HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY!!!

Cylas' birthday isn't officially until tomorrow, but it's a holiday here at work and I won't have computer access until January 4, 2010.

I can't believe my little boy is going to be 2 years old. It's not fair that I have to celebrate this special day without him. I have tons of memories and I have tons of heartache. I continue to wish Cylas could come back and be here with me and his sisters. They would be so fun together.

Tomorrow I will send him lots of balloons and we'll have a cake. I have his birthday/Christmas presents but I don't know if I can make it to his gravesite. The snow has really messed up my plans, UGH!! He also has a new Christmas ornament but unfortunately I won't be able to use it this year. My dad has refused to put up a tree because he's afraid Teela will knock it down.

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA!!!!!  Your momma, sisters, Nan & Pop, and Uncle love you with all our hearts. We miss you tremendously. You were a wonderful baby and miss holding you in my arms. I wish I could hear you talk and laugh. I wish that I could look into those beautiful eyes just one more time. I wish that ...................................you could be here.

I love you baby!!!!!

Mommy

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TEELA!!

Today is Teela's first birthday. Her birthday party will not be until Saturday so not a whole lot of planning going on today. As many of you know, Teela came into my life a year after Cylas was born and died and I wasn't sure if I could be the mother she needed me to be. I was so very afraid of making Cylas feel bad or forgetting him. But I slowly opened up my heart again and Teela has made this road of loss alot easier, not completely better because I was able to see what I've missed out on during the first year of Cylas' life.

I know there will always be those what if's and tons of regrets, but I continue living my life day by day. I know that my precious Cylas is watching over his family and I'll forever carry him in my heart and soul. I will love him forever and always. I will also do what I have to to remember him always.

Cylas, please visit your little sister on her birthday. She is loved and well taken care of, I am grateful you made it possible for me to have my rainbow after the storm.

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TEELA!!!
Mommy, Prairie, and Cylas love you very much

MY APOLOGIES

I know I was doing really good posting pictures of my house. WELL................ for last couple of weeks I have not been able to make it to my house. The road is just awful and now with the snow storm we had this past weekend it's probably even WORSE. I've taken pictures of the inside but I used my "regular" camera and not my cell phone, sooooooooo I haven't quite had time to download those yet. I am pleased with the inside of my house. It's big enough for me and the girls. The sales person told me at the beginning of the month he wanted me in it by Christmas but that's not going to happen. I don't have power, the power company needs to clear about 40 feet of trees in order to get my lines up and I don't have a full working septic system yet. I'm thinking we won't move in until February 2010 and even that is a STRETCH.

Now, I am trying to save up money for my furniture. I will have some but I know that it will not be enough. I need to buy a new bed (King size) for me, a dining room set, a living room set, a new TV (or maybe two). I've already saved money for my house payments, about 4 or 5 months worth, so that's covered. I'll probably have to have a few fund raisers or something.

As you can see from ABOVE I received the girls' Christmas pictures. They turned out GREAT. I came to work this morning and immediately started working on a slide show. I hope everyone enjoys the pictures. The girls did a great job. But of course someone was missing. Cylas never had his picture taken professionally except for the picture they take at the hospital. When he was born I didn't plan on getting his first picture taken until I went to get Prairie's 4th birthday pictures done. But he never made it to that point. That is one, along with many, regret(s) that I have. Not having enough pictures of my cute, handsome Cylas. If I only knew, you know.

Cylas' birthday is 2 days away...............................  :(

IT'S GOING TO BE A HARD WEEK

I've been doing good so far this month. But then last night I totally broke down in front of the kiddos. I was holding T and just holding her so tight. P was asking what was wrong, then she knew that I was missing you. I've been trying so hard to be strong and keep a smiling, happy face. But I haven't been able to quit thinking about you all weekend. Maybe it was the snow and being stuck at home that made me think about you so much. Your 2nd birthday is 3 days away and I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I was really hoping it wouldn't snow so I could visit your grave and leave your toys. But SNOW always ruins my plans. I also probably won't be able to release balloons at your grave either. I will send them though. I just need to go buy some.

