MY THANKSGIVING IN HEAVEN

Mom,

My Thanksgiving in Heaven was great. All my angel friends and I had fun flying around watching our families have a good day. We seen some pretty funny things happen and there were also some sad moments we observed. We realized that even after all this time we are STILL missed so much. It just so happened that my favorite cloud floated over Nan and Pop's house for most of the day. I heard Nana say she missed me. I also heard my big sister tell you she missed me and wished that I could be there. You know there aren't supposed to be tears in heaven but Mom I miss you too!! I don't know how you manage to make it through your day. I see your pain and every part of me wants to fly right into your arms. But Heaven is so much better than earth and I am so torn. But I am always looking in to see what's going on. I want to make sure everyone is doing alright. There are times I love what I see and then there are times I wish I didn't take a look.

Mom, I know that you miss me. But I want you to know that I am fine. I love being here in Heaven. I have so many new angel friends and new ones arrive almost daily. I spend my time taking flying lessons, I do pretty good, but I'm not an expert yet. I also help those new angels navigate through Heaven's golden streets. I help them find the cloud that over looks their family. It can be an easy transition, but there are times it's harder for them to understand why they were taken so early.

With each thought you have of me, it finds its way up to me and I can feel the love you have for me in your heart. And I know that you will never forget me. I know you spend your time worrying about doing enough to make sure no one else forgets me too. Thanks mom!! I think my friends are planning a huge 2nd birthday party for me but they are keeping it on the down low, or at least they think they are. I'll be around watching you, Teela, and Prairie!! Sending my love from up above. Please tell Prairie that I love and miss her too! Teela is such a special addition to the family. Mom, please don't hold back your love for her. There is enough room in your heart for all of us.

Mom, I love you!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

To my readers & Cylas: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I wanted to take this time to send out thanksgiving wishes. I hope that you and your families have a wonderful & safe Thanksgiving.

Cylas, have a great Thanksgiving in Heaven. Wish that you could be here, but I know that you are watching over each of us from your favorite fluffy cloud. Sending you my love!!!!!!

WHAT I'M THANKFUL FOR

I am thankful for my girls. For Prairie, without her, I probably would have fallen into the deep dark Pit after Cylas died. She kept me from falling. For Teela, she taught me that I can love another baby and still love the precious little boy I lost. She showed me how to open my heart again.

I am thankful for my family. They are great. I've never had any of them tell me to "get over it". They "try" to understand what I've gone through, even though I know they never will. But they don't try to change me.

I am thankful for the time I had with Cylas. Even though somtimes my selfishness takes over. I am very thankful I was able to hold him in my arms, run my fingers through that thick black hair, look into those dreamy eyes, and most importantly tell him how much I LOVED him. Cylas I will love you the rest of my life.

I am thankful to God. I know that he and I have had a love/hate relationship since losing Cylas. I've asked WHY numerous times. But I am trying to work on that relationship.

**I would love to hear what everyone else is thankful for.**


Cylas' Mommy

23 MONTHS OLD

Cylas, today you are another month older. What else can I say? Aside from the usual I miss you and love you with all my heart. It's getting harder to concentrate on day to day activities. All I can think about is the fact that you'll be two years old next month. I'm already beginning to wonder if I'll do enough to celebrate such a big day. I've continually wished for you to come back, I wonder if I'll ever stop? Maybe, who knows.

But I do love and miss you.

HAPPY 23 MONTHS, CYLAS!!!

CYLAS' ANGEL FRIEND

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY

NORAH!!

3 MORE PICS

These will probably be the last pics until they do more, like add a porch. I've got two more views of my house and one picture of where my well will be. They didn't work on it yesterday, but I'll be checking for more progress.

MORE PICS OF "MY" HOUSE

Man, that sounds good!! MY HOUSE!!! I've waited so long and it seems like in a flash it's here. It took 5 years but I am so relieved to finally have it here. SORRY there's not a better view of the whole house. It's pretty muddy up there and I'm not very big on getting muddy and all. And it looks like it's going to be raining the rest of this week, UGH!! But I drive up there everyday, you know, I don't want it to disappear or anything, HA!!

***Debbie: yes, I will post pictures of the inside as soon as I am able to go inside. I can't wait to see the inside either ;)***

Sarah T.

22 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

Yesterday was 22 months since I said goodbye to you. I've been doing really good and haven't been on the edge of the PIT for months, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in my usual BLAH mood but nothing severe. I'm dreading the next two months and I am praying I make it through.

I was able to visit your grave and I think I cried more than I talked. I hugged your headstone and just cried. I feel so bad. Your grave doesn't have any flowers on it. I've haven't any extra money to buy more since I cleaned it off two months ago. I told your sister we would try and buy something this weekend.

I love you more and more with each day that passes. And I miss you more and more with each minute that goes by.

Mommy

SURPRISE, SURPRISE

Right after I came off the mountain from taking pictures of the first half of my house, the other half was coming up the main road. So, I was able to get pics of them actually moving the house in. I was feeling kind of bad, because I missed everything earlier in the day but being able to watch the process was fun and exciting. Here are the pics of that.

According to my parents, they had a really rough time getting the first half up that road. But I think they did it alot faster yesterday evening. I guess because they had already did once that day anyway. I don't know when the house will be put on the foundation, I'll be on the look out for the crane.

IT'S HERE........

****Here are the pictures as promised. The top picture is a pic of the MESS! But who cares about the mess I am so happy its here, well at least half of it. HA!!****

I got a call from my mom and she said "half" of your house is sitting in the road right now!!! I am so excited!!!!! I am going to try and get pictures right after work. Oh Cylas, please help the movers have a safe day. Help them easily get our house up on that mountain.

