I know you were close last night

Cylas, last night was mommy and Sister night. We went to eat at Ryan's, then we went shopping at Walmart. After shopping we enjoyed a night at the movies. Iwodi wanted to watch Inkheart so I took her. One of her friends will be coming home with her tonight so we won't be loafing tomorrow.

Well anyway, after the movie, we came out and she immediately found the Cylas star. Last night the star was right by the moon which amazed Iwodi. Usually, I don't pay much attention to the star, but for some reason last night it just seemed to YELL at me. The whole drive home I could see the star. I was already crying. I listen to "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" when I'm missing you and last night was one of those nights. It just really felt like that star was trying to "speak" to me. And I imagine that if I could hear it, it would have said "MOM, PLEASE DON'T CRY! I'M RIGHT HERE & I'M ALRIGHT. I LOVE AND MISS YOU TOO!"

Some days are easier than others. Some days the pain is so hard to bare. I have so much going through my mind right now. I am still terrified about what the outcome of my breast exam might be. All I know is that I can't leave my daughter here without a mommy. I've lost a son, she lost a brother, and she can't lose her mom. I only hope and pray that everything will be alright.

Cylas, thanks for letting me feel you close last night. I was comforted even though it probably didn't look like it. I love you!!!!

Mommy

Cylas' Memorial Bracelet

As some of you know I've been trying to find the perfect memorial jewelry for Cylas. I'm still looking for a ring, but I've had my memorial bracelet for a while. I keep it put up and only look at it every once in a while. I am very satisfied with my bracelet. I think it's beautiful.

I was able to carry Cylas on my taxes, but the sad fact is that I wasn't even going to bother with it. I didn't know if I could. I'm waiting on that check to come in and I'm thinking about using the money to buy that ring. I've been looking at rings and I've even got one picked out but I don't know if I want a mother's ring which would have my birthstone, Prairie's birthstone, & Cylas' birthstone or if I want a ring with just Cylas' birthstone. I guess as soon as I make up my mind and actually order it then and only then will it be final.

I can't remember where I ordered my bracelet from, but I am very satisfied with it. It's so pretty and reminds of me of my Cylas. It's very special.

Wondering........(thinking)

I haven't had much to write about. Sometimes I feel like I am just repeating myself. I know that no one will forget how much I miss Cylas or how much I wish he were still here, but what if that's all I know. What if in trying to get back to "normal" I am forever stuck with this pain? I've experienced death before but nothing like this. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I can't seem to put it behind me. I can't seem to move forward. It seems like I only know how to fall backwards.

I remember when my cousin got killed in 1993, I had a rough 6 months and even stayed in counseling during that whole period. I had horrible nightmares and slept in my parents room for a year. His death was one the first that I can recall having such an effect on me, but I can actually say that I got over it and was able to move on. So why is it so hard to move on from this death? I know one thing for sure is because this was my baby. This was a baby that I had my heart set on from the moment I knew I wanted kids; I wanted a boy. He grew inside of me. He was a part of me. I felt him move before anyone knew he existed. This was my little prince. He was suppose to live, grow, graduate from college, get married, & then take care of me when old age took over. He was suppose to bury me, not the other way around. He was taken away and no one has the answers I want.

I tell people that I am doing good, but deep down my pain is still so