Cylas, please visit me. Let me know that you are around. I miss you so very much. It's so hard celebrating Christmas without you. There's this big hole. Someone is missing and that someone is never coming back. You would think I would be past this stage by now, but I'm not. It seems like it starts over with each year and each holiday that passes.

I LOVE YOU, forever and always.
Mommy

SNOW

On Friday, December 18th we had our first major snow storm. It came really fast and kept us at home most of the weekend. Here are some pictures.

A BIRTHDAY & 23 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

**NOTE: this was published in our weekly paper it didn't look this way, but I am trying to add spaces. I hate it when my paragraphs are thisclose together.

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In Loving Memory

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of

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Cylas Mychal Toineeta

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December 24, 2007 - January 15, 2008

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HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY!

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There's a special angel in Heaven, That is a part of me.

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It is not where I wanted HIM, but where God wanted HIM to be.

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HE was here just a moment, like a night time shooting star.

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And although HE is in Heaven, HE isn't very far.

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HE touched the hearts of many, like only an angel can do.

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I would've held HIM every minute, if the end I only knew.

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So I send this special message, to Heaven up above.

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Please take care of my angel, and send HIM all my love.

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~~Author Unknown~~

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Loved and Missed by:

Mommy, Iwodi, Nan, Pop & Kawaya

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I try to put something in the paper for all the special dates. This one is for his birthday which is next week and then in January I'll probably do something for his 2nd Angelvarsary. But I would rather be putting "Happy Birthday" instead of "In Loving Memory". I hate that this what I have to do. I love having my own personal guardian angel but it doesn't take the place of having him here alive and in my arms.

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In my title I mentioned a birthday; well today is my mom's birthday. I won't say how many year's "young" she is, but it's so hard knowing that Cylas 23 month Angelvarsary is on the same day. Even though I don't always tell my mom I love her, I do. She's the best mom in the world. She might be a clingy mom but honestly I woudn't have it any other way. She's a pit bull when it comes to me, my brother, and her grand kids. She's so funny!!

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM (NANA)!

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So, Cylas has I prepare for next week I find my self being emotionless. I don't want to cry, I'm not angry, & I'm not very talkative. A part of me is dreading your 2nd birthday. Mainly because I also have to plan a small 1st birthday party for Teela, too! I know that I don't have to but my family will expect something to take place for her. Last year I didn't tell anyone about your small party mainy because I didn't know how to approach it. And I'm not sure what I really want to do for either of you. I'm LOST!

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Please be close to your Nan today. I'm sure she would love a visit from her grandson.

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I love you always and forever,

MOM

NEW "CYLAS" ITEM

Over the weekend, I got a new CYLAS item. It's his name carved from wood. I love it!!

WEEKEND CATCH UP

Over the weekend we took off to Pigeon Forge. That's our get away spot, and one that I would like to change in the future. It would be nice to go somewhere else for a change, but there are times that it's just easy to climb in the car and go over the mountain and be at the destination in an hour. We stayed the whole time and even had to do some shopping in the snow. We went to the Dixie Stampede on Friday and shopping on Saturday & Sunday.

I had fun all weekend. Your sisters enjoyed themselves. I got P's picture take with Santa Clause and it was a bittersweet moment for me. While she was on his lap smiling her beautiful smile, it hit me. I am NEVER going to see you on Santa's lap. I'm NEVER going to see you possibly pull his beard or cry because your scared of him. I felt the tears flow down my cheeks and realized where I was. I knew that I couldn't break down right there in the mall. So I had to pull myself together and tell P how pretty her picture was. I don't think she knew what I was thinking and she didn't ask when she saw what was left of the tears I started to cry. T didn't get her picture made with Santa because her hair was a mess and I was afraid she might cry on him. I'll try her a little later.

