14 MONTHS OLD TODAY

Happy 14 months, Cylas!! I can't believe it! I've tried to find the words to explain how I feel, but none come to mind. All I know is that I miss you and want you here with me. I know it's a selfish thought, but I'm a mom and I am selfish. I wanted more time with you, but didn't get it. I was looking for something to post and I found this poem. It doesn't exacyly make much sense for this post but it's a beautiful poem:

I’ll Lend For You

“I’ll lend you, for a little while, a child of mine,”He said

“For you to love while he lives and mourn when he is dead.

It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three, but will you

till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He’ll bring his charms to gladden you and shall his stay be brief,

you’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, as all from earth return

but there are lessons taught down there that I want this child to learn.

I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,

and from the throngs that crown life’s lanes, I have selected YOU.

Now will you give him all your love not think the labor vain

nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again.”

I fancied that I heard them say “Dear Lord, Thy will be done.

For all the joys thy child will bring The risk of grief we’ll run.

We will shelter him with tenderness, We’ll love him while we may—

And for the happiness we’ve known Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him Much sooner than we’ve planned,

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes And try to understand.”

Written By: Edgar A. Guest

Cylas, have a happy day in heaven and always remember that mommy and sister love you!

XOXOXOXO,

Mommy

Prairie

Last night was hard for me emotionally. Prairie was having a hard time and I felt so lost because I didn't know what to say to make her feel better. I had her ready for bed by 9:00 but we didn't fall asleep until much later. She was upset and crying. She cried for about an hour and a half. She told me that she misses Cylas, she wishes he would come back, she wants to hold him and love him. She told me that her heart was broken. How am I supposed to make her feel better? How can I let her know that it's going to be ok? I can't tell her that's it's going to be ok, when I don't even know myself if it's going to be ok. I hate seeing her hurting.

I told her Cylas will always be in her heart and that he will never be forgotten, but last night those words just didn't seem to help. She wanted her brother and that's all she knew. But I am glad that she's able to express her feelings like that. At least it's not all bottled up. All I know how to do is hug her and tell her that I love her and that Cylas knew that she loved him, too. I've got to wonder if the pain will ever end. When it seems like we've moved forward in our grief, we always fall about 5 steps back.

Cylas, be with your sister. She misses you so much. She only wants you back. She wants to hold you and play with you. She wants to help change your diapers. She wants her heart to stop breaking. Please stay close.

Mommy

Saying a Prayer

Last night Prairie was saying her prayer. She usually prays nightly for her family and even her grandma's dog Stewy. She ends her prayer by asking God to let Cylas know that she misses him and loves him. Well last night she ended it almost the same way, but for her, this was very sweet. After praying for me and everyone else, she paused for a moment and then she said "God, please with all the mommies who have lost their babies, just like me and my mom." I just about lost it, but I was able to hold it together. (She also prayed for her grandma's dog. She told God to watch over Stewy because he had the squirts! It was very cute and unexpected.)

Once she finished praying she asked me if her prayer was good, and I told her it was great. I had tears in my eyes and I gave her a big hug and told her that she was very sweet to remember the other mommies. I've never tried to hide death from her. She's experienced it and it's something that I don't want her to be scared of. She's going to be five in March and her understanding of death is surprising. Death is something that no five year old should know about. She remembers me telling her that her brother went to sleep and she remembers looking at him in his casket. It's been hard for her and sometimes I don't know how to make her feel better. I am at a loss for words most of the time. But I am happy that she talks about Cylas. The one thing I didn't want was to make her feel uncomfortable about mentioning his name. Yes it's hard, but it helps with the healing process.

She's been missing her brother and her all her dogs that she's lost. Last night she said "mom, I miss Cylas and all of my dogs. I just wish they could all come back." When Prairie hurts, I hurt. I only hope that I am doing my best with her. I don't want her growing up thinking that her mom doesn't care about her feelings, KWIM?

(Cylas, I hope that God gives you your messages from Prairie. Please stay with her always, I think sometimes she needs you more than I do.)

XOXOXO

Mommy

Another Valentine's Day w/out You

On Saturday, your sister and I celebrated Valentine's Day. I've always ordered her a stuffed animal with some balloons, but this year I didn't since it fell on a Saturday. Instead, I took her to Build-A-Bear in Asheville and she picked out a pink bear with flowers all over it. We stuffed it and picked out clothes. Your sister named her new bear Flower. She also wanted to build you one, but we just don't have the space to properly display your things. Once we get our new house I promise you will have a special place for your stuff.

I've stated many times how I hate special occasions that come up. I hate them because you are not here to enjoy them. I try my best to make sure your sister doesn't get left out because of my feelings. I know that life must go on no matter how hard it may be. Valentine's just doesn't mean what it used to. I have no reason to celebrate it. I don't have a SO and I don't have my little boy, so what's the use, KWIM? Iwodi loves each holiday and I wish that I could be the same way. Now that Valentines is over, next is your sister's 5th birthday. It's not until the end of March, but I like to plan early. This will be the second birthday you've missed. All of the things you are missing, it doesn't seem fair.

I know that you have the perfect home in heaven. I know that you are not in pain. I know that you want for nothing. I know that you feel how much you are loved. I know that you hear our thoughts. I know that you watch over us. I know that you send us angel kisses every night. I know that you visit whenever you can. And even though I know all this I still miss you so, so much. Knowing this doesn't bring much comfort, and I don't know if it ever will. All I know is that I want you back. I want you here with me. I want the huge hole in my heart to disappear. It's not fair for you to miss all the birthdays and special occasions. I want to hold you and tell you that I love you, instead of screaming it out in the darkness.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, CYLAS!! Mommy and Iwodi love you and miss you!!!

Love,

Mommy

Another Update

On February 5th, I went in for my mammogram & ultrasound. I was told by the radiologist that my mammogram looked fine. The US technician was looking for the cyst, but as she went over my chest with the wand she had a hard time finding it. After a few moments, she gave up. She tried very hard to find the cyst but it could not be found. I am very thankful that everything looked fine, but I am still worried about the cyst. Do I need to worry, or do I need to be thankful that it was not found? I have mixed emotions right now. I am a worrier and worry is what I do best. I am trying to be happy for the results. I am thankful to God for his mercy on me.

However, I still struggle from day to day with the loss of my son. I miss him so much and often wonder what my life would be like if he were here today. His sister misses him and talks about all the time. We are still searching for our normal, and I don't know if we'll have a normal life. We have someone missing from our liives who meant the world to us and we haven't learned to move on. Please continue to pray for me and my daughter, as we struggle with our grief. Thank you for all your prayers during this time. It means the world to me.

Thank you

Sarah (Cylas' Mom)

UPDATE

Well, I had my breast exam today. Still no definate answer as to what it is. The doctor thinks it might be a cyst, since it hasn't changed since I first found it. She set up a mammogram for Thursday, February 5th. Then of course the results won't be back until Monday, February 9th. So right now I am still playing the waiting game.

But if you read this entry, please continue to pray for me. This is still a scary situation for me.

Cylas, please stay close to me during this time. I felt the calmness you sent my way this morning, thank you son. I love you and miss you always.

Sarah (Cylas' Mom)