DANCING WITH THE STARS (report 2)

I am sad to admit that I forgot to vote on Monday night. I was trying to put T to sleep and fell asleep in the process. I watched the Elimination show last night and was surprised to find out that Buzz Aldrin gets to dance next week. My guy picks, Jake and Aiden will be back next week. But one of my girl picks was voted off. Bye, Bye Shannen! It was disappointing to see her go, but at least Kate is still there. I also think I am ready to make an early prediction: I think Nicole from the Pussy Cat Dolls will be taking home the ball mirror trophy. She's good! I also like watching Niecy. She keeps it real and she's dedicated her dances to all the more curvy women in the world.

I can't wait to see how well these Stars do next week. They can only get better ( I hope). And I really hope that Kate can put all her focus and frustrations into dancing without being nervous and messing up her dance moves on live TV. Go Kate! Go Aiden! Go Jake! Go Niecy!

SHE'S SIX TODAY

March 31, 2004

May 2004

Sometime in 2005

March 31, 2010 (TODAY)

Today your sister, Prairie, is six years old. She was born at 5:18 in morning and weighed 7lbs. 9 ozs. She has changed but not that much. She has brightened my days for the last six years and I love her. So when you get a chance send her some birthday hugs and kisses.

WAS IT A BLESSING?

I know that's a strange question. I've spent many hours and days thinking about this one word since you've died. Was I blessed to have lost you? Was it a blessing that you died? Why would anyone say it was a blessing to lose a child? I know that I don't or didn't see it as a blessing, that's a hard decision. In my heart I wish so badly that you were still here with me growing up right beside your sister(s).

I've had many family members tell me that maybe it was for the best. Even though I hated hearing comments like that I still wasn't disrespectful and I didn't bite their heads off. But this morning as I was taking Teela to school my friends mother who volunteers as a "grandma", she was out front when I came through the door. She looked at me and said "Sarah, do you know you're blessed? Do you know that God blessed you? When your baby died, he made a way for Teela to come into your life. He knew that SHE was going to need someone to love her and knew you would be the one for the job." She went on to say that I have two beautiful little girls. And I know this. I know that I'm blessed to have my daughters. I love them with all my heart. But in the back of my mind I still want my little boy.

27 months ago I was blessed with a handsome little boy who made my heart skip beats. After everything that happened to me during the nine months I carried him, he was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My life was complete. I wanted a little boy my whole life. I think boys are so much easier to take care of than girls and I couldn't wait to have one of my own. I couldn't wait to play ball with him. I couldn't wait for him to get first hair cut, a mohawk, of course. I couldn't wait to hear him say "momma". I couldn't wait for him to be meaner than snake. And I couldn't wait..................well let's just say I couldn't wait for a whole bunch of things to happen.

I felt blessed and then in a little over four days I didn't feel so blessed anymore. Because when my little boy was only 3 weeks old his little life came to a end. My heart was broken and it still is. My little boy, the child that I wanted so desperately was taken from me. Then along came the question: Why? I kept hearing all kinds of advice from my family, a family who I loved but I know didn't understand the pain I felt. They kept telling me to be strong when all I wanted to do was fall to peices. They kept telling me not to cry when all I wanted to do was fill an ocean with my tears. They kept telling me everything was going to be alright when I knew it wasn't. I mean how will it be alright when a part of you missing.

Then I went home from the hospital and realized I had another little life to think about. I had been so focused on Cylas and getting him better, while his big sister was at home waiting for "us" to come home. Then my heart broke all over again because I didn't know how to tell her he was in heaven and he wouldn't be coming home. Aside from losing him, telling her was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Our lives were empty. We were both just going through the motions. I tried my best to answer her questions and she was trying her best to understand my answers. We picked up the peices of our heart and struggled through the rest of the year. Then in December of 2008 Teela was born, a day before Cylas' first birthday. Immediately, even without seeing her I knew she would make a difference in my life. I knew that her mom wasn't able to take care of her and a part of me was just waiting.