Christmas is usually a time for Family pictures and even though I have plans to get the girl's pictures made on Friday, I can't help but think about you and how your not here to be in our family pictures. But I would like to find a way to include you some how. One of my friends and Jack's mommy mentioned something about a white angel bear and your name written out to include in each family picture. Well I like the idea but I don't have an angel bear. But I do have your name carved from wood. I just got it made on Sunday and I love it. SO I might be able to figure something out. I also think it would be cool if I could find someone to age your picture with each birthday that passes. But I've heard and read that it could be hard since you were so young in the pictures that I have of you. If only????

I still need to go shopping for you. You need some Christmas decorations and some flowers. I also want to buy you some new toys. Every boy needs some trucks and bulldozers. Maybe I'll have time to do that this weekend. It would just be easier if you were here. But I know that you must have an awesome Birthday and Christmas in Heaven, it could never compare to what you would have here (but I try).

Love,

Mommy

DONATION

I wasn't going to make my donation so soon, but I donated to Toys for Tots in memory of YOU. I wanted to wait until your birthday was closer but I may not have computer access at that time. I only hope that my donation will make a child(ren) happy at Christmas time.

IT'S DECEMBER

Today is the first day of December, where has the time gone? I wish we had all the time in the world, but it doesn't stop for anything. It didn't stop when you died, and it sure as HELL doesn't stop when you feel like your world is falling apart. And I have to say I feel that way more than I should. But I manage to hold it all together for the sake of my girls. They don't need to see Mommy completely breaking down. I try to hold it all in because I don't have much time to myself, but when I do I take advantage of it.

On December 15th your 23rd month Angelvarsary will be here. And then on December 24th you'll be two years old. Last year those days were hard and I'm not sure if this time around is going to be harder or not. Everyone gets hit on a different level for different things, so I think I'm still waiting for something to happen. I know that I diffinitely miss having a two year around to chase from here to there. There are a ton of things I miss but it's a really long list and it's probably a list I've mentioned over and over. But it's the truth. You never quite get over anything and you don't ever get over missing something important that should be happening.

I've been dreading December all year long mainly because I never know how to act. Should I be the GRINCH or should I have a smiling face because of the girls. Who knows? And as much as I hate December I can't stand January. It seems like someone in my life always passes away in January. It really sucks. If I knew I could get away with it I would sleep on through to February. I can feel my chest getting heavy and I feel that huge lump in the back of my throat. All I know to do is take a deep breathe and keep moving. I have pictures of you on my desk and I look at them all day and wish. Often fighting back the flood of tears I know want to escape from my eyes. No one ever said being the mom of a angel is easy and I will tell anyone that it's not. It's not fun. You have to live the rest of your life missing, loving, wondering, wishing, & wanting what you lost back and it never happens. The hole that is left in your heart gets filled only to be emptied again on the next birthday or angelvarsary.

Cylas, Mommy is missing you so much. Dreading the weeks ahead but trying to hold my head up high.

MY THANKSGIVING IN HEAVEN

Mom,

My Thanksgiving in Heaven was great. All my angel friends and I had fun flying around watching our families have a good day. We seen some pretty funny things happen and there were also some sad moments we observed. We realized that even after all this time we are STILL missed so much. It just so happened that my favorite cloud floated over Nan and Pop's house for most of the day. I heard Nana say she missed me. I also heard my big sister tell you she missed me and wished that I could be there. You know there aren't supposed to be tears in heaven but Mom I miss you too!! I don't know how you manage to make it through your day. I see your pain and every part of me wants to fly right into your arms. But Heaven is so much better than earth and I am so torn. But I am always looking in to see what's going on. I want to make sure everyone is doing alright. There are times I love what I see and then there are times I wish I didn't take a look.

