IT'S JANUARY

It seems like this month is going by so slow. I dread this month for so many reasons. On January 1st it was 17 years since my cousin died, on January 10th it was 9 years since my uncle died, on January 12th it will be 1 year since my cousin died, and the reason this blog was started, January 15th will be 2 years since I had to say goodbye to my precious Cylas. On January 20th it will be 17 years since my aunt's husband died, and then there's January 29th which will be 29 years since my grandmother died. I am continually waiting for that dreaded phone call. I am waiting to hear that someone else from my family has died. I hate living like this. I hate knowing that January is our death month, so to speak. January is suppose to be a time for new beginnings but yet I dread it so much.

And then right now I am having a difficult time with Cylas' big sister. She is so hyper right now it's about to drive me crazy. I don't want to put her on any meds but I might have to. She's been so "squirrelly" lately. I don't know what is going on with her. I don't know if she is ADHD or whatever. I've had people tell me that it may be how she's handling Cylas' death or it may be her way of acting out to get attention because of Teela. But I honestly don't know. And it's the not knowing that is killing me. I love all my kids and I know that something is wrong but I can't put my finger on it. I hate to be continually getting on to her for her behavior. It seems like that's all I do and I want to change that. I want to help her. It's breaking my heart and I feel like I am bad mother because I can't control her any better. I feel like I've failed.

I wish that January could fly by and be done and over with.