CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: August 2009

August 27, 2009

SAD NEWS

Last night I heard some very bad news!!! About two weeks ago I told you about Scott. He's from Oklahoma, but he used to live out here for a awhile. It has broken my heart to hear that Scott lost his baby brother Jon. They found him dead yesterday morning. They don't know what happened to him. I knew Jon too!!! He was a great guy and I am shocked by this news. I've tried to contact Scott through email to let him know that I am thinking about him and his family but I haven't heard from him. I have his phone number, but I don't know what to say at a time like this. It's never easy to say the right words when someone has lost a loved one. Sometimes you end up sounding like a complete idiot!!

Please say a prayer for Scott and his family. Jon leaves behind two beautiful children and his wife.

FOR LUCY

Today Olive Lucy celebrates her 2nd Heavenly Birthday!!! Please remember her and say a prayer for her Mom, Dad, and Lil' Brother.

August 26, 2009

NEW HEADSTONE........IT'S HERE

I really like it. I am satisfied with how it turned out. I will no longer complain about your headstone. I wanted something more personalized and I wanted it to be from ME & YOUR SISTER. I wanted you to have something you could be proud of. But I really wish it could have been a new TOY!!

I love you son!!! And ENJOY!!!!!

Mom

August 24, 2009

20 MONTHS OLD/HEADSTONE

Today you are 20 months old. What else can be said? My life has kept moving forward and yours has stopped. I miss you so much..........................

Also, your new headstone will be coming in today. I designed it but I haven't seen it. Our cousin said it's beautiful. I hope that you like it. I wanted to get something that you would be proud of.

August 17, 2009

19 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

Saturday was your 19 month angelvarsary!!! It was bittersweet. I thought about you most of the day. Crying only when I was alone or when T was taking a nap. I hope you don't feel like I've replaced you already. T is a blessing in disguise, but she doesn't feel that empty spot in my heart. I think that will forever belong to you. The day you died is still fresh in my memory, it still hurts so very much.

I can't believe I've made it 19 months without you. When you died I honestly thought it couldn't be possible. But I've learned to live from day to day, sometimes minute to minute. And I live for your sisters. I know that they need their momma and I know that I need them. I totally understand why your uncle kept telling me "not to lose control". At the time I just wanted to punch his lights out. But now I understand. Your big sister has had the hardest time and even though it hurts to talk about what happened to you, I don't hold anything back when she asks about what happened to you. She needs to know and it helps us both with the healing process. I know that if I did lose it, I wouldn't be the mother that she needed at that time or today. She's been missing you, so please stay close to her, always!!!!

Missing you always, Loving you Forever!!!

Mom

August 6, 2009

NEW PICTURES

I want to share some new photos of your sisters. Your Big Sister just graduated and is getting ready for Big School. And Teela, well, she's getting big.

Missing you Always! Loving you Forever!!

Mom

August 3, 2009

OLD FRIENDS

When I went to church (I've been going, and I am trying to find my way again) yesterday, I got the surprise of my life!!!! My old teacher and friend came in from Oklahoma for a short visit. He was a part of my life for a long time and I really enjoyed the friendship that we had. He's been gone for about 8 to 9 years and it was really great to see him!! He didn't know anything about my life since he left and we're both very bad pen pals. When he was here his girls Danielle, Kylee, and Jaime were still in grade school, and now both Danielle and Kylee have graduated High School. Danielle has received a two year degree and plans on working this year and then returning to school next year. Kylee is going into pre-med at North Eastern in Teliquah (sp??), OK and then she plans on transferring to the University of Tenn. Jaime will be a freshman this year and she has gotten TALL!!! Scott and his wife Janice have not changed one bit. He still looks the same and I still feel as close to him as ever. He has invited me to visit him in Oklahoma, so now I have another reason to travel to Oklahoma. I love it out there, but don't like to drive out there!!!!

Scott was like a brother to me and he knew both me and my EX. So he was very surprised to hear that we had divorced and no longer talk. He was also very sad to hear that I had lost you. So I had to go through my story and tell him about you. And of course he agrees that you did look just like your "dad". I think you would have really liked him. He's a nice guy and a true friend. It was really nice to reconnect with him for the first time in a long time. It was just like he had never left. He keeps saying that he wants to move back, but I don't know when. I wish they never left.

So seeing Scott and his family was the highlight of my weekend. He's leaving tomorrow, but this time I have all of their email addresses and I do plan on keeping in touch. I didn't take any pictures so I can't post any, but it seems like I always do that.

Cylas, I love ya!!!!!

MOMMY

(**Note: Well Scott and his family left to go back to Oklahoma today!! We spent about an hour and half with them last night. We talked and watched your sissy play with his nephew Jon. I hate that they had to go back, but I hope to make it out there in December. It's definitely in the early stages of planning, but I think it would be a good trip. I don't know how it will work out with a 5 year old and a 1 year old, but it will also be good to get away from Cherokee for a little while. So now I have to save up my leave and not be lazy so much. Cylas, will you and God keep Scott and his family safe as they travel back home.)

IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.