Mom, I know that you miss me. But I want you to know that I am fine. I love being here in Heaven. I have so many new angel friends and new ones arrive almost daily. I spend my time taking flying lessons, I do pretty good, but I'm not an expert yet. I also help those new angels navigate through Heaven's golden streets. I help them find the cloud that over looks their family. It can be an easy transition, but there are times it's harder for them to understand why they were taken so early.

With each thought you have of me, it finds its way up to me and I can feel the love you have for me in your heart. And I know that you will never forget me. I know you spend your time worrying about doing enough to make sure no one else forgets me too. Thanks mom!! I think my friends are planning a huge 2nd birthday party for me but they are keeping it on the down low, or at least they think they are. I'll be around watching you, Teela, and Prairie!! Sending my love from up above. Please tell Prairie that I love and miss her too! Teela is such a special addition to the family. Mom, please don't hold back your love for her. There is enough room in your heart for all of us.

Mom, I love you!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

To my readers & Cylas: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I wanted to take this time to send out thanksgiving wishes. I hope that you and your families have a wonderful & safe Thanksgiving.

Cylas, have a great Thanksgiving in Heaven. Wish that you could be here, but I know that you are watching over each of us from your favorite fluffy cloud. Sending you my love!!!!!!

WHAT I'M THANKFUL FOR

I am thankful for my girls. For Prairie, without her, I probably would have fallen into the deep dark Pit after Cylas died. She kept me from falling. For Teela, she taught me that I can love another baby and still love the precious little boy I lost. She showed me how to open my heart again.

I am thankful for my family. They are great. I've never had any of them tell me to "get over it". They "try" to understand what I've gone through, even though I know they never will. But they don't try to change me.

I am thankful for the time I had with Cylas. Even though somtimes my selfishness takes over. I am very thankful I was able to hold him in my arms, run my fingers through that thick black hair, look into those dreamy eyes, and most importantly tell him how much I LOVED him. Cylas I will love you the rest of my life.

I am thankful to God. I know that he and I have had a love/hate relationship since losing Cylas. I've asked WHY numerous times. But I am trying to work on that relationship.

**I would love to hear what everyone else is thankful for.**


Cylas' Mommy

23 MONTHS OLD

Cylas, today you are another month older. What else can I say? Aside from the usual I miss you and love you with all my heart. It's getting harder to concentrate on day to day activities. All I can think about is the fact that you'll be two years old next month. I'm already beginning to wonder if I'll do enough to celebrate such a big day. I've continually wished for you to come back, I wonder if I'll ever stop? Maybe, who knows.

But I do love and miss you.

HAPPY 23 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!

CYLAS' ANGEL FRIEND

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY

NORAH!!

3 MORE PICS

These will probably be the last pics until they do more, like add a porch. I've got two more views of my house and one picture of where my well will be. They didn't work on it yesterday, but I'll be checking for more progress.

MORE PICS OF "MY" HOUSE

Man, that sounds good!! MY HOUSE!!! I've waited so long and it seems like in a flash it's here. It took 5 years but I am so relieved to finally have it here. SORRY there's not a better view of the whole house. It's pretty muddy up there and I'm not very big on getting muddy and all. And it looks like it's going to be raining the rest of this week, UGH!! But I drive up there everyday, you know, I don't want it to disappear or anything, HA!!

***Debbie: yes, I will post pictures of the inside as soon as I am able to go inside. I can't wait to see the inside either ;)***

Sarah T.

22 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

Yesterday was 22 months since I said goodbye to you. I've been doing really good and haven't been on the edge of the PIT for months, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in my usual BLAH mood but nothing severe. I'm dreading the next two months and I am praying I make it through.

I was able to visit your grave and I think I cried more than I talked. I hugged your headstone and just cried. I feel so bad. Your grave doesn't have any flowers on it. I've haven't any extra money to buy more since I cleaned it off two months ago. I told your sister we would try and buy something this weekend.

I love you more and more with each day that passes. And I miss you more and more with each minute that goes by.