I was scared and wondering how Cylas felt knowing that his momma was connected to another baby. I didn't meet Teela until about a week or so after she was born and up until then I didn't have anything to do with anyone's baby. I avoided babies all together. Then when I seen her I couldn't help but let some of the walls that I had build around my already fragile heart fall. I held her the whole time, not eating New Year's dinner. It was just me and Teela. She was so small, nothing compared to Cylas. Cylas was a hoss and a future football player. I had begun hearing all the horror stories of Teela's life. I cried for her because I knew she didn't deserve to live with parents who were on drugs. Her dad was violent and I was worried about her safety.

My dad, his only concern was for me. He didn't want me to take her in. He was worried about me getting attached to her only to have them take her away. But for some reason I was only worried about her, it wasn't until she was already living with us that I started thinking about losing her. She has been with us for a year and I hardly have any contact with her mom. Everyone has accepted Teela has mine. She has truly helped my heart. But I think Cylas will always be apart of my life. I think there's always going to be what if or what might have been. I mean that's all I have when it comes to him. Teela has bounced over many milestones some they said she would never do. Cylas is sharing his mommy with Teela and through Teela I am seeing what I missed with Cylas. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes I laugh because I can only imagine how busy my life would have been with a 27 month old and a 15 month old.

I guess you could say I am just now beginning to feel blessed again. But you know when you fall in the pit you never know how long you'll stay in there. I still have my moments. I still have days when I want to crawl under a rock and stay for about a year but those days are few and far between. My heart is full of love for my children. I send my love to Cylas every day and every night. I carry him with me every where I go. I keep his memory alive and I don't let no one forget about my Cylas. When Teela is old enough to understand I'll tell her about her big brother. I'll tell her that he was a brave little boy and that he made his journey to heaven earlier so he could find the perfect place for his family to spend their eternity.

So I guess after all of that I am blessed for what I have and had. Cylas will never die, he'll live on in our hearts forever. Prairie and Teela will grow up always remembering their brother and that's all I can ask for. Like I said, I love my children. I love them with all my heart and I am blessed.

HAIRCUT & A PARTY

Cylas,

Our weekend was full of surprises. On Friday your sisters and I went to Wally World and on the spur of the moment Prairie got her hair cut. I think she looks so cute and she really likes it. That's the most important thing is that she likes it, KWIM. Didn't buy a lot of stuff because I needed money for her party, which was the next day.

Saturday she had her party at Chuck E. Cheese's. She had a blast!! I hope you were able to sit on a cloud and watch as the festivities unfolded. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera so no pics were taken. She got to meet Chuck E. and play all kinds of games. I know it will be a party to remember. It wasn't that expensive either. I probably spent the same amount I would have spent if we had it at home. Then after the party she went to Build A Bear and made a bunny rabbit she named Angela. That's always a fun trip to make. She thinks she has to get clothes, panties, and shoes for every animal she builds.

Teela seemed to enjoy herself too. She liked watching the screens at Chuck E. Cheese's and would dance to the music. She didn't get to build her a bear though. I want her to be able to enjoy the experience so I might wait a few months before I actually let her build one. In the meantime she can carry one of Prairie's around.

As always, you were missing from all the chaos I call my life and theirs. I know in my heart you are always with us no matter where we are, but sometimes that isn't enough. I would give anything to have you back in my arms. I would tell you a hundred times or more how much I love you. So even though I try to keep moving I still end up taking a few small steps back. Cylas you are missed and I hope you know that. You are loved more than anything in this world and I only hope that my love and your sister's love reaches you in Heaven.

(Above is a picture of Prairie with her new do. Ok, now I got the picture on here. Doesn't she look cute with this hair cut, Cylas?)

Mommy

27 MONTHS OLD

TODAY YOU ARE 27 MONTHS OLD, CYLAS.

I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT KIND OF MILESTONES YOU WOULD BE PUSHING THROUGH BUT I WISH YOU WERE HERE TO SHOW ME. I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE TIME TO START WORKING ON POTTY TRAINING. BOYS ARE SO MUCH HARDER TO POTTY TRAIN COMPLETELY. YOU GUYS SEEM TO PICK UP ON THE PEEING PART FASTER THAN THE POOPING PART. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THIS WOULD NOT BE AN ENJOYABLE EVENT FOR BOTH OF US.

