EMOTIONAL

Yesterday Teela and I took off to Walmart for some last minute Halloween costume shopping! It was just the two of us. She slept all the way up there so it was just me left with my thoughts, YIKES!! My thoughts are always so scattered. I almost always think about you and think about what might have been. I would glance at Teela periodiaclly and each time I did, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I was thinking about how, soon, it would be Christmas time, and thinking about how much I dread that time of the year. I will have two birthday's to celebrate; Teela turns 2 December 23rd and you will be 3 on December 24th! Last year her birthday was a last minute decision and it was about a week late! And for your birthday we did balloons (a ton of them), a cake, you got some new toys and some new flowers for your grave. This is not what I imagined for myself but it's how my life's played out.

And with Teela I feel a lot of remorse. I don't want to say she saved my life or because of her my life is so much better, or that she has taken your place. I still long for a little boy but I just don't know if I will ever have one. I remember when Teela was born all I could focus on was the fact that her birthday was a day before yours and how that could be my connection to you. My heart breaks for her! She didn't ask to be here and she didn't ask to be mistreated. I cried when I thought about her being given to strangers and I cried because I couldn't fully open my heart up to her for about 3 months. I didn't call myself her Mama and I felt uncomfortable when someone else did. But yesterday watching her as we drove back from Walmart I couldn't help but want to pull her out of her car seat and give her a big, long bear hug. She's such a cutie! She's talking more and more and her favorite animal is a horse! She has this big beautiful smile! No one knows what I feel in my heart for her, Cylas, and Prairie. It's an honor to be their mom!!! But I mentioned my heart breaking and it does because her real mom and dad don't know what their missing. They are missing out on the life of a beautiful little girl who only wants to be loved and held. I may not be her real mom but I do love her with all my heart. She manages to make me smile when I don't want to and I like it when she tells Prairie: "my mommy!" I only want what is best for her and I hope that she knows that I do love her very much!

I am dreading the next few months. If I am already having a hard time holding back the tears then what will I be like once December rears it's ugly head. I've got to try and find the balance somehow. Cylas you will always be missing from our lifes. You are the missing link to my happiness and I'm so sad that I can't ever throw you and Teela an awesome party together! It's hard to be happy and celebrate her birthday when my heart is still aching and ripping apart because I am so restricted with what I can do for you. All I want to do is cry!

I miss you everyday!!!