'm over reacting. I haven't had the chance to visit or decorate Cylas' grave in quite a while. Just don't have the $$$ to do anything. I am going back to school to be a CNA and see where that takes me. My girls are growing and getting so beautiful. T is talking more and P is getting so tall! She's more mature than I could ever imagine. I can't help but picture Cylas as this little man running wild wanting to play ball or wrestle all the time. He'd probably be running around in his undies. I miss him so much and I see him in every little boy that I see. My heart just aches so much!! My girls are missing their brother and they are missing that special bond that siblings should have. It's just unfair and hard to try and make through the day with a smile on my face. In two months I'll be celebrating a birthday for a child who isn't here, he won't get to blow out his candles or unwrap presents. Instead I will fight my way through the tears and buy him some new flowers and toys for his grave and sending him messages on balloons from his family. This is my reality and somehow I have managed to survive.

33 MONTHS

I remembered you today with a broken heart. I haven't held you in my arms since January 2008 and I still wish everyday that you were here with us. I also remembered all babies taken too soon!!! Today is the day to remember all of your angel friends. I need to find a candle to light tonight at 7 but even if I don't do that, I will still think about you and all your friends.

I still miss you so much. I can close my eyes and see your chubby cheeks and thick black hair. I remember how it felt to run my fingers through your hair. And I remember looking into your eyes each night as I fed you. I long to hold you in my arms. And to smell you smell again.

I LOVE YOU CYLAS (Taladu)!!!!!