Mommy

SURPRISE, SURPRISE

Right after I came off the mountain from taking pictures of the first half of my house, the other half was coming up the main road. So, I was able to get pics of them actually moving the house in. I was feeling kind of bad, because I missed everything earlier in the day but being able to watch the process was fun and exciting. Here are the pics of that.

According to my parents, they had a really rough time getting the first half up that road. But I think they did it alot faster yesterday evening. I guess because they had already did once that day anyway. I don't know when the house will be put on the foundation, I'll be on the look out for the crane.

IT'S HERE........

****Here are the pictures as promised. The top picture is a pic of the MESS! But who cares about the mess I am so happy its here, well at least half of it. HA!!****

I got a call from my mom and she said "half" of your house is sitting in the road right now!!! I am so excited!!!!! I am going to try and get pictures right after work. Oh Cylas, please help the movers have a safe day. Help them easily get our house up on that mountain.

SELFISHNESS

Boy, has that happened alot since T entered into our lives. First, it was my heart. I was so afraid to open it up to her but then I realized she needed me and that she deserved as much love as I could possibly give her. Then, it was your bottle. I saved one bottle that you used and I had every intention on keeping it put up. But then T came and she only had one bottle that I was having to re-wash. Poor thing she needed it and even though I felt immensely guilty for it, I let her use "your" bottle. And last night, as I was putting her into her crib, your blanket (we call it "Cylas blanket) was in her crib. I've always tried to only use her blankets in her crib. Without thinking, I put your blanket on her, and then broke down into tears. I kept thinking about how I should have been allowed to use it on you. And how unfair it was that she is the one using it. That was a selfish thought and I felt so bad afterward.

T is a part of our life now and I do love her, but with all that love, I am missing you more and more. I keep thinking about how you would have been if you were here. I have a feeling that you might have been as mean as a striped snake. You probably would be torturing your Big Sis. Please tell God to forgive me for my selfishness and let him know that I am THANKFULL for all that I have. I love P, T and You. I am thankful for the time I spent with you. But I am human and I think I am allowed to wonder what might have been.

I hope that T will forgive me for being that way. And I hope you can forgive me. I am learning to love here and far away and it hasn't been easy.

HOUSE UPDATE

Well my house still hasn't made it. And the waiting is killing me. I WANT MY HOUSE! However, on another note the tribal construction well crew is up there right now drilling my well site out. If I can I'll get pictures and post them tomorrow.

Cylas' Mom

(I posted two pics. Sorry it took so long. I didn't get a close up because it's really muddy up there on my land site.)

TOYS FOR TOTS

So, I am looking for ways to honor you this year. This is something I want to do until I die and I hope that your sisters continue once I'm gone. Last year I bought a gift and donated it to a local child here on reservation. This year I want to do something different. I want to donate to Toys for Tots and of course put it in honor of you, Cylas. I was looking at this link http://asheville-nc.toysfortots.org/local-coordinator-sites/lco-sites/default.asp and they make it easy to donate. So on top of having a small birthday party, a little child will receive a gift from our family on Christmas day. I can honestly say that the thought of a child getting a gift, that on a normal basis he/she wouldn't received, makes me smile.

However, I am not done. I am still looking for something else to do. As always I'm still looking and thinking about what to do for you on your 2nd Birthday. I want to make each birthday the best. Am I thinking too hard? I know that no party can compare to a birthday in heaven, but I'm a mom and I only want the best for you.

Love,

Mommy

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY

REESE JACLYN GOSLEE

"REESIE CUP"

Her birthday is not officially until Sunday, November 8th, but I am away from my "work" computer until Monday.

A WHOLE BUNCH OF NOTHING

I don't have a lot to write about. It's been pretty BLAH this week. However, I did hear that our cousin's cancer has spread into his brain and he has chosen not to do the radiation or chemo. It's hard hearing that kind of news but I try to stay positive until the very end. I've always been that way. I used to think of myself as a cry baby when it came to bad news but now I'm not so sure.

