1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.
13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?
*adapted and edited from
Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*
This is how the road looks leading up to my house site. It looked alot of worse, but I guess they'll fix it. I can get it paved soon after I move into my new house, but I don't know when that will be. I don't even think our house has been ordered yet. But this is all so very exciting. The only thing I'm dreading is having to buy my furniture. I've been asking people about where the best place is to get furniture. Because I'll have to buy everything, UGH!!! 
For the past three weeks me and other parents have been working feverishly on our float for the annual parade that kicks off our Fair, the first full week in October. I missed Float Prep last week due to your sisters being sick and all, so this week I have alot to do. I am the secretary for the Parent Group and I swear it's like my second job, just without pay. So I am in charge of sending out reminders, getting "forms" signed, and collecting anything else that might need to be collected.
Cylas, I hate rainy days. They remind me of how much I'm missing you. No matter how I try to move forward, memories of you still flood my mind. Each day that passes is a reminder of what I'm missing. Each holiday is a reminder of what I'm missing. Each birthday reminds me of the changes you would have made every year. Every little boy I see, makes me wonder, would Cylas be doing that? They are the constant reminders, letting me know, that you are not here. 
With everything going on, I still remembered your angel-varsary today. It amazes me sometimes. I feel like a much older woman with my memory being so bad and all. But I kind of figure I'm not ever going to forget the worse day in my life. I can't believe it's been 20 months already.
Well, at least that's how I've felt all weekend. Friday did not go good at all. The hospital REFUSED to admit any wrong doing, but they did say you were given an EXCESSIVE amount of IV fluid, but that was about it. They know that we don't have money to fight this and it just pisses me off. I want to fight so hard for you. I want them to admit to more than the IV overload. I want them to pay for what they've done to you. 
Cylas, all I can think about is tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. What will I hear? I have a huge knot in my stomach, my head is hurting, and my heart is racing. I'm trying to keep only positive thoughts in head, but that is a battle within itself.
I was on my way to lunch and I received a text message from your grandma. And even though I have major issues with your so called "dad", your grandma was there for us and I know that she cares about you. Well, anywho, she texts me, telling me that she received an email for the LAWYER and he wants to meet with us ASAP. And of course my first thoughts are is it good or bad? Will there be more waiting or more fighting with the hospital? Will settling our case be enough? Is it time for that dreaded battle on the money? (I have no intention on letting your so called "dad" get his hands on any money received, if we get any at all. So I know that IS something he'll fight tooth and nail for.) He's so pathetic. You didn't matter to him until he realized there could be money involved. 
These pictures were taken on Saturday. They seem to be moving right along with the foundation for the house. Your sister is very excited and I am too!!!! 
Yeah, that's what it is, it's progress. Finally after FIVE years I can say I am getting a house. Of course, your missing from my happiness, but I am finally going to be able to say I have a home for my kids and myself. I wanted my own place for so long and now that it's actually coming together I just feel relief. I plan on having a special spot just for you and the stuff I buy for you. I want to plant a tree in your memory. There are all kinds of wants but as always you are the one that I want. 
