She made a Video for Cylas; it's at the bottom if you would like to watch it
Cylas' Angel Wings
Cylas' Butterfly Footprints
Thank you Crystal
March 30, 2010
WAS IT A BLESSING?
I know that's a strange question. I've spent many hours and days thinking about this one word since you've died. Was I blessed to have lost you? Was it a blessing that you died? Why would anyone say it was a blessing to lose a child? I know that I don't or didn't see it as a blessing, that's a hard decision. In my heart I wish so badly that you were still here with me growing up right beside your sister(s).
I've had many family members tell me that maybe it was for the best. Even though I hated hearing comments like that I still wasn't disrespectful and I didn't bite their heads off. But this morning as I was taking Teela to school my friends mother who volunteers as a "grandma", she was out front when I came through the door. She looked at me and said "Sarah, do you know you're blessed? Do you know that God blessed you? When your baby died, he made a way for Teela to come into your life. He knew that SHE was going to need someone to love her and knew you would be the one for the job." She went on to say that I have two beautiful little girls. And I know this. I know that I'm blessed to have my daughters. I love them with all my heart. But in the back of my mind I still want my little boy.
27 months ago I was blessed with a handsome little boy who made my heart skip beats. After everything that happened to me during the nine months I carried him, he was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My life was complete. I wanted a little boy my whole life. I think boys are so much easier to take care of than girls and I couldn't wait to have one of my own. I couldn't wait to play ball with him. I couldn't wait for him to get first hair cut, a mohawk, of course. I couldn't wait to hear him say "momma". I couldn't wait for him to be meaner than snake. And I couldn't wait..................well let's just say I couldn't wait for a whole bunch of things to happen.
I felt blessed and then in a little over four days I didn't feel so blessed anymore. Because when my little boy was only 3 weeks old his little life came to a end. My heart was broken and it still is. My little boy, the child that I wanted so desperately was taken from me. Then along came the question: Why? I kept hearing all kinds of advice from my family, a family who I loved but I know didn't understand the pain I felt. They kept telling me to be strong when all I wanted to do was fall to peices. They kept telling me not to cry when all I wanted to do was fill an ocean with my tears. They kept telling me everything was going to be alright when I knew it wasn't. I mean how will it be alright when a part of you missing.
Then I went home from the hospital and realized I had another little life to think about. I had been so focused on Cylas and getting him better, while his big sister was at home waiting for "us" to come home. Then my heart broke all over again because I didn't know how to tell her he was in heaven and he wouldn't be coming home. Aside from losing him, telling her was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Our lives were empty. We were both just going through the motions. I tried my best to answer her questions and she was trying her best to understand my answers. We picked up the peices of our heart and struggled through the rest of the year. Then in December of 2008 Teela was born, a day before Cylas' first birthday. Immediately, even without seeing her I knew she would make a difference in my life. I knew that her mom wasn't able to take care of her and a part of me was just waiting.
I was scared and wondering how Cylas felt knowing that his momma was connected to another baby. I didn't meet Teela until about a week or so after she was born and up until then I didn't have anything to do with anyone's baby. I avoided babies all together. Then when I seen her I couldn't help but let some of the walls that I had build around my already fragile heart fall. I held her the whole time, not eating New Year's dinner. It was just me and Teela. She was so small, nothing compared to Cylas. Cylas was a hoss and a future football player. I had begun hearing all the horror stories of Teela's life. I cried for her because I knew she didn't deserve to live with parents who were on drugs. Her dad was violent and I was worried about her safety.
My dad, his only concern was for me. He didn't want me to take her in. He was worried about me getting attached to her only to have them take her away. But for some reason I was only worried about her, it wasn't until she was already living with us that I started thinking about losing her. She has been with us for a year and I hardly have any contact with her mom. Everyone has accepted Teela has mine. She has truly helped my heart. But I think Cylas will always be apart of my life. I think there's always going to be what if or what might have been. I mean that's all I have when it comes to him. Teela has bounced over many milestones some they said she would never do. Cylas is sharing his mommy with Teela and through Teela I am seeing what I missed with Cylas. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes I laugh because I can only imagine how busy my life would have been with a 27 month old and a 15 month old.
I guess you could say I am just now beginning to feel blessed again. But you know when you fall in the pit you never know how long you'll stay in there. I still have my moments. I still have days when I want to crawl under a rock and stay for about a year but those days are few and far between. My heart is full of love for my children. I send my love to Cylas every day and every night. I carry him with me every where I go. I keep his memory alive and I don't let no one forget about my Cylas. When Teela is old enough to understand I'll tell her about her big brother. I'll tell her that he was a brave little boy and that he made his journey to heaven earlier so he could find the perfect place for his family to spend their eternity.
So I guess after all of that I am blessed for what I have and had. Cylas will never die, he'll live on in our hearts forever. Prairie and Teela will grow up always remembering their brother and that's all I can ask for. Like I said, I love my children. I love them with all my heart and I am blessed.
I think of you often and make no outward show, But what it means to lose you, no one will ever know You wished no one farewell, not even said good-bye, You were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why. You are not forgotten nor will you ever be, As long as life and memories last, I will remember thee. To some you may be forgotten, to others a part of the past, But to me who loved you dearly, your memories will always last. Nothing can be more beautiful than the memories I have of you. To me, you were someone special, God must have thought so too! If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk all the way to Heaven, and bring you back again.
I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees Around the world below, With the all the lights like heaven's stars Reflecting in the snow..
The sight is so spectacular Please wipe away that tear, For I am spending Christmas With Jesus Christ this year..
I hear the many Christmas songs That people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare With the Christmas choir up here..
For I have no words to tell you The joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description To hear as the angels sing..
I know how much you miss me I see the pain inside your heart, But I am spending Christmas With Jesus Christ this year..
I can not tell you of the splendor Or the peace here in this place, Can you just imagine Christmas? With our Savior, face to face?
I will ask HIM to light your spirit As I tell HIM of your love, So then pray one for another As you lift your eyes above..
So please let your hearts be joyful And let your spirit sing, For I am spending Christmas in heaven And I am walking with the King!!!
20 Things I wish you would Remember
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.
13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?