YOUR SISTERS ARE SILLY

Here they are at their very best!!! What do you think?

31 MONTHS OLD

You don't turn this old until tomorrow but as usual I only have a computer at work so I have to use it while I got it. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. And that I miss you just as much now as I did a week after you went to heaven. I still wish everyday that you could come back and spend just ONE more day with me. I would love to see your chubby cheeks again. I would also love to run my fingers through that thick hair of yours. And give you all the kisses that I have!!!!!!! But I know that this is the only wish that will not come true. I have the rest of my life, while yours has already ended. Your already in Heaven and that gives me something to look forward too! It's a bittersweet feeling but all I can do is honor your memory and make sure your not forgotten.

CYLAS, MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!!!!

BEEN FEELING GUILTY

Cylas, lately I've been feeling guilty about everything imaginable. I feel guilty about you and not going to see you as much as I would like. I feel guilty about the girls, I feel like I'm not being the mom that they need me to be. And of course I'm feeling guilty about my relationship with J. I keep thinking I'm not good enough for him and I am so scared that I will do or say something that will totally mess it up. I feel like I've totally failed you in so many ways. If I would have fought harder for better treatment when you were sick I keep thinking that maybe you would still be here. I thought that after a while the guilt would go away but it hasn't. I just end up feeling guilty about everything else as well.

I want to be the best mom I can be to your sisters but there are times I have to step back and take a deep breath!!! I think for the most part I wish that I had more help with them. I hate being a single parent. I wish that I wasn't alone in the parenting section of my life. My EX doesn't offer much assistance, half the time I have to beg him to keep Prairie or plan something three weeks in advance, which totally sucks. And then Boss, she's all mine. I am her mom and her dad. It's so stressful at times. But I am also thankful that I have made it this fair by myself. It's made me stronger and I've learned that I can do stuff on my own. I love your sisters so much. I really hope that they know that.

And now J is in the picture. He doesn't have children and he's never been married so of course this is all new to him. He's scared to even hug my girls because he's afraid they'll break or something. And I don't expect him to come into our life and pick up right where my EX left off. That's not his job. He's been wonderful. We've hit a few bumps in the road but after a while they manage to go away. We've been together for two months and we have a date night (that sometimes includes Prairie). But I think it's good that he accepts me and that he accepts my kids. His parents on the other hand are another story completely. They're not exactly my biggest fans at the moment. But I'm not dating them, or the world, I am dating J and that's all that matters.

Cylas, will this guilt ever go away or will I have to live with it the rest of my life? I just can't seem to convince myself that I am a good person, a good mom, and that everything will work out. I am constantly worrying about the health and safety of the girls. Losing you has really made me more aware of things that can happen. I hope that all of this will pass..

30 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

30 months, really!!!! It feels like I said goodbye to you only yesterday. It doesn't seem like our goodbyes are already that far away. Soon you will be 3 years old and even that's unbelievable! All I can do is imagine how you would have been. I've missed out on so much; sometimes it's very hard to comprehend and then there are times I have to laugh because I know that I would be a very busy Momma!! But to be honest I'd rather be a busy Momma then what I've become over the last 30 months. I've become someone that I don't even recognize. It's amazing how much grief and the loss of someone you love so dearly can change your whole life. I have tried my hardest to make life normal not only for myself but for your sisters too! That's a task that's easier said than done.

No matter how normal it gets, you are still missing from everything we do. You are not here for the holidays or the birthdays. It still stings when I think about all that we could be doing right now. I wanted to play with toy trucks and back hoes. I wanted to teach you how to kick and catch a football. I wanted to see you grow and play with your sisters. Your sisters keep me busy but I am still missing you everyday. I want you here with me. Will the "want" ever go away? Will I ever adjust to this new "normal"?

CYLAS, I LOVE AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY. PLEASE STAY CLOSE. WATCH OVER YOUR SISTERS AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS!!!!

MOMMY

OUR HOUSE

The process of moving in has been very long. Everything is ready to except for the girls' room. I still need to set up the entertainment in there. Your Big Sis wants her TV operational before we stay our first night in the house so that's about the last thing that needs to be done. I have a few pictures to post. I don't have a picture of the living room or the extra bedroom though. Right now the extra room is being used as the "contruction" site. And I'm still trying to figure out how I want my Living room set up. And also since the pictures were taken my bed has been put together I just haven't had time to take another picture.

The pictures are: my kitchen, my TV in my room, my bed, the kitchen table, and my washer & dryer.

I hope to post more pictures soon. J is going to get Satellite for the house so that's something that hasn't happened yet but we're both working on this. He wants to make sure the girls have cartoon channels, too!!!