HALLOWEEN & WAITING

Tomorrow is Halloween. I'm not much of a fan of Halloween but it's fun for the kids. Your big Sis is dressing up like a vampire and your little Sis is a caterpiller, so CUTE! And you would have been a dinosaur (said the big SIS!). So I know you would have made a very cute Chubby Dinosaur, maybe a little like Little Foot from the "Land before time" movie's. As I prepare for tomorrow, I can't help but miss you. You should be here for all this excitement, you know. The parent group has planned a "healthy" Halloween Carnival today at your sister's school so I have to go to that in a few. HAPPY HALLOWEEN CYLAS!!! One thing I know for sure is that you make a cute ANGEL!!!

I also took your medical records to a new law firm yesterday. So now I'm worried about that. I stay worried about this though. I know that time is running out and that freaks me out more than anything. I have to wait until next week before I know if they will move forward or tell me to hit the road. I am really praying they can do something. I will fight has hard as I can until January 15, 2010!! I promise you that.

Please continue to stay close, son. We love you and miss you very much.
Mommy

HOUSE

Cylas, the house is finally complete and should be on it's way. YAY!!!! It should be getting delivered either this week or next week. I am thinking next week because it's suppose be raining here the rest of the week. I am so happy. I've been waiting on my house for five years and to know that it's finally happening, I just can't believe it.

But of course, you will not be here to enjoy the new house and that's sad, but I'll know you'll be watching over us from heaven. And as you probably know, it's getting pretty crowded at Nan and Pop's. I am just grateful to have them for my parents. I don't know how I would have made it through the last two years without them. (MOM and DAD I know your not computer savy and all, but I LOVE YOU BOTH WITH ALL MY HEART!!!!) They have been so supportive and they love you and Prairie so much!!!

Well, I hope to be posting some pics in the next two weeks or so, so be on the look out.

MY LETTER TO CYLAS

Dear Cylas,

Mommy and Big Sister miss you so much. It's been 21 months and I can feel the anxiety building up. Halloween is coming up and I really wish I could see you in your cute costume. Next is Thanksgiving, then your 2nd Birthday and finally Christmas. But none of these occasions matter. They don't matter because I'm missing you.

I know I'm missing alot and what I wouldn't give for one more day with you. I long to hold you in my arms. I want to kiss your chubby cheeks. I do my best to put a smile on my face but inside I'm still sad. I'm still hurting. My life changed when I lost you. I will no longer be the person I used to be. I know that many people are waiting for that person to come back but it's not going to happen. That person died when you died.

Cylas, my baby boy, please stay close to us. These next few months are going to be unbearable to say the least and it's not going to be easy. Mommy, Big Sis, Little Sis, Nan, Pop & your Uncles are going to miss you always but you are forever in our hearts.

Continue sending those Angel Kisses and Heavenly Hugs, Son. And we'll continue to send you our love on Angel wings at night.

Love,
Mom

THE STARS IN THE SKY

They shine bright each night
Which one are you?

They bring light to the night sky
Where are you?

They bring hope to a broken heart
Can I capture you in my hand?

They never go out
Is that you I see?

There's more of them each night
But why?

Don't you know that God only picks the very best for his garden........

He also picks only the best for the night sky. The stars are the light of each child's heart whose gone too soon..........picked to glow forever.



**Note: I am not the best poem writer in the world, but for some reason last night these words flowed from me and onto the paper. Enjoy........***

CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA

Please know that you are loved and missed! You were my baby boy, your sister's baby brother, the apple of pop and nan's eye, & the only nephew your uncle's had.

Now you are my guardian angel, the brightest star in the night sky, that picture in the frame that will forever stay the same, & the tiny football player we dreamed of

22 MONTHS...TOMORROW

Happy 22 months, Cylas!!!! How I wish you were here with me safe in my arms!!! Sissy and I are missing you something bad right now. P has been crying for you and she has been holding on tight to her book "Dancing on the Moon."

Please stay very close to your Big Sissy. I know that she needs you right now. She needs to know that you miss her just as much. Send her some of Heavenly Kisses and Angel Hugs.

I love you and miss you more than anyone may know.

Mommy

(P.S.: the pictures were taken just a few minutes ago. I was missing you, so seeing this rainbow lifted my spirits a little bit.)

I WAS READING

Cylas on Saturday you will be 22 months old. And as always I am wondering what you would have been like. I read on BBC that this is the age when fears start to develop whether it be monsters or people. I would have loved to be able to tell you that everything would be ok and that there is nothing to be afraid of. I would have loved to pick you up and hold you in my arms each time you got scared. I would have loved to kiss your cheek and tell you over and over that I love you more than you will ever know. But I am not going to get that chance am I? 22 months is a cute age. You would have been talking, speaking funny phrases, & doing all the stuff that boys do. It's hard to think about living the rest of my life without you. I've made it this far but it has not been easy.

Next Saturday will be Halloween and your Big Sissy said you would have been a dinosaur (her pick not mine.) So while I'm taking T and P trick or treating I will be thinking of you and how cute you would have been in your costume. I will miss chasing you around and trying to make you hold my hand. But I know that it would have been fun, regardless.

Miss you!!!!

Mama

CYLAS...I REMEMBERED

I lit my candle last night and let it burn all night in honor of all other angel babies. I hope you were able to see the glow from heaven. I love and miss you, son.

~~A POEM FOR OCTOBER 15TH~~

A candle to remember, may it burn ever so bright

As we look to the heavens on this very night.

Beyond the stars, our dear babies soar

Embraced by their Savior on heaven's shores.

As the angels protect them and sing their sweet names

We honor their lives with the glow of this flame.

So we light this candle for our precious babies tonight

As a symbol of our love and their eternal life.

