CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: December 2011

December 28, 2011

HAPPY 4th BIRTHDAY!!!

Hey, son, this visit is a little late and I apologize for that. For some reason this birthday has been extremely hard! I can't explain why but it just is. I'm really hard on myself this time around. I haven't had a chance to go put your flower's on your grave and I didn't get a chance to buy you any toys. I know your angelvarsary is coming up next month and all I feel is dread!! I dread January as much as I dread December. I will make my way to see you I promise you that. I can't believe you are 4 years old. Just thinking about missing out on 4 years of your life blows my mind. I feel so robbed!!! Robbed of precious moments and times with you. I miss the hugs and kisses I could be receiving from you and I miss the sibling rivalry that I know would exist between you and your sisters!! I just miss you all together!! You are my baby boy and you mean the world to me!!

I hope you enjoyed your balloons! We sent you 30 of them and I hope you shared with all your angel friends too! Your sisters and a friend helped get your balloons ready. Before we let them go we sang "Happy Birthday" to you!! It was a real sweet moment. Always nice to share you with family and friends. We ate some ice cream cake in honor of you and T's birthdays. That's always good!! The wish lanterns didn't do as good. There needed to be more wind!! :( I'll post pictures later. I'm posting from my phone and its kind of difficult to post from a phone.

Cylas you are always on my mind. I'm always wondering what I'm missing out on. I hate it when someone tells me to move on or get over it, Excuse me, but he's my son. I carried him in my womb, I felt his first moments, that's a bond that goes unbroken whether he's here or not. I LOVE YOU, CYLAS MYCHAL!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my precious little boy!!!!

Love,
MOMMY

December 16, 2011

ANGELVARSARY #47

Yesterday was your angelvarsary. I can't believe it's almost 4 years since you've been gone. I love you Cylas!! I miss you more than you know.

Love you Baby boy!!!!

December 12, 2011

NEW PICTURES

These were taken over the weekend. They turned out great!!!! Enjoy them Cylas, we love you!!!!

December 8, 2011

THANK YOU!!!

I just wanted to take some time to say "thank you, Cylas!" Baby Curren Rush McCoy made it into the world safe and sound. And I know that you were there helping the little guy out. He was 7 lbs. 13 ozs. I am so relieved that he's here. I can't wait to meet him and give him some love. I'm a proud "Auntie"!!! I'm also relieved that his due date was moved up. I don't think I could have been this excited if he came around Christmas.

Your 4th birthday is 16 days away. Can it really be that your turning 4? Time flies even when it feels like time has stopped. We've got Christmas Pictures coming up this weekend and I wish you could be here for them. I wish you could be here for alot of things. Your big sister is very good about not letting me forget that you are there, just in a different way!!! I'm sure if we'll use Cylas Bear or Stripes for this picture. I think I'll let sister make that decision. She's the one who has to hold him.

Please continue to watch over uncle as he continues to heal from his surgery!!! And as always stay close to your sisters and me. We need that more than you know!!!!

Love you Cylas Mychal with all my heart!!!!!

December 3, 2011

IN MY THOUGHTS

As time ticks by and gets closer to your 4th birthday, my heart is heavy and sad. Instead of planning a party I'm thinking about what color baloons I'm sending to you this year. And as always your big sister is very instrumental in helping make those decisions. Most of the time we do what she wants to do because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She always wants to send some cards to you and a wish lantern or two!! My heart still aches for you everyday and my grief is still very real. I don't think I'll ever be "normal" again but I am trying.

On a very happy note, I'm going to be an "auntie" and I am trying to be very excited. Well I am excited. My best friend will be induced on Wednesday and little Curren should be making his entrance on Thursday. Today I bought baby boy clothes for the first time since you've been gone. It felt very weird but right at the same time.

Be looking for our birthday celebration to come your way on December 24th. We love you with all our hearts Cylas!!!!

IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.