SELFISHNESS

Boy, has that happened alot since T entered into our lives. First, it was my heart. I was so afraid to open it up to her but then I realized she needed me and that she deserved as much love as I could possibly give her. Then, it was your bottle. I saved one bottle that you used and I had every intention on keeping it put up. But then T came and she only had one bottle that I was having to re-wash. Poor thing she needed it and even though I felt immensely guilty for it, I let her use "your" bottle. And last night, as I was putting her into her crib, your blanket (we call it "Cylas blanket) was in her crib. I've always tried to only use her blankets in her crib. Without thinking, I put your blanket on her, and then broke down into tears. I kept thinking about how I should have been allowed to use it on you. And how unfair it was that she is the one using it. That was a selfish thought and I felt so bad afterward.

T is a part of our life now and I do love her, but with all that love, I am missing you more and more. I keep thinking about how you would have been if you were here. I have a feeling that you might have been as mean as a striped snake. You probably would be torturing your Big Sis. Please tell God to forgive me for my selfishness and let him know that I am THANKFULL for all that I have. I love P, T and You. I am thankful for the time I spent with you. But I am human and I think I am allowed to wonder what might have been.

I hope that T will forgive me for being that way. And I hope you can forgive me. I am learning to love here and far away and it hasn't been easy.

HOUSE UPDATE

Well my house still hasn't made it. And the waiting is killing me. I WANT MY HOUSE! However, on another note the tribal construction well crew is up there right now drilling my well site out. If I can I'll get pictures and post them tomorrow.

Cylas' Mom

(I posted two pics. Sorry it took so long. I didn't get a close up because it's really muddy up there on my land site.)

TOYS FOR TOTS

So, I am looking for ways to honor you this year. This is something I want to do until I die and I hope that your sisters continue once I'm gone. Last year I bought a gift and donated it to a local child here on reservation. This year I want to do something different. I want to donate to Toys for Tots and of course put it in honor of you, Cylas. I was looking at this link http://asheville-nc.toysfortots.org/local-coordinator-sites/lco-sites/default.asp and they make it easy to donate. So on top of having a small birthday party, a little child will receive a gift from our family on Christmas day. I can honestly say that the thought of a child getting a gift, that on a normal basis he/she wouldn't received, makes me smile.

However, I am not done. I am still looking for something else to do. As always I'm still looking and thinking about what to do for you on your 2nd Birthday. I want to make each birthday the best. Am I thinking too hard? I know that no party can compare to a birthday in heaven, but I'm a mom and I only want the best for you.

Love,

Mommy

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY

REESE JACLYN GOSLEE

"REESIE CUP"

Her birthday is not officially until Sunday, November 8th, but I am away from my "work" computer until Monday.

A WHOLE BUNCH OF NOTHING

I don't have a lot to write about. It's been pretty BLAH this week. However, I did hear that our cousin's cancer has spread into his brain and he has chosen not to do the radiation or chemo. It's hard hearing that kind of news but I try to stay positive until the very end. I've always been that way. I used to think of myself as a cry baby when it came to bad news but now I'm not so sure.

I'm not in the PIT so to say, I'm just without words, if you can believe that's possible!!!!! Sister and I have been talking to you and about you a lot lately. Cylas star is the first star out at night and each time we've looked up at it, a plane is flying by. So we think you are so lucky because you get to see that plane up close and personal. Sister also wishes that she could fly to the moon and talk to you just like the little girl in "Dancing on the Moon." She has taken that book to school and shared with her "English" class, actually she's been taking it every where.

I guess it's just that time again. Pretty soon the anxiety will be building and I won't be able to stand it. But I'm going to try to do a little better this year. T's birthday is a day before yours so I've got to do something for her's, but I'm still not sure what to do for your's. I plan on getting a cake again, and buying you some toys, and letting some balloons go (not sure if I'll do it at the house or at your grave). But I always start wondering if that's enough. I also plan to buy a toy for a boy your age and donating it again. That was something that Sister and I both worked on last year and it really seemed to help her.

And of course I am counting down the days to the release of NEW MOON!!!! November 20th can't come fast enough!!!!

I guess that's about it. I know that I'm rambling so I might as well quit while I'm ahead.

Love you so much,

Mom

LOOK AT BABY SISTER

Cylas,

Here is your Baby Sis in her Halloween Costume.

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY

JACK JOSEPH LEE!!!!

HALLOWEEN & RAIN

Sorry the pictures look this way. They were taken with my cell phone and I don't know what's wrong with it.

Unfortunately, it rained here Halloween. Your big Sister was able to go trick or treating with her dad but I didn't take the baby. She's just now getting over a cold and ear infections and I didn't want to take a chance. So I am very disappointed that she didn't get to go, but I guess it will be alright. I am also very disappointed in myself this time around. I usually decorate your grave for each occasion that comes around and I didn't get a chance to do it this time. It was either raining, or I didn't have any extra cash to spend. So you didn't get any Halloween decorations and I'm so sorry for that. My heart just aches when I can't do something special for you. But you were not forgotten!!! You were in my thoughts throughout this whole weekend. I closed my eyes and pictured you running around in your dinosaur costume, growling and chasing your big Sissy around. I get sad because I have to do that. It would be so much easier if you were here!!!

I have two pictures to post of your Big Sissy, but I haven't had a chance to put T in her caterpillar costume and get some pics but I will. Also, you have an angel friend who has a birthday coming up, it's actually tomorrow. It's Jack!! Please tell Jack that your mommy said "Happy Birthday!" Also, tell him to go by and visit his mommy, daddy and baby brother Marshal. They miss him so much!!!

One special occasion down, 5 other occasions to go. UUUGGGGHHHH!!!!

Love,

Mommy