**Thanks Beth for posting this on BBC. I hope you don't mind.**

^j^ REMEMBERING ^j^

TODAY IS A DAY TO REMEMBER CHILDREN WHO HAVE BEEN TAKEN TOO SOON. MY SON CYLAS AND ALL OF HIS ANGEL FRIENDS ARE REMEMBERED TODAY. THEY ARE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS!!!

KARRY: I REMEMBER JACK

LIZ: I REMEMBER ALIVIA

CHRISTINE: I REMEMBER OLIVE LUCY

SHANNON: I REMEMBER TRISTAN

KELLY: I REMEMBER REESE

SAMARIA: I REMEMBER SAIGE

MICHELLEY: I REMEMBER ALEXANDRA

BROOKE: I REMEMBER CADEN

SARA: I REMEMBER AUSTIN

DIV: I REMEMBER MIHIR

MAYDA: I REMEMBER LITTLE HAWK

MACHELE: I REMEMBER MACAYLA

MISTY: I REMEMBER JAY

BETH: I REMEMBER JOSHUA

^j^ I ALSO REMEMBER ALL THE NEW ANGELS AND THEIR FAMILIES THAT HAVE JOINED US IN RECENT MONTHS. ^j^

IT'S BEEN...........

21 months today since I had to say goodbye. I wish that I could say it becomes easy with more time that passes but it isn't. I still miss you like crazy. I still wish I could hear your laugh, cry, and coos. I still miss running my fingers through your hair. I still miss holding you in my arms. I still miss those chubby cheeks.

If your were here today I am pretty sure you would be all over the place. You would be my little helper and be working very hard at moving the furniture around. I would be able to hear you say "mommy." There is so much I know I am missing out on. That pain is still very real for me. Each day, I want you to come back.

Your big Sis said she missed you this morning. She always knows when your special days have arrived and I don't know how she does it. She loved you so much and she still loves you today. She wants you to come back just as much as I do. We try our best to keep you alive in our hearts and minds. You are forever my son and forever her baby bro.

We love you and miss you Cylas!!!!!

IT'S A LITTLE EARLY...

I plan on lighting a candle at home and I've lit one for your on another site. I am trying my best to get it out there. However, it never seems to be enough, you know what I mean. I need to go out & buy a few more candles for some of your angel friends, too!!

YOU ARE REMEMBERED

CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA, you are loved and missed daily. I wish that I could say that it has gotten better, but you are always on my mind. I try to focus on other things and it works for a little while but not long. I'm worried that I'm stuck in my grief. I don't want to be stuck. I have tried like hell to make things better for myself. I am trying to focus on your sisters and keep them happy. But I guess I need to know how to keep myself happy. I'm lost on that one though.

On Thursday it will be 21 months since we said goodbye to you. A counselor told me that it might be best to only remember one date that pertains to you, but it's so hard. I remember the day you were born and I remember the day you died, how do you block one day out? To me that's like asking me to forget and that's something that I refuse to do. I REFUSE to forget anything about you good or bad.

I was reading at one point and that seemed to fill my mind, but it didn't last. I was reading the TWILIGHT books but it didn't take me long to read all four books and I just can't seem to get into any other books. I have turned into a major Twilight fan and I have proclaimed myself as a TEAM EDWARD member. And even though I can't wait for the New Moon movie to come out, I am still missing you.

How I wish no one had to lose a child! I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone. It seems as though no one understands and they think "gah, get over it!" I don't think I'll ever get over it. I know that time heals all wounds, but the memory still remains. It still hurts. It still breaks my heart all over again to think about the day you died. I am still that broken momma I was a few months back. I am still angry. I still blame myself and I blame my EX for being a total butt head and denying you.

Cylas, I miss you. Your sister misses you. I don't know about the rest of my family, but your sister and I still miss you and we want you back.

Love,

MOM

DON'T FORGET

I was thinking about the 15th and how it means you've been gone another month, but it also means something else. It's also a date to remember for many reasons. It's a day to remember you and all of your angel friends. I know that I plan on lighting my candle in remembrance of you, my precious son. It's been so hard since you died. I am trying my darnest to move forward but I also know that I will never quite be able to. There have been so many babies that have died, and all you want to ask is why? My heart breaks each time I read another loss story. It's not fair!!

So, to my readers (followers) please take some time to remember our babies on the 15th. Light your candles.

Cylas' Mom

FIRST PLACE

Cylas, wanted you to know that our float placed first again this year. We now have four first place ribbons under our belt. The rain held off long enough to get the parade finished then it came falling down. I liked it though because it wasn't as hot.

Its taking me some time to type this entry, T is here at work with me. She's got a rash all over her and she couldn't stay at school. And I have a lot to get done here at work so she's here with me. She seems to catch everything that comes around. It gets so aggravating and I don't know how much time I have to actually take care of her at home. Please stay close to your sisters. They have both been sick on and off for the last month.

I haven't been to the fair yet, and I don't know if I'll go. They say it's a big muddy mess down there, and I'm not into mud.

Sorry so short. I took pictures of the float but I need to get them transferred to a disk before I can post, but I'll do that soon. (THERE'S A PICTURE AT THE TOP.)

LOVE YOU,
Mom

PARADE

P showing off her gap.

Today is the parade, and I sure am missing you. All I keep thinking about is what might have been. In 2007 I was preggo with you and I rode the float, last year I was trying to keep on my brave face. There is just so much you miss on a daily basis. You were only a baby, but you were a part of our lives.

Like yesterday, P lost her very first tooth. She is so excited and she received $2.00 from the tooth fairy. It's been loose for about 2 months and wouldn't let me pull it. So we just waited until it fell out.

Just wanted to let you know that I am always thinking about you.

Mom