HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY!!!

Cylas' birthday isn't officially until tomorrow, but it's a holiday here at work and I won't have computer access until January 4, 2010.

I can't believe my little boy is going to be 2 years old. It's not fair that I have to celebrate this special day without him. I have tons of memories and I have tons of heartache. I continue to wish Cylas could come back and be here with me and his sisters. They would be so fun together.

Tomorrow I will send him lots of balloons and we'll have a cake. I have his birthday/Christmas presents but I don't know if I can make it to his gravesite. The snow has really messed up my plans, UGH!! He also has a new Christmas ornament but unfortunately I won't be able to use it this year. My dad has refused to put up a tree because he's afraid Teela will knock it down.

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA!!!!!  Your momma, sisters, Nan & Pop, and Uncle love you with all our hearts. We miss you tremendously. You were a wonderful baby and miss holding you in my arms. I wish I could hear you talk and laugh. I wish that I could look into those beautiful eyes just one more time. I wish that ...................................you could be here.

I love you baby!!!!!

Mommy

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TEELA!!

Today is Teela's first birthday. Her birthday party will not be until Saturday so not a whole lot of planning going on today. As many of you know, Teela came into my life a year after Cylas was born and died and I wasn't sure if I could be the mother she needed me to be. I was so very afraid of making Cylas feel bad or forgetting him. But I slowly opened up my heart again and Teela has made this road of loss alot easier, not completely better because I was able to see what I've missed out on during the first year of Cylas' life.

I know there will always be those what if's and tons of regrets, but I continue living my life day by day. I know that my precious Cylas is watching over his family and I'll forever carry him in my heart and soul. I will love him forever and always. I will also do what I have to to remember him always.

Cylas, please visit your little sister on her birthday. She is loved and well taken care of, I am grateful you made it possible for me to have my rainbow after the storm.

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TEELA!!!
Mommy, Prairie, and Cylas love you very much

MY APOLOGIES

I know I was doing really good posting pictures of my house. WELL................ for last couple of weeks I have not been able to make it to my house. The road is just awful and now with the snow storm we had this past weekend it's probably even WORSE. I've taken pictures of the inside but I used my "regular" camera and not my cell phone, sooooooooo I haven't quite had time to download those yet. I am pleased with the inside of my house. It's big enough for me and the girls. The sales person told me at the beginning of the month he wanted me in it by Christmas but that's not going to happen. I don't have power, the power company needs to clear about 40 feet of trees in order to get my lines up and I don't have a full working septic system yet. I'm thinking we won't move in until February 2010 and even that is a STRETCH.

Now, I am trying to save up money for my furniture. I will have some but I know that it will not be enough. I need to buy a new bed (King size) for me, a dining room set, a living room set, a new TV (or maybe two). I've already saved money for my house payments, about 4 or 5 months worth, so that's covered. I'll probably have to have a few fund raisers or something.

As you can see from ABOVE I received the girls' Christmas pictures. They turned out GREAT. I came to work this morning and immediately started working on a slide show. I hope everyone enjoys the pictures. The girls did a great job. But of course someone was missing. Cylas never had his picture taken professionally except for the picture they take at the hospital. When he was born I didn't plan on getting his first picture taken until I went to get Prairie's 4th birthday pictures done. But he never made it to that point. That is one, along with many, regret(s) that I have. Not having enough pictures of my cute, handsome Cylas. If I only knew, you know.

Cylas' birthday is 2 days away...............................  :(

IT'S GOING TO BE A HARD WEEK

I've been doing good so far this month. But then last night I totally broke down in front of the kiddos. I was holding T and just holding her so tight. P was asking what was wrong, then she knew that I was missing you. I've been trying so hard to be strong and keep a smiling, happy face. But I haven't been able to quit thinking about you all weekend. Maybe it was the snow and being stuck at home that made me think about you so much. Your 2nd birthday is 3 days away and I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I was really hoping it wouldn't snow so I could visit your grave and leave your toys. But SNOW always ruins my plans. I also probably won't be able to release balloons at your grave either. I will send them though. I just need to go buy some.

Cylas, please visit me. Let me know that you are around. I miss you so very much. It's so hard celebrating Christmas without you. There's this big hole. Someone is missing and that someone is never coming back. You would think I would be past this stage by now, but I'm not. It seems like it starts over with each year and each holiday that passes.

I LOVE YOU, forever and always.
Mommy

SNOW

On Friday, December 18th we had our first major snow storm. It came really fast and kept us at home most of the weekend. Here are some pictures.

A BIRTHDAY & 23 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

**NOTE: this was published in our weekly paper it didn't look this way, but I am trying to add spaces. I hate it when my paragraphs are thisclose together.

>

In Loving Memory

>

of

>
Cylas Mychal Toineeta

>

December 24, 2007 - January 15, 2008

>

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY!

>

There's a special angel in Heaven, That is a part of me.

>

It is not where I wanted HIM, but where God wanted HIM to be.

>

HE was here just a moment, like a night time shooting star.

>

And although HE is in Heaven, HE isn't very far.

>

HE touched the hearts of many, like only an angel can do.

>

I would've held HIM every minute, if the end I only knew.

>

So I send this special message, to Heaven up above.

>

Please take care of my angel, and send HIM all my love.

