SOME THOUGHTS

Cylas you have been weighing heavy on my mind. With all of these "family" holidays coming up how can I not!! As I live my life here on earth and I have your sisters here with me I smile but it's a smile that I have to force. I can't ever smile and know that's it's for REAL! Last night I was thinking about your funeral and how robotic my movements and emotions seemed to be. I was so frozen and only moved when I was told to move. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't frozen. I often thought about asking people to clear the church and leave me alone with you, just you and me, without everyone's eye's watching me like a hawk! I think that if I had that chance I would have taken you and ran for it. We would have hidden somewhere and I would have held you in my arms as long as I wanted, with no interuptions, no time limit. I mean I would have relinguished my hold on you but I just feel like I didn't have enough time. I would have done everything in my power to press the pause button and just spend time with you. I wasn't ready to let you go and I wasn't ready to watch them throw dirt on you. I wasn't ready to leave you alone in the cold and darkness of death! I wanted my little baby back. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I was hoping someone would pinch me and everything would have been just been one big, bad dream! But we're closing in on 3 years and I'm still living in this nightmare. I'm still reading about other parents who have lost their children. Will this ever end? How much pain must be endured before it stops?

Cylas mommy is missing you! I have a big huge hole in my heart that should be filled with your love and it's not. Please watch over me and your sisters. The holidays never get any easier but I keep moving forward and I keep looking ahead.

I love you Cylas very much!!!!!