INSENSITIVE & CRUEL

How can people be so insensitive and cruel? I've read about people who fake this or that and I'm continually amazed that it keeps happening. I was following two blogs about the same family. This family "claimed" to have lost their little girl to SIDS a month after she was born. My heart broke for this little girls parents and adopted siblings. Then I go on to find out that the mother is pregnant again and about 3  months into her pregnancy she's diagnosed with cancer.

Stupid and crazy me followed this story. I prayed for that family. I would check in on her when I noticed she hadn't posted anything in a while. I was even sharing her story with my family. Then her hubby informs the world that his wife has passed away leaving behind her child who is premature & born at 25 weeks. So of course that story is going to pull at your heart strings and the hurting started all over again. I felt so bad for her hubby knowing what a great responsibility he had on his shoulders.

BUT then I find out this whole story was a SCAM!! The pictures she had posted were someone else's and even the story was taken from another source, I think I read it right. For the life of me I'll never understand why people would pull such an awful stunt. To make some one else feel sorry for you, to have their hearts break because you are supposedly hurting, and to use dead baby mama's like that. Especially after we already have our OWN pain to deal with. It's a SICK, SICK thing to do. We go to online support systems to find someone who has experienced the same kind of loss and to share our pain with each other. To be there for each other and then to have someone come in and FAKE a loss is just...........beyond any words I really want to use.

I am very angry and just plain PISSED off!! This is wrong. WHY CAN'T THE CRAZY PEOPLE LEAVE US ALONE!! WE ARE HURTING ENOUGH AND DON'T NEED ANY FAKERS LURKING AROUND TO HAVE FUN WITH OUR EMOTIONS!!! YOU PEOPLE ARE TOTALLY MESSED UP AND NEED TO GET SERIOUS HELP. I DON'T NEED ANY FAKERS IN MY LIFE AND NEITHER DO ANY OF THE OTHER ANGEL MOMS!!!!!

HEAVEN'S SEASHELLS BY MISTY

Misty thank you for the seashell's. They are absolutely beautiful. I know that your Angel Jay is very happy his mommy is doing something for his angel friends.

MISSING YOU........

I'm missing you today.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS!

25 MONTHS OLD

On Sunday Cylas would have been 25 months old. It's hard to believe he's already that old.

WHAT I'M MISSING..................

• It would be during this time that Cylas would have entered into preschool.
• Potty training would have been another big obstacle to tackle with this little guy.
• I think by this time I would have already known if Cylas were a rightie or a leftie.
• And I can only imagine what kind of questions my little man might be asking. I've never had an outrageous questions come out of one of my babes mouth, but he was a little boy and I know that their minds are completely different from girls.
• I wonder if Cylas would have been a biter or if he would be willing to communicate well enough to not have to do that. (Technically, I am. Teela is already trying to bite.)
• I also think that Cylas would be very independant. I know that he would want to do anything and everything all by himself. (His big sis is just like that. She always was very independant.)

It seems that with each month he gets older I am missing more and more. Sometimes I can't stand to think about what I'm missing and then there are times that I can't wait to see what Cylas would have been doing if he were here. If only...........................................If only.

Cylas' Mom

BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Ok, so I wanted to get your "official" birth certificate. I wanted the pretty one that's certified. On your 2nd Angelvarsary I finally got brave enough to go get it, only to be totally disappointed. I was told that since your "DEAD" they couldn't give me a certified birth certificate. I had to settle for another copy of the one that is given to you in the hospital. But to my dismay the word "DECEASED" was written at the bottom. Now I know that it's a part of their job to keep track  of stuff like that, you know so no one can walk in and use your identity or anything, but seeing that word totally put a knife through my chest.

I had heard other angel baby mom's talking about seeing that word on their child's birth certificate and how they were so hoping it wouldn't be on it. I don't know why I thought yours would be any different. I mean I am two years into my loss and I am trying to "move" on, I guess. But something like that can totally throw you a curve ball. I wanted a "normal" birth certificate just like your sisters and Teela's. But I have to realize that my normal ended two ago when you died. I have to learn how to live with the unexpected and for most part, unwanted. I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to say goodbye, but I had to.

I am grateful for the time that I had with you, but I wanted so much more. And I still want MORE. But I want the impossible and sometimes the want just devastates me.

Missing you always,
Mommy

TWO YEAR ANGELVARSARY

Today marks 2 years since you left me. I love you more than ever and I miss you tremendously!!! Thinking about you today, CYLAS!

LOVE,

MOMMY

THINKING ABOUT YOU TODAY

Cylas,

Today you are on my mind. I miss you so much right now. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't close my eyes and wish for you to come back to me. In a few days your 2 year angelvarsary will be here and I'm feeling some anxiety. I feel like there is a 2,000 ton cement wall on my chest and that my body has been run over by a 18 wheeler. I'm holding up, you know, no tears yet, but I know they will come. I've been moody and unpredictable since Christmas. No one ever knows if I'm going to friendly or hateful.

I miss you and love you with ALL of my heart, Cylas!!!!!

NOT MUCH CHANGE

I made it up to my house the other day, thanks to the frozen ground. Here are a few pics, no inside pics yet, just the outside. The 1st pic is of my frozen road. It doens't look that bad but believe me if it wasn't frozen I wouldn't have been able to make it up there. They've finished both, the front and back, porches but I didn't get a picture of the back porch. They've finally put the panelling up on the sides of the house, now it looks more complete. I just wish it looked COMPLETE on the inside. Still waiting on the power company to come up and clear away some trees. I might be moved in by March but I think that's a stretch.

IT'S JANUARY

It seems like this month is going by so slow. I dread this month for so many reasons. On January 1st it was 17 years since my cousin died, on January 10th it was 9 years since my uncle died, on January 12th it will be 1 year since my cousin died, and the reason this blog was started, January 15th will be 2 years since I had to say goodbye to my precious Cylas. On January 20th it will be 17 years since my aunt's husband died, and then there's January 29th which will be 29 years since my grandmother died. I am continually waiting for that dreaded phone call. I am waiting to hear that someone else from my family has died. I hate living like this. I hate knowing that January is our death month, so to speak. January is suppose to be a time for new beginnings but yet I dread it so much.

And then right now I am having a difficult time with Cylas' big sister. She is so hyper right now it's about to drive me crazy. I don't want to put her on any meds but I might have to. She's been so "squirrelly" lately. I don't know what is going on with her. I don't know if she is ADHD or whatever. I've had people tell me that it may be how she's handling Cylas' death or it may be her way of acting out to get attention because of Teela. But I honestly don't know. And it's the not knowing that is killing me. I love all my kids and I know that something is wrong but I can't put my finger on it. I hate to be continually getting on to her for her behavior. It seems like that's all I do and I want to change that. I want to help her. It's breaking my heart and I feel like I am bad mother because I can't control her any better. I feel like I've failed.

I wish that January could fly by and be done and over with.

HAPPY NEW YEAR & UPDATE

I wanted to take some time to wish everyone a "late" Happy New Year!!

You will also notice that I've added another slide show (look ^). I had to use my cell phone to take all the pictures so the quality is not that great. We had a busy "Christmas" week. I had two birthdays to celebrate and try to make it through Christmas. The slide show documents what we did for Cylas. I hope you enjoy seeing the pictures.