EMOTIONAL

Yesterday Teela and I took off to Walmart for some last minute Halloween costume shopping! It was just the two of us. She slept all the way up there so it was just me left with my thoughts, YIKES!! My thoughts are always so scattered. I almost always think about you and think about what might have been. I would glance at Teela periodiaclly and each time I did, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I was thinking about how, soon, it would be Christmas time, and thinking about how much I dread that time of the year. I will have two birthday's to celebrate; Teela turns 2 December 23rd and you will be 3 on December 24th! Last year her birthday was a last minute decision and it was about a week late! And for your birthday we did balloons (a ton of them), a cake, you got some new toys and some new flowers for your grave. This is not what I imagined for myself but it's how my life's played out.

And with Teela I feel a lot of remorse. I don't want to say she saved my life or because of her my life is so much better, or that she has taken your place. I still long for a little boy but I just don't know if I will ever have one. I remember when Teela was born all I could focus on was the fact that her birthday was a day before yours and how that could be my connection to you. My heart breaks for her! She didn't ask to be here and she didn't ask to be mistreated. I cried when I thought about her being given to strangers and I cried because I couldn't fully open my heart up to her for about 3 months. I didn't call myself her Mama and I felt uncomfortable when someone else did. But yesterday watching her as we drove back from Walmart I couldn't help but want to pull her out of her car seat and give her a big, long bear hug. She's such a cutie! She's talking more and more and her favorite animal is a horse! She has this big beautiful smile! No one knows what I feel in my heart for her, Cylas, and Prairie. It's an honor to be their mom!!! But I mentioned my heart breaking and it does because her real mom and dad don't know what their missing. They are missing out on the life of a beautiful little girl who only wants to be loved and held. I may not be her real mom but I do love her with all my heart. She manages to make me smile when I don't want to and I like it when she tells Prairie: "my mommy!" I only want what is best for her and I hope that she knows that I do love her very much!

I am dreading the next few months. If I am already having a hard time holding back the tears then what will I be like once December rears it's ugly head. I've got to try and find the balance somehow. Cylas you will always be missing from our lifes. You are the missing link to my happiness and I'm so sad that I can't ever throw you and Teela an awesome party together! It's hard to be happy and celebrate her birthday when my heart is still aching and ripping apart because I am so restricted with what I can do for you. All I want to do is cry!

I miss you everyday!!!

34 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday my Cylas turned 34 months old in heaven. These days never get any easier!!! Whenever I give my girls a hug I always know that he is missing. I was reminded of that this morning. I had both of them on my lap and I mentioned that someone was missing and P automatically said "it's Cylas mom, he should be in the middle!" As we creep closer and closer to December I don't know if I should dread it or just embrace it! I mean this year T turns 2 and Cylas will turn 3 and I have someone new in my life who might not understand why I'm so sad. My life has changed just a little and I still don't know if its for the good or bad. Because I know that no one will understand why I feel the way I do. I know that my family tries to understand but they can still never grasp what I'm really feeling. And my love knows about Cylas and he knows that I do still miss him but I often wonder if he will understand me. Or if he'll think I'm over reacting. I haven't had the chance to visit or decorate Cylas' grave in quite a while. Just don't have the $$$ to do anything. I am going back to school to be a CNA and see where that takes me. My girls are growing and getting so beautiful. T is talking more and P is getting so tall! She's more mature than I could ever imagine. I can't help but picture Cylas as this little man running wild wanting to play ball or wrestle all the time. He'd probably be running around in his undies. I miss him so much and I see him in every little boy that I see. My heart just aches so much!! My girls are missing their brother and they are missing that special bond that siblings should have. It's just unfair and hard to try and make through the day with a smile on my face. In two months I'll be celebrating a birthday for a child who isn't here, he won't get to blow out his candles or unwrap presents. Instead I will fight my way through the tears and buy him some new flowers and toys for his grave and sending him messages on balloons from his family. This is my reality and somehow I have managed to survive.

33 MONTHS

I remembered you today with a broken heart. I haven't held you in my arms since January 2008 and I still wish everyday that you were here with us. I also remembered all babies taken too soon!!! Today is the day to remember all of your angel friends. I need to find a candle to light tonight at 7 but even if I don't do that, I will still think about you and all your friends.

I still miss you so much. I can close my eyes and see your chubby cheeks and thick black hair. I remember how it felt to run my fingers through your hair. And I remember looking into your eyes each night as I fed you. I long to hold you in my arms. And to smell you smell again.

I LOVE YOU CYLAS (Taladu)!!!!!

I'M EARLY

TOMORROW IS THE DAY TO REMEMBER ALL BABIES LOST. I AM A LITTLE EARLY BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS IS POSTED.


KARRY: I REMEMBER JACK


LIZ: I REMEMBER ALIVIA


CHRISTINE: I REMEMBER OLIVE LUCY


SHANNON: I REMEMBER TRISTAN


KELLY: I REMEMBER REESE


SAMARIA: I REMEMBER SAIGE


MICHELLEY: I REMEMBER ALEXANDRA


BROOKE: I REMEMBER CADEN


SARA: I REMEMBER AUSTIN


DIV: I REMEMBER MIHIR


MAYDA: I REMEMBER LITTLE HAWK


MACHELE: I REMEMBER MACAYLA


MISTY: I REMEMBER JAY


BETH: I REMEMBER JOSHUA


^j^ I ALSO REMEMBER ALL THE NEW ANGELS AND THEIR FAMILIES THAT HAVE JOINED US IN RECENT MONTHS. ^j^

TOMORROW

Tomorrow is OCTOBER 15TH, please join me in remembering all babies who have died, including my son Cylas! You can do this by lighting a candle or even remembering to pray for someone you know who has lost a child. It's not something to be ashamed of and I for one am not ashamed! He was my son with those chubby cheeks and black hair. He was a baby brother to my daughter, he was a nephew, he was a cousin, and he was a grandson!! He was real and he was here! I will miss him forever but he will live on in my heart always!!

SHARING THIS WITH YOU...............

Cylas we survived Fair week. The new Kituwah Academy float placed 2nd this year, but it should have gotten first. AND your sister was named 1st Runner-up in the 2010 Little Miss Cherokee pageant. I am so proud of your sister. She did an outstanding job. She was carrying you with her every step of the way!!! I think thinking of you made her stay calm and confidant!!! She told me at one point that she was just thinking about you. It brought tears to my eyes to think about you missing yet another special event in our lives. But I'm glad she included you in her thoughts!!

And she's ready for next year!!!!

OCTOBER

October is always a busy month for our family, well maybe just the first full week, but it's still very busy. It's Fair week, time for some good food, rides and entertainment!! This will be your third missed Fair and I wish every year that you were here to enjoy to it. This year Big Sister is running for Little Miss Cherokee and her pageant is tomorrow and Wednesday night. She's been preparing but not as well as I would like for her too!! I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope she pulls it off. The parade will be tomorrow afternoon and then we'll straight to the fair grounds.

But October is also Breast Cancer Awareness and Domestic Violence Month and it makes me sad that there is no mention of October 15th!!! What about all the babies that are lost everyday? Don't they matter!!! I guess they only matter to the people that miss them the most, their families!!! I wish I could change that. I wish I knew that there was a way to spread the word out!! I put it out there on FACEBOOK, but it only reaches so many people.