CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: August 2011

August 30, 2011

FOR YOU

Sorry it turned out so small. But I wanted to share this picture with you. This picture was taken yesterday at practice for the Little Miss Cherokee Pageant. I think it turned out really good. Your big sister has always been very photogenic. She's getting so big. I love her, you, and Boss very much. You guys are my life.

August 24, 2011

44 MONTHS OLD

Today you are 44 months old!!!

Thinking about you today with much love!!!!

August 22, 2011

RANDOMNESS

Last night my mind was filled with thoughts of you little man. I wasn't sad or feeling down, you were just there. And often times thats how it goes. I've been having some great days. I'm dealing with alot but its not anything that I can't handle. Your big sister is a 2nd grader, Boss is still out of school and her arm is out of the cast, and I'm a busy momma to two beautiful little girls, but I want to be a busy momma to 3 kids that includes a handsome son!!! J and I are going through some growing pains. He's started school and goes at night 4 times a week (sometimes 5). His job has him working out of town this week so I'm not seeing a whole lot of him right now. We've been together for 15 months and it's been great. We don't ever fight, I might try and pout on him but he doesn't let it get to him. He let's me do what I got to do and then he'll ask "are you finished?" I can be in awfulliest mood ever and it all goes away when he comes around or when I hear from him. He has a calming effect over me which is something that I probably need. I love him and would love to spend more time with him. I would even go as far as saying marrying him but then I know that it wouldn't be for the right reasons. But I am ready and missing the wifey thing I just don't know if and when it will happen. I don't want a big wedding. I want to pack up the girls and go away for a weekend and come back a Mrs.!!!! But I think he's still trying to find himself and make his way professionally. If it's meant for us to be together forever it will happen............or it won't.

I suppose I'm happy being his baby!! It took so long for me to open to up to him. The Ex did a number on me and I'm moving forward cautiously. I think its a good idea to go slow and let him do what he feels he has to do. I want to support him and be there for him because I know its what he needs. Just help me make it through these next few months. J knows about you, he knows about everything......the good and the bad. I haven't taken him to your grave, its not time. But he does know about you. He knows that you were not wanted by your so called "dad" and he knows that it hasn't been easy for me. I've picked up the peices of my life. The kinks need to be worked out but I know that one day they will be. I want happily ever after but can that happen? You have a peice of my heart that can never be filled again here on earth. I might get my knight in shining armor but there's no guarantee it will be forever, forever is just a word and it terrifies me. I thought I had my forever once before and it all ended it a moment. I'm treading lightly.

Your uncle sent me a text last night letting me know that he finally set your headstone from your grandpa Alvin. So in all you have 3 headstones. One that was FREE from the so called "dad", the one that I bought, and now the one from Alvin. All that means to me is that you are a special little boy who was loved by a grandpa who didn't have to be. He was not a part of your "dad's" life or Priss' life (which I regret everyday) but when it mattered the most he was there for you. I'll have to make my way up there and see it. I still haven't placed the new flowers or new solar lights so I definitely have to go see you SOON!!! You are my special little boy and I love you with all my heart. I miss you more than anything. On Wednesday, August 24th you will 44 months old. I have two friends having little boys (in October & December). I don't know how to act. I want to be happy for them but yet I'm jealous and angry because they are getting their boys and I don't have mine anymore. The October baby shouldn't be too hard but the December due date is gonna kill me because it's right around your birthday. Christmas already sucks and now I don't know how it's going to be. I want my friends to have healthy little boys but I also want a little boy. I want you!!!! I'll just have to put on my big panties, hold my head up high, and grin and bear it!!!

Sorry to come on here and dump all this stuff on you. I love you Cylas Mychal!!!!! God Speed!!!!
Mommy

August 15, 2011

ANGELVARSARY # 43

Can it already be 43 months? I guess so. It doesn't seem like it sometimes but time passes so fast. There are many times I wish I was able to turn back time or even stop it but I know I can't. 4 years is coming fast!!! I miss you little guy and I love you!!!!

August 12, 2011

LOTS GOING ON

Hey Cylas!!

I hope you are doing good in heaven. I miss you and love you very much. It has been a very busy week. Your older Sister started school this week and she's a big ole 2nd grader!!! I can't believe how fast she's growing up. There are days I wish she was a little baby again. She's running in the Little Miss Cherokee Pageant again this year and it's very hard to prep for that. She'll have practice every Monday until October 4 and then the pageant will take place. There are alot of thing to get together so I will be very busy from here on out. And then Little Sister will get her pins and cast taken off her arm on Tuesday. I am relieved the cast is coming off but I am very worried about the aftermath. She already hates going to the doctor I can't imagine how the physcial therapy will be for her. Please keep an eye on her and help her make it through all this. Once the cast is removed she should be able to go back to school. Which will be a good thing because she is wearing your Nana out!!!

I am ready for the weekend, I just wish there was an extra day!!! On Monday you will have an Angelvarsary. I used to dread those days but now if I miss one I feel so guilty. You deserve to be celebrated!!!

Love,
Mommy

August 3, 2011

WEIGHT LOSS

I have been trying to lose weight since I lost you and I've been doing pretty good. I've lost about 40 lbs but I've kind of plateaued. I've been the same weight now for about two months. No changes and no gaining. I guess that's good but I'd much rather be losing the pounds.I am in the process of getting a treadmill, it's just too hot to be outside walking and I feel like I would do better in my house.And I've also found a workout that I actually like doing: ZUMBA!!! Who would have thought that it would be something that I actually like. I've been using the Wii but yesterday I purchased some Zumba DVD's and I can't wait until they come in. I want to be here to watch your sisters grow up.

I'm going to continue working on losing weight. I do feel so much better since I've lost what I lost. I can really feel the difference and it makes me feel so good. I want to be someone you can be proud of. I love you Cylas and think about you every day!!! You are my sweet boy!!!!

Love,
Mommy

IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.