CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA: May 2009

May 26, 2009

17 MONTHS OLD

On Sunday, May 24th you turned 17 months old. I've been having a hard time, but keeping it to myself. I don't tell anyone, because no one seems to understand. I love you and miss you very much. Always remember that.

HAPPY 17 MONTHS, Cylas!!!!!

Love,

MOM

May 20, 2009

CHECKING IN................

For some reason, I have nothing to say. My whole week has been BLAH!! I even had to make myself give this blog a face life. Cylas, I hope you like the monkeys. I am a monkey person. I've collected tons of monkeys, but don't know where they all are at the moment. So I thought monkeys would be a fun new look. ENJOY!

Everything is fine (well, it's as good as it's gonna be). Prairie and Teela are growing every moment of every day. I'm doing good aside from a few health issues. I was told that I was diabetic a few months ago, but I have been in denial, because that's the last thing I wanted. The medicine I'm currently on is not keeping my sugars down, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I will have to start some new meds in the next couple days. They said this was all brought on by stress, and I've had alot of that. In fact, enough to last me a life time!!!! But I also know that it's very important to take care of myself, if not for me then for my kids. I've also lost 10 pounds since September of 08, so I guess that's good. But I still need to lose 11 pounds to get back to where I was before I got preggo with you, and then I still need to lose MORE.

Cylas, I love you and miss you. I wish everyday that you didn't have to die. But I hope that you look in on us from time to time and that you know when we need you.

Mommy

May 15, 2009

ANGELVARSARY: 16 MONTHS

Cylas, mommy is missing you today and always. I can't believe it's been 16 months. I know that I have missed so much, but the list grows daily. Prairie has been talking about you lately. I know that she's always going to miss you too. I only hope that it gets easier for her as time passes. I am trying my best to help her with her pain. I remind her that you will always live on in heart, but I know that one day those words might not work. Continue to watch over her and Teela. Teela is new in our life, but I will tell her about her big brother. I won't let anyone forget you.

I love you, Cylas Mychal Toineeta!

Mommy

May 8, 2009

MOTHER'S DAY....PART2

I've spent this week not focusing on Mother's day. It's just another day. But don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my daughter and for Teela. I love being Prairie's mother and I like being a "stand-in" Mom for Teela. But I also feel so much saddness. And I only speak the truth when I say I am a BROKEN mother. It's because I am. My heart is still broken. My life is torn apart. When Cylas died a part of me died with him. I think about all the stuff I'll never see him do or say. I think about what he should be doing right now in this moment and time.

The other night I was praying, thanking God for the mercies he's had on me. Thanking him for Prairie and Teela. Asking God to keep them safe and asking him to help me be the best mother I can be. I was thanking him for my day.................and then the thought crossed my mind, I haven't even begun to thank him for MY time with CYLAS. All I've done is ask WHY? So right then and there, I did tell him "thank you" for my son. Thank you for letting me hold him in my arms. Thank you for allowing me to love him now and forever. Thank you for letting him stay for 3 weeks. Thank you for bringing him into my life. I also told God that I will probably never understand his reasoning for making my son an angel, but that I knew he was only doing the right thing at that time. I asked God to give Cylas a message from me. I told him to let Cylas know how much I loved him and missed him. I told him to ask Cylas to always stay close to his sisters and keep them safe. And I also told him to tell Cylas that there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish he was still here.

So, even though Mother's Day is just another day, I know that it's meant for special mom's, broken or whole. I know that dead baby mama's still fit into the category, I just haven't quite figured out where? To the world our babies are gone and we should get over it, but the world doesn't know our pain!! We are angel mom's and we are strong. Our love has to travel from earth to heaven on a daily basis. It takes a special woman to be an angel mom. It's not always easy, but somehow through it all we manage to survive.

(HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! to whoever reads this post.)

Cylas' Mommy

May 4, 2009

MOTHER'S DAY

Is there still a "mother's day?" I was reading a post and it suddenly hit me that Mother's day is this coming Sunday. I haven't even been paying attention to the dates or the events. Since I lost my baby I don't feel like a mother, even though I still have Prairie and I've added Teela, I don't feel like a mother. I am incomplete!!! Does that sound crazy? I don't think so. I think it's totally fine for me to feel this way. I am a broken mother. I am missing a child. NO mother should feel this way about such a wonderful day. But I do and I don't know how to change my feelings.

My daughter tells me all the time, "mom, you are the best." If only I felt that way. I still have unresolved issues. I still have tons of BLAME in my heart. I am still HURTING. I still have thoughts of the WHAT IF'S. I often think about what I'm MISSING. I love being a mom to my daughter. She's the best daughter ever. But there is a part of ME missing and I am afraid it's gone forever.

(Cylas, mommy is missing you today. I love you with every ounce of my being.)

Cylas' Mom

IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.