MOTHER'S DAY

As Mother's Day approaches it becomes a bittersweet time in my life. My heart aches for my little boy. And honestly my heart will probably always ache for Cylas. Life is full of surprises and sometimes they are not happy surprises. Sure I have two beautiful girls that I love with all my heart but in reality I should have 3 LIVING children but I suppose that wasn't meant to be. I'll never understand why Cylas was taken from me but I know that he is in a better place and he's no longer in pain. Those last few days of his life were no picnic, not for him and not for me. I would have moved heaven and earth to take away his pain & I would have given my life so he could live. Cylas was perfect in every way. He had a head full of black hair, chubby cheeks, & he had mezmorizing eyes!! I often wonder if he knew that I loved him very much. And if he knew that I was there with him until the end. Did he know that I was holding his hand and rubbing his head when the doctor called his time of death? Saying good bye was not easy. I wanted to hold him just a little bit longer. The days following his death are kind of a blur. I didn't think my life would ever be the same. Planning his funeral was like a dream, picking out his flowers broke my heart, & I felt like I didn't do enough to keep him here. And I still feel like I failed him somewhere along the way. I ask myself over and over again, What did I miss? Did I ask the wrong questions? Did I not pay attention to my surroundings? Last night Iwodi came up to me and gave me a hug and said "I miss Cylas!!" I know she misses her brother. She loved him very much. She helped change his diapers and make his bottles. She loved it when I would let her hold him. He would just stare at her with wonder in his eyes. They would have been great together. She was a good big sister, couldn't ask for any better. AND T also mentions Cylas from time to time. She talks about him being in heaven, she looks for his star, and she likes to hold Stripes when Iwodi will let her. They both know where their brother is. I think it gets hard for all of us from time to time.

So pardon me if I'm not in a cheerful mood. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings. I feel guilty for laughing and I feel guilty for crying. Can't really win!! Someone asked me the other day if I was ever going to try for another baby and even though I've changed my mind many times I think my answer would be no. No baby could ever replace Cylas, I just want him. I think that maybe I was meant to have my own little angel in heaven, even though it's not what I want, it's what my life was given. I pray daily for strength to make it from day to day and I have learned that crying is never wrong, remembering is a blessing, and that my love reaches Cylas in an blink of an eye.

So Happy Mother's Day!! Whether you hold your children in your arms or in your heart, it's still your day!!!

IT'S ME AGAIN

Hey Cylas,

Your momma has been busy!! But I think I'm finally getting a break. My Phlebotomy class ended last night. I made a 94 on the Final Exam and a 97 for the class as a whole. I finish up my clinical on the 30th and then I think I'm done with school for a little while. I still haven't decided if I want to move from my current job or stay with it a little longer. I guess I will have to pray about it and see where my road leads. I've just been super busy but it's a good kind of busy.

With the 15th and 24th passing by, you have been on my mind too. Thinking about how long you've been gone and how old you are. It's always on my mind. The "what might have been's" and "what if's". Your sister enjoyed her birthday and now has a new pet. It's a baby chick we call "Cullen"! She's being very responsible and taking good care of him. He's a weird little chick. He only eats Cheerios!!! But he's growing like a weed. And T is doing good. She has a cold right now but other than that she is growing like a weed and giving some grief here and there. I can't imagine what my life would be like if you were all together. I would have my hands full that's for sure.

Been having some issues with your nana. She likes to under mind me on my parenting skills and it really bugs me. I just wish I had her full support and she didn't go behind my back making me sound bad. I think I'm a good mom and I do the best that I can with what I've got. It's not easy being a single parent and I do wish I had some back up when it comes to a "father" figure. I miss the conversations that could be taking place and I miss the support. J and I are still "together" but it's a little bit complicated since he doesn't really know what he wants from one moment to the next. And it's not like I have a ton of men knocking down my door vying for my attention. I don't want to grow old alone and I don't want to be single the rest of my life. I would like to find a good man to stand beside me, love me and share my life. J is a good man but he tends to be harder on himself then he needs to be. I can't convince him or make him see it any other way. That will have to come from him. But I do love him and I am constantly praying about our relationship.

