BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Ok, so I wanted to get your "official" birth certificate. I wanted the pretty one that's certified. On your 2nd Angelvarsary I finally got brave enough to go get it, only to be totally disappointed. I was told that since your "DEAD" they couldn't give me a certified birth certificate. I had to settle for another copy of the one that is given to you in the hospital. But to my dismay the word "DECEASED" was written at the bottom. Now I know that it's a part of their job to keep track  of stuff like that, you know so no one can walk in and use your identity or anything, but seeing that word totally put a knife through my chest.

I had heard other angel baby mom's talking about seeing that word on their child's birth certificate and how they were so hoping it wouldn't be on it. I don't know why I thought yours would be any different. I mean I am two years into my loss and I am trying to "move" on, I guess. But something like that can totally throw you a curve ball. I wanted a "normal" birth certificate just like your sisters and Teela's. But I have to realize that my normal ended two ago when you died. I have to learn how to live with the unexpected and for most part, unwanted. I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to say goodbye, but I had to.

I am grateful for the time that I had with you, but I wanted so much more. And I still want MORE. But I want the impossible and sometimes the want just devastates me.

Missing you always,
Mommy