I'm not in the PIT so to say, I'm just without words, if you can believe that's possible!!!!! Sister and I have been talking to you and about you a lot lately. Cylas star is the first star out at night and each time we've looked up at it, a plane is flying by. So we think you are so lucky because you get to see that plane up close and personal. Sister also wishes that she could fly to the moon and talk to you just like the little girl in "Dancing on the Moon." She has taken that book to school and shared with her "English" class, actually she's been taking it every where.

I guess it's just that time again. Pretty soon the anxiety will be building and I won't be able to stand it. But I'm going to try to do a little better this year. T's birthday is a day before yours so I've got to do something for her's, but I'm still not sure what to do for your's. I plan on getting a cake again, and buying you some toys, and letting some balloons go (not sure if I'll do it at the house or at your grave). But I always start wondering if that's enough. I also plan to buy a toy for a boy your age and donating it again. That was something that Sister and I both worked on last year and it really seemed to help her.

And of course I am counting down the days to the release of NEW MOON!!!! November 20th can't come fast enough!!!!

I guess that's about it. I know that I'm rambling so I might as well quit while I'm ahead.

Love you so much,

Mom

LOOK AT BABY SISTER

Cylas,

Here is your Baby Sis in her Halloween Costume.

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY

JACK JOSEPH LEE!!!!

HALLOWEEN & RAIN

Sorry the pictures look this way. They were taken with my cell phone and I don't know what's wrong with it.

Unfortunately, it rained here Halloween. Your big Sister was able to go trick or treating with her dad but I didn't take the baby. She's just now getting over a cold and ear infections and I didn't want to take a chance. So I am very disappointed that she didn't get to go, but I guess it will be alright. I am also very disappointed in myself this time around. I usually decorate your grave for each occasion that comes around and I didn't get a chance to do it this time. It was either raining, or I didn't have any extra cash to spend. So you didn't get any Halloween decorations and I'm so sorry for that. My heart just aches when I can't do something special for you. But you were not forgotten!!! You were in my thoughts throughout this whole weekend. I closed my eyes and pictured you running around in your dinosaur costume, growling and chasing your big Sissy around. I get sad because I have to do that. It would be so much easier if you were here!!!

I have two pictures to post of your Big Sissy, but I haven't had a chance to put T in her caterpillar costume and get some pics but I will. Also, you have an angel friend who has a birthday coming up, it's actually tomorrow. It's Jack!! Please tell Jack that your mommy said "Happy Birthday!" Also, tell him to go by and visit his mommy, daddy and baby brother Marshal. They miss him so much!!!

One special occasion down, 5 other occasions to go. UUUGGGGHHHH!!!!

Love,

Mommy

HALLOWEEN & WAITING

Tomorrow is Halloween. I'm not much of a fan of Halloween but it's fun for the kids. Your big Sis is dressing up like a vampire and your little Sis is a caterpiller, so CUTE! And you would have been a dinosaur (said the big SIS!). So I know you would have made a very cute Chubby Dinosaur, maybe a little like Little Foot from the "Land before time" movie's. As I prepare for tomorrow, I can't help but miss you. You should be here for all this excitement, you know. The parent group has planned a "healthy" Halloween Carnival today at your sister's school so I have to go to that in a few. HAPPY HALLOWEEN CYLAS!!! One thing I know for sure is that you make a cute ANGEL!!!

I also took your medical records to a new law firm yesterday. So now I'm worried about that. I stay worried about this though. I know that time is running out and that freaks me out more than anything. I have to wait until next week before I know if they will move forward or tell me to hit the road. I am really praying they can do something. I will fight has hard as I can until January 15, 2010!! I promise you that.

Please continue to stay close, son. We love you and miss you very much.
Mommy

HOUSE

Cylas, the house is finally complete and should be on it's way. YAY!!!! It should be getting delivered either this week or next week. I am thinking next week because it's suppose be raining here the rest of the week. I am so happy. I've been waiting on my house for five years and to know that it's finally happening, I just can't believe it.