>

~~Author Unknown~~

>

Loved and Missed by:

Mommy, Iwodi, Nan, Pop & Kawaya

>

I try to put something in the paper for all the special dates. This one is for his birthday which is next week and then in January I'll probably do something for his 2nd Angelvarsary. But I would rather be putting "Happy Birthday" instead of "In Loving Memory". I hate that this what I have to do. I love having my own personal guardian angel but it doesn't take the place of having him here alive and in my arms.

>

In my title I mentioned a birthday; well today is my mom's birthday. I won't say how many year's "young" she is, but it's so hard knowing that Cylas 23 month Angelvarsary is on the same day. Even though I don't always tell my mom I love her, I do. She's the best mom in the world. She might be a clingy mom but honestly I woudn't have it any other way. She's a pit bull when it comes to me, my brother, and her grand kids. She's so funny!!

>

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM (NANA)!

>

So, Cylas has I prepare for next week I find my self being emotionless. I don't want to cry, I'm not angry, & I'm not very talkative. A part of me is dreading your 2nd birthday. Mainly because I also have to plan a small 1st birthday party for Teela, too! I know that I don't have to but my family will expect something to take place for her. Last year I didn't tell anyone about your small party mainy because I didn't know how to approach it. And I'm not sure what I really want to do for either of you. I'm LOST!

>

Please be close to your Nan today. I'm sure she would love a visit from her grandson.

>

I love you always and forever,

MOM

NEW "CYLAS" ITEM

Over the weekend, I got a new CYLAS item. It's his name carved from wood. I love it!!

WEEKEND CATCH UP

Over the weekend we took off to Pigeon Forge. That's our get away spot, and one that I would like to change in the future. It would be nice to go somewhere else for a change, but there are times that it's just easy to climb in the car and go over the mountain and be at the destination in an hour. We stayed the whole time and even had to do some shopping in the snow. We went to the Dixie Stampede on Friday and shopping on Saturday & Sunday.

I had fun all weekend. Your sisters enjoyed themselves. I got P's picture take with Santa Clause and it was a bittersweet moment for me. While she was on his lap smiling her beautiful smile, it hit me. I am NEVER going to see you on Santa's lap. I'm NEVER going to see you possibly pull his beard or cry because your scared of him. I felt the tears flow down my cheeks and realized where I was. I knew that I couldn't break down right there in the mall. So I had to pull myself together and tell P how pretty her picture was. I don't think she knew what I was thinking and she didn't ask when she saw what was left of the tears I started to cry. T didn't get her picture made with Santa because her hair was a mess and I was afraid she might cry on him. I'll try her a little later.

Christmas is usually a time for Family pictures and even though I have plans to get the girl's pictures made on Friday, I can't help but think about you and how your not here to be in our family pictures. But I would like to find a way to include you some how. One of my friends and Jack's mommy mentioned something about a white angel bear and your name written out to include in each family picture. Well I like the idea but I don't have an angel bear. But I do have your name carved from wood. I just got it made on Sunday and I love it. SO I might be able to figure something out. I also think it would be cool if I could find someone to age your picture with each birthday that passes. But I've heard and read that it could be hard since you were so young in the pictures that I have of you. If only????

I still need to go shopping for you. You need some Christmas decorations and some flowers. I also want to buy you some new toys. Every boy needs some trucks and bulldozers. Maybe I'll have time to do that this weekend. It would just be easier if you were here. But I know that you must have an awesome Birthday and Christmas in Heaven, it could never compare to what you would have here (but I try).

Love,

Mommy

DONATION

I wasn't going to make my donation so soon, but I donated to Toys for Tots in memory of YOU. I wanted to wait until your birthday was closer but I may not have computer access at that time. I only hope that my donation will make a child(ren) happy at Christmas time.

IT'S DECEMBER

Today is the first day of December, where has the time gone? I wish we had all the time in the world, but it doesn't stop for anything. It didn't stop when you died, and it sure as HELL doesn't stop when you feel like your world is falling apart. And I have to say I feel that way more than I should. But I manage to hold it all together for the sake of my girls. They don't need to see Mommy completely breaking down. I try to hold it all in because I don't have much time to myself, but when I do I take advantage of it.

On December 15th your 23rd month Angelvarsary will be here. And then on December 24th you'll be two years old. Last year those days were hard and I'm not sure if this time around is going to be harder or not. Everyone gets hit on a different level for different things, so I think I'm still waiting for something to happen. I know that I diffinitely miss having a two year around to chase from here to there. There are a ton of things I miss but it's a really long list and it's probably a list I've mentioned over and over. But it's the truth. You never quite get over anything and you don't ever get over missing something important that should be happening.

I've been dreading December all year long mainly because I never know how to act. Should I be the GRINCH or should I have a smiling face because of the girls. Who knows? And as much as I hate December I can't stand January. It seems like someone in my life always passes away in January. It really sucks. If I knew I could get away with it I would sleep on through to February. I can feel my chest getting heavy and I feel that huge lump in the back of my throat. All I know to do is take a deep breathe and keep moving. I have pictures of you on my desk and I look at them all day and wish. Often fighting back the flood of tears I know want to escape from my eyes. No one ever said being the mom of a angel is easy and I will tell anyone that it's not. It's not fun. You have to live the rest of your life missing, loving, wondering, wishing, & wanting what you lost back and it never happens. The hole that is left in your heart gets filled only to be emptied again on the next birthday or angelvarsary.

Cylas, Mommy is missing you so much. Dreading the weeks ahead but trying to hold my head up high.