CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: November 2010

November 24, 2010

35 MONTHS OLD TODAY

I didn't want to forget to post something today. Cylas today you are one month closer to turning 3 and it's so hard to believe!!! You may have only been in my life for a short time but you have forever left a huge void in my life. I am trying to be happy and positive and enjoy the upcoming holidays but I find it so hard. This month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I've had days where I felt like I could crawl under a rock and hide for the next month or so and then there are days when everything is alright and I feel like I can make it. I let your sister pick out some things for your grave last week and I hope to make it to see you soon.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I hate to say it but it's hard to be thankful when what you wish for the most is no longer here. I would give anything to get you back. I would love to be chasing around three little monkeys!! Being a mom has been the best thing to happen to me. I love being a mom and I have been blessed with three little lives. You were only 3 weeks old when you died but I did my very best to make sure you knew you were loved and wanted. I regret everyday that I wasn't able to keep you from getting sick. Deep down I still blame myself but it's not as much as I used to. I have learned that I can't be superMOM and that babies get sick, but it's still so hard to believe that your gone.

Everyone around me is talking about decorating and buying Christmas gifts and I make a face and stick my tongue out. I am so not in the mood to do any of that. I know that I have your sisters to decorate for but Prairie has gotten use to seeing her mom unenthused by all the drama of Christmas. Teela is just now starting to notice whats going on. And I must admit she's cute when she gets excited over seeing lit up trees and all the Christmas inflatables that people have in their yards. So I know that she gets to see that stuff I don't necessarily have to run out and buy it. She says Can Cause for Santa Claus and Christmas Mees for Christmas Trees!!

But to sum it all up: I MISS YOU. I WANT YOU HERE TO BE A PART OF ALL THE FUN. I WANT MY LITTLE MAN BACK. I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE LIGHT UP AND I WANT TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON WITH ALL THREE OF MY BABIES NOT JUST TWO!!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WILL PLAY OUT THIS YEAR. IT SEEMS LIKE EACH YEAR I FEEL DIFFERENT ABOUT THE SITUATION.

Prairie and I have decided that we will send you a ton of ballons for your birthday, we'll buy you some new flowers & toys for your grave, and even have a birthday cake on your birthday. I want to do this and I want to make sure you know that we still love you and think about you often. I still need to find a special ornament for you this year. I just haven't had a chance to look. I have alot to get done. I just don't feel like doing it.

HAPPY 35 MONTHS IN HEAVEN CYLAS MYCHAL!!! YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED EVERYDAY!!!!

MOMMY

November 15, 2010

34 MONTHS

My sweet little Cylas, you have been gone for 34 months today. I would like to say that it has gotten easier but it has not. Yesterday your sister asked me to read "Dancing on the Moon" and I broke down as I was reading it. It is still so hard for me to make it through that book. But she loves it because it reminds her that you never far away and that you are always in her heart.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you today and always will! I love you baby boy!!!

Mom

November 9, 2010

YOUR BRICK

Cylas I purchased a brick that is on display now at your sister's school. I just wanted to show you what it looks like.

November 8, 2010

SOME THOUGHTS

Cylas you have been weighing heavy on my mind. With all of these "family" holidays coming up how can I not!! As I live my life here on earth and I have your sisters here with me I smile but it's a smile that I have to force. I can't ever smile and know that's it's for REAL! Last night I was thinking about your funeral and how robotic my movements and emotions seemed to be. I was so frozen and only moved when I was told to move. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't frozen. I often thought about asking people to clear the church and leave me alone with you, just you and me, without everyone's eye's watching me like a hawk! I think that if I had that chance I would have taken you and ran for it. We would have hidden somewhere and I would have held you in my arms as long as I wanted, with no interuptions, no time limit. I mean I would have relinguished my hold on you but I just feel like I didn't have enough time. I would have done everything in my power to press the pause button and just spend time with you. I wasn't ready to let you go and I wasn't ready to watch them throw dirt on you. I wasn't ready to leave you alone in the cold and darkness of death! I wanted my little baby back. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I was hoping someone would pinch me and everything would have been just been one big, bad dream! But we're closing in on 3 years and I'm still living in this nightmare. I'm still reading about other parents who have lost their children. Will this ever end? How much pain must be endured before it stops?

Cylas mommy is missing you! I have a big huge hole in my heart that should be filled with your love and it's not. Please watch over me and your sisters. The holidays never get any easier but I keep moving forward and I keep looking ahead.

I love you Cylas very much!!!!!

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IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.