I love and miss you Cylas. Time passes by so fast. It doesn't even seem like 4 1/2 years have come and gone since I last held you my arms. It all still feels like yesterday. I think about you all time and I wonder what kind of little boy you would have been. I can see you being mean and rough housing it with your sisters, probably making them cry, LOL!!! And all I could say is that's my boy!!! I still carry around some guilt but it's not as bad as it used to be. I'm dealing with it a little better. I still cry when I'm alone and I still dread holidays and I still have a hard time on your birthday. Those are the days I just want to hide under a rock and never come back out. We took some new flowers to your grave. And soon it will be time for some more. We have a turtle that we forgot in my car so it's a constant reminder that we need to go visit you again. I hope that you know your sisters and I love you very much. T talks about you more now and she knows your an angel and your in heaven but it's just nice to know that you are not forgotten!!!! She likes to find your star and let me know that it's still shining bright. So we are doing good. We have our mother, daughter moments and then we get on with our day.

Always sending you Love, Heavenly kisses & Angel hugs,
Mommy

8TH BIRTHDAY

Your sister's 8th birthday is coming up real soon. Can you believe that she's gonna be 8? I can't, at all. Time passes too fast these days.

The picture above will be in next week's One Feather.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK TO ME???

The other day as I was coming back home from Asheville with J, your star was shining so bright and it was right beside the moon. I kept thinking about the book that I bought for your sister after you passed away and how much it has helped her understand what happened to you.

It felt like you were saying "look at me mom!! I'm dancing on the moon tonight, can you see me?" It was a bittersweet moment for me. It just goes to show that even though you're in heaven, you are still so close and a part of me everyday.

I love you baby boy!!!
Mommy

MARCH

Wow, I can't believe it's already March!!! In 4 weeks your big sister will be 8 years old!!! I don't have a big party planned for her. She wants to go to Wonderworks in Pigeon Forge, TN so I think we'll do an overnight trip and also go to the Aquarium. I can't believe how big she has gotten. She's her own little person and diffinitely likes to voice her opinion.

As for me, I'm taking a Phlebotomy class. And I start clinicals next week. I'm nervous but ready to get those hours over and done with. We have to have 100 successful sticks and 120 hours completed by June 5th. So I have been working full time and going to class on Tuesday and Thursday nights. My tests and quizzes have some pretty good grades attached to them and I am very proud of that fact. I'm really hard on myself!! I think you would be proud of me. I mean if it wasn't for you I probably would have never thought about going in this direction in my life. I thought I was done with school but the medical stuff really interest me. I don't know if I see anymore classes in my future but I'm definitely not saying NO to the idea. I really hope I can find a job in this field. I think it's time for a change but I guess only God will make it happen. If it's meant to be then ok.

T is growing like a weed too!! Right now she's sick. She has a cold. So please stay close to her and keep her and P safe. I haven't visited you in a few months. I am sorry for that. I have some things for your grave and I will get them on there in time. I still miss you like crazy!!! I think about you often and carry you in my heart always!!!!

Love,
Mommy

VALENTINE'S DAY

Happy Valentine's Day, son!!!!! You are loved and missed so very much!!!!

4 YEAR ANGELVARSARY

Sunday, January 15, 2012 was your 4 year Angelvarsary. It was easy on my mind but very difficult on my heart. I posted on Facebook when you were taken into the NICU, when I was told that there was nothing more they could do for you, and I posted what time you died. I also spent that time with Curren and it was so much better then sitting at home crying. I dread days like these and it always brings back all those memories that I have good or bad.

It's still very hard to believe that you have been gone for 4 years. It feels like its been an eternity without you . My heart still misses you so very much. I still wish that you didn't have to die and that you could have stayed here and grew up with your sisters. I love you very much and that will never change.

I hope you had a good Angelvarsary in Heaven. I will forever carry you in my heart and soul. I love you Cylas Mychal!!!!!