AND I ALSO KIND OF FIGURE YOU WOULD BE TALKING UP A STORM. LEARNING AND USING ANY WORD YOU KNOW. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO READ TO? YOUR SISTERS LIKE FOR ME TO READ TO THEM. WELL I GUESS IN A WAY WHEN I READ TO THEM I AM READING TO YOU TOO! YOU CAN PROBABLY HEAR ME IN HEAVEN AND YOU MORE THAN MOST LIKELY LAY ON A CLOUD AND LISTEN TO EVERY WORD. THAT'S A COMFORTING THOUGHT. JUST TO KNOW THAT YOUR NOT MISSING ANYTHING THAT I DO WITH P AND T IS GREAT. YOU MAY NOT BE HERE IN PERSON BUT IN SPIRIT AND IN OUR HEARTS YOU ENJOY YOUR MOMMY!

I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY. EASTER IS COMING UP........COMING UP TOO FAST IF YOU ASK ME. I HAVE SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO DO FOR YOU BUT JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME. I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SET UP AN EASTER TREE FOR YOU. I MIGHT WORK ON THAT THIS WEEKEND. I'LL BE ASHEVILLE ON SATURDAY SO I MIGHT LOOK FOR SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU. P WILL HAVE HER B-DAY PARTY AT CHUCK E CHEESE'S, THAT SHOULD BE FUN! I HOPE YOU ARE ABLE TO TAKE A PEAK OVER THE CLOUDS TO SEE HER AND HER FRIENDS. IT WOULD BE SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE THOUGH. YOU MISS SO MUCH EVERYDAY IT'S NOT FAIR.

WELL I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT YOU TODAY. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND I MISS YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW (OR DO YOU?)

MOMMY

DANCING WITH THE STARS

I watched DWTS last night. I've been waiting on the new season to start. I don't know who I am going to pull for this time around. I usually pull for one female and one male. I was anxious to see Kate Gosselin and Shannen Doherty. I know that everyone thinks Kate doesn't deserve to be on the show, but I believe that everyone deserves a chance at something. I've always liked Shannen. I am a HUGE fan of Charmed and she was Prue for about 3 seasons. I also like Nicole, but I think I'll stick with Kate. I am a single mom and single mom's should support each other. And as for the guys, I really thing Aiden is cute and he did alright last night. I'm also looking at the Bachelor Jake. So I might be pulling for 4 until it gets really good. It's only the beginning and I can't wait to see more DWTS.

Teela is finally getting better. She had a asthma attack on Thursday and it scared me to death. I was so worried about that little one. Everytime she's sick, I go back to thinking about you when you were so sick and the thoughts that run through my mind terrify me. I'm glad that you are watching over us and keeping us safe. You are our Angel and I know that we're in good hands.

Your Big sister is preparing for her birthday party this weekend at Chuck E. Cheese's. She's invited four friends and I can only hope that they show up. She doesn't turn six until next Wednesday but this Saturday is my weekend and she doesn't have to go visit her dad or anything. She misses you so much. Please stay close to her. Send her your amazing angel hugs and heavenly kisses.

I love you and miss you always!!!

Mommy

NEW PICTURES

Over the weekend your sisters had their pictures taken. I hope you enjoy them.

Love,
Mommy

26 MONTHS

You've been in heaven for 26 months. It's hard to believe. I miss you so much everyday. I still have many wishes that never get granted. I had a rough week last week. I cried more than I've cried in a while.

I love you!!!

Mommy

THE EMAIL

Today I was emailing a friend and was talking to her about loss. She lost her husband December 2008 and was talking about how she has her good days and bad days. I happened to mention that I still have mine too. In a little over a week, you will be gone for 2 years & 2 months. Time keeps marching on and will continue to do so until the end of time. And then out of no where the tears started to flow. Usually it's pretty easy to pull myself together but not this time. I had a full break down right here in my office. I don't know where it came from. I know that I cried myself to sleep last night, too.

It must be that time of the month again. It's time for those 10 days to come and it can either be easy or hard. I'm having a Sister moment 6 days early. I miss you soooooooooooo much!!!! I long to have you in my arms again.

CYLAS I'M MISSING YOU TODAY!!! Just wanted you to know.

Mommy