" I WILL CARRY YOU"

Ok, so I just bought the book written by Angie Smith. It's telling the story of her precious daughter Audrey Caroline. I'm only to chapter 4 and with two very active little girls it will probably take me a while before I finish it. I've read her blog and have been keeping up with her and her family for the last year and a half. They have now welcomed a new daughter into their lives. I like the way Angie tells her story. She doesn't hold anything back and uses scripture from the bible throughout the book. She and her husband believe with all their hearts that there was a reason for Audrey Caroline and that there was a reason why they were chosen to be her parents. What I like about this family is that they never gave up hope and the wonder of prayer. They never stopped praying for a miracle. I love their values.

I think so far the most heartbreaking part of the book was having to tell their young daughters that their sister would probably go straight to Jesus. That part really tugged at my heart because I too had to tell my own daughter that her brother was in heaven. They were lost and didn't know how to break the news to them. They did something I didn't do, they depended on the Lord to give them the strength they needed to make it through that conversation. I was so angry and hurt during my little talk that I didn't even consider letting the Lord give me the right words I needed to use on her very young, sentitive heart. Having to tell my daughter that her brother wasn't coming home was and has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Looking back there are so many things that could have been done differently. But I think I did pretty good. She was able to understand what I was saying and she knows that if she ever starts missing him too bad all she has to do is close her eyes and talk to him just like he were right in front of her.

I'm not saying that I have the best relationship with the Lord but I have been trying very hard to live by faith and pray about situations in my life. I do that now, but I wish I did that when Cylas was so sick. I honestly don't know if it would have made a difference or not but I think it would have made a huge difference on MY heart. Cylas has been in heaven for 29 months and in those 29 months I've some good days and I've had some down right awful days. There have been times all I do is cry and then there are times that everything seems to be alright. I don't visit his grave like I used to and I no longer feel guilty for not going there. Am I a bad mother? No, not necessarily. It just means that I'm healing. Do I still miss him? Yes, I do. I miss him more and more everyday but I don't always mention it to anyone. Will I ever forget him? No, I have vowed not to forget my son. I can still close my eyes and I see his precious face just like it was yesterday. The only thing I can't do is reach out and touch him. If that were the case then I would probably grab him and never let go. I keep thinking about how old he will be or would have been. It continues to blow my mind with how much time has passed.

Today is one of those days. It's a day for Cylas to be on my mind. I have subtle hints of tears in my eyes but nothing flows but they are there ready to go should I decide I need to cry. So as I am trying to read this wonderful book, I am reminded of my pregnancy with Cylas. It has me going back over every little detail of my pregnancy. I am thankful that this lady was willing to share her story with so many people. Before I lost Cylas I had one of those stupid brains that never knew how it felt to lose a child. I never knew the kind of pain that I know now. And no one will ever understand why I feel the way I do. Like when I say I don't like Cylas being in the dark at the graveyard and he needs some lights. Some people look at me like I'm crazy and then some look at me with a little bit of understanding and I would so take that look over any other look I could get.

Cylas' story is special but only to me and a few select friends that I have made over the last 29 months. I have great friends who totally understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. And I am thankful to those friends. They don't know how much of a life saver they have been to me. I have my family but some of them have forgotten that precious little boy who stole my heart. They forget why its so hard for me to smile from time to time. They forget why I need some alone time.

30 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday was the day you turned 30 months old. I still remember the day you were born. I still remember the smell of your hair after a bath. I still remember how soft your little feet were. I still remember how it felt to run my fingers through your hair. Even though your not here, those memories still remain fresh in my mind. Those are the things that I never want to forget. And even though it breaks my heart I still remember the day you died. That is the one memory I wish I didn't have.

Cylas you are still loved and missed by your momma. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't wish you were still here. I miss you so much. I admit those sad days are a few and far between but it's the unknown that still gets me. I never know when the waves of sorrow will hit and when they do they shatter my world all over again.

Life here has been moving forward. Your sisters are growing and learning every day. I am moving forward in my life. I have someone new in my life who has managed to make me smile again, the one thing that I never thought would happen. He loves me and likes your sisters. It's still fresh and new but I am happy. I know that there will always be that empty spot in my life, it's the spot that should have been filled with little boy love. The love that only a boy can give his momma. That spot will always be yours.

Cylas, little man, Momma loves you so very much. I hope that you feel that love every day and night while your sitting on that soft fluffy cloud watching over me and your sisters.

ANGELVARSARY (29 MONTHS)

Yesterday was a good day. Considering everything. I had a birthday but I also share that special day with an Angelvarsary. The last two years my birthday has been miserable. I didn't want to celebrate it all. If everyone forgot about my birthday then that was fine with me but yesterday my friends and family remembered it and J went out of his way to make it special for me. It was the best birthday I've had in a long time.

But on the inside and always on my mind was you. I'm reminded of my loss every single day. I know what I'm missing. With each birthday that passes I will always know that I share my day with an angelvarsary. Each year has my age changes I also know that the amount of time you've been gone gets higher and higher. You are missed every day. You are loved and still wanted!!

But I know that you were sitting on your special cloud sending me hugs and kisses on my birthday. I don't like the fact that your gone, but it's become a way of life. I may not like it but I have to deal with it. But I carry you in my heart always and I love you very much!!!!!

MOVING IN

I know that I have been doing an awful job at keeping you  update on stuff. Right now it's just so hectic!! I can't wait for it to slow down. On a positive note, I am slowly moving stuff into the new house. My furniture and the washer and dryer will be delivered tomorrow morning and my friend Sassy is giving me two beds; one for Big Sis-Sis and a toddler bed for Boss. I've still got to go purchase the TV's and my bed but that might happen over the weekend.

Sis-Sis (This is what Teela calls Prairie) and Boss have had some fun running around in the new house. How I wish that you were there to do that too!! I wish you could join in on our excitement! I wish I was decorating a little boys room right about now. Oh there are numerous things that I wish you and I could do. I want to toss a football with you and see you and play!! I miss you so much. I often wonder if anyone else still thinks about you or not.

Hopefully, I'll be able to take some pictures of a furnished house soon!

Love,
Mom

POP'S BIRTHDAY

And if you get a chance, stop by and visit Pop. Today is his birthday!!!

Happy Birthday to my dad and your Pop, Leroy!!!!!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I'm not sure how long it's been since I've last posted anything here. But it feels like forever!!! I have a few things to report. I am now officially in a relationship with J. It's happened a little sooner than I wanted it to but I am going with the flow of things. He makes me really happy and he likes your sisters and that's all I could ask for. He's even asked about you a couple times.  It's going really well.

And on the house front, I am hoping to get a move in date next week. I would really like to be in my new house before July! I am so anxious. I am so ready for my own place. I am waiting to hear back from Mr. Townsend to see when my final walk through will be. And then after that everything should start taking off.

Your big sister is officially a first grader. She's finished up her first year of big school and I am so proud of her!! She's getting so tall, too! It seems like she's sprouting up there like a weed. She acts so grown up it's not even funny. I would have loved to see you two together.

Teela is getting big too!! She's starting to use more words and climbs around like a monkey!! I am pretty sure both of you would have had fun messing with your Big Sis!!!

Cylas, I've come to realize that I am always going to miss you. No amount of time will ever pass that I'll completely forget you and I wouldn't want to. You are and always will be my little boy!!

I love you so much!!!
Mommy