But of course, you will not be here to enjoy the new house and that's sad, but I'll know you'll be watching over us from heaven. And as you probably know, it's getting pretty crowded at Nan and Pop's. I am just grateful to have them for my parents. I don't know how I would have made it through the last two years without them. (MOM and DAD I know your not computer savy and all, but I LOVE YOU BOTH WITH ALL MY HEART!!!!) They have been so supportive and they love you and Prairie so much!!!

Well, I hope to be posting some pics in the next two weeks or so, so be on the look out.

MY LETTER TO CYLAS

Dear Cylas,

Mommy and Big Sister miss you so much. It's been 21 months and I can feel the anxiety building up. Halloween is coming up and I really wish I could see you in your cute costume. Next is Thanksgiving, then your 2nd Birthday and finally Christmas. But none of these occasions matter. They don't matter because I'm missing you.

I know I'm missing alot and what I wouldn't give for one more day with you. I long to hold you in my arms. I want to kiss your chubby cheeks. I do my best to put a smile on my face but inside I'm still sad. I'm still hurting. My life changed when I lost you. I will no longer be the person I used to be. I know that many people are waiting for that person to come back but it's not going to happen. That person died when you died.

Cylas, my baby boy, please stay close to us. These next few months are going to be unbearable to say the least and it's not going to be easy. Mommy, Big Sis, Little Sis, Nan, Pop & your Uncles are going to miss you always but you are forever in our hearts.

Continue sending those Angel Kisses and Heavenly Hugs, Son. And we'll continue to send you our love on Angel wings at night.

Love,
Mom

THE STARS IN THE SKY

They shine bright each night
Which one are you?

They bring light to the night sky
Where are you?

They bring hope to a broken heart
Can I capture you in my hand?

They never go out
Is that you I see?

There's more of them each night
But why?

Don't you know that God only picks the very best for his garden........

He also picks only the best for the night sky. The stars are the light of each child's heart whose gone too soon..........picked to glow forever.



**Note: I am not the best poem writer in the world, but for some reason last night these words flowed from me and onto the paper. Enjoy........***

CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA

Please know that you are loved and missed! You were my baby boy, your sister's baby brother, the apple of pop and nan's eye, & the only nephew your uncle's had.

Now you are my guardian angel, the brightest star in the night sky, that picture in the frame that will forever stay the same, & the tiny football player we dreamed of

22 MONTHS...TOMORROW

Happy 22 months, Cylas!!!! How I wish you were here with me safe in my arms!!! Sissy and I are missing you something bad right now. P has been crying for you and she has been holding on tight to her book "Dancing on the Moon."

Please stay very close to your Big Sissy. I know that she needs you right now. She needs to know that you miss her just as much. Send her some of Heavenly Kisses and Angel Hugs.

I love you and miss you more than anyone may know.

Mommy

(P.S.: the pictures were taken just a few minutes ago. I was missing you, so seeing this rainbow lifted my spirits a little bit.)

I WAS READING

Cylas on Saturday you will be 22 months old. And as always I am wondering what you would have been like. I read on BBC that this is the age when fears start to develop whether it be monsters or people. I would have loved to be able to tell you that everything would be ok and that there is nothing to be afraid of. I would have loved to pick you up and hold you in my arms each time you got scared. I would have loved to kiss your cheek and tell you over and over that I love you more than you will ever know. But I am not going to get that chance am I? 22 months is a cute age. You would have been talking, speaking funny phrases, & doing all the stuff that boys do. It's hard to think about living the rest of my life without you. I've made it this far but it has not been easy.

Next Saturday will be Halloween and your Big Sissy said you would have been a dinosaur (her pick not mine.) So while I'm taking T and P trick or treating I will be thinking of you and how cute you would have been in your costume. I will miss chasing you around and trying to make you hold my hand. But I know that it would have been fun, regardless.

Miss you!!!!

Mama