CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: July 2012

July 23, 2012

SO MUCH GOING ON

Cylas there is so much happening around here. I'm glad that you are in heaven to watch over us. Nana is sick and I don't think she will get any better. Her Alzheimer's is progressing and right now she is just so weak. We are having to keep a close eye on her. Right now all we can do is pray!! Please watch over your nana. She loved holding you and loving on you while you were here and I am pretty sure she would love to feel you around her. Pops is heartbroken. He realizes that she's not going to be the "old" Nana or wife that he once knew. It's going to be a different scenario all too soon. We are not ready to see or lose her. She's been so strong and driven for so long. It's so hard to see her in this condition. Right now she still moves around we just have to watch her and make sure she doesn't fall and she still tries to cook but even that is becoming more hazordous. Your Uncle Junebug is having a hard time dealing with this news. I think we all are. We all just show it differently. I tend to run from my feelings until I can't run no more. And I let it stress me out which right now is not good for me. Your Big sissy is trying to understand what's going on with her Nana and it's so hard to explain things to her. I don't want her to be hurt either. I would much rather her enjoy this time with Nana and have that memory to fall back on. T is too young to understand. She still Nana can move the heaven and earth when she yells at her, LOL!! They are gonna have to watch the changes in their Nana and I'm going to have to find the right words to explain to them. And I know I can do it. I did it before after you passed away. I had to look into Miss Priss' eyes and break her heart by telling her you weren't coming home. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I found the words that time and I know that God will help me explain things to them again.

Then there's me!! I've been having chest pains for a few months and I've been trying to find out what's causing it. I seen a Cardiologist and he doesn't think it's my heart but that doesn't explain the pain I've been feeling. I just want it to go away. I've got to call and set up an appointment to get a heart catheterization done on August 13th. The Dr said that this would answer all my questions and hopefully put my mind at ease. There's alot of things I need to plan for. With Nana being so sick I don't have anyone I trust to watch your sisters. I'm kind of in a bind. That alone makes me want to cancel this whole procedure. But I know that I've got to find out or it will drive me crazy. I will figure out the details and I just hope and pray that I don't have any blockages and it's a one day procedure. I'm scared and I worry about the girls. I'm all they have. I'm the one person that they know they can depend on. I've got my church family praying for me and I've been doing some praying. I believe that prayers are answered and I believe in the power of prayers. I've got an appointment with the Oncologist Wednesday to find out if I have cancer (which the doctor is pretty sure I don't.) And that's a little scary!!! So much is going on. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I feel pretty much like I did after you got so sick and it looked hopeless for you. All I wanted to do was trade places with you. I wanted to take away your pain. I'm feeling helpless right now. I hate the unknown!!! I've been there before with you and I definitely didn't want to ever revisit that feeling again. Please watch over me as well. You are my special guardian angel and I love you very much. Watch over your sisters during this time. Comfort their hearts.

I just want to make sure I am here for your sisters. I long to reunite with you but I know that you are fine. You are in Heaven. You have no worries, no sickness, or no pain. I don't want to leave your precious sisters without a mommy. Being a mommy is the greatest thing that this life has to offer. So Please Cylas I ask that you watch over your family!!! Send us some comfort and peace!!!

Love you Little man!!!!!

July 13, 2012

A LITTLE HECTIC

As I am writing this I find that my life has gotten a little hectic. I'm having some health issues and it's a little scary and aggravating. Apparently my white blood count has been high since I had you and the doctors here in Cherokee are just now sending out to see why? I was afraid it was cancer, because as you can see, I read too much. The doctor I seen said he doesn't think it's cancer but he did run some tests and I go back to see him on the 25th. I've also been having chest pains. I've had two EKG's done, One doctor's visit at Cherokee, I had a stress test done on Monday, July 9th and found out today that the EKO came back abnormal. I've had one doctor appointment after another. It seems as though they are non stop here lately. But I want to find out what's going on with me. I don't have time to fall apart. I don't have anyone to help raise your sisters, it's just me. And they need me. I want to make sure that I am here for them. So I go see a cardiologist next Thursday so we shall see. I also have to go see a dermatologist but that's not until August.

T has to go see a doctor in Asheville about her arm. Her doctor thinks it's healing well but he said he would feel better if she was seen over there. Miss Priss is the only one holding up, LOL. She's enjoying her summer and dreads the start of a new school year. She'll be in the third grade. We took your turtle to you yesterday. She picked a spot out for it on your grave and took pictures with her tablet. They sure do miss you. T talks about you being in heaven and that you are her big brother. And Miss Priss still sleeps with Stripes the tiger you "left" her. And she won't share that thing with T for nothing. I'm so happy they love you the way they do. You are one lucky little boy. You've got a ton of come flying to you every night!!!!

I keep moving forward and I try not to think about the stuff going on in my life. But sometimes it's hard. I can feel the worry and grief building up on my shoulders. And it's not a good feeling. Cylas, please watch over me and keep me safe. You are my guardian angel and I love you!!!

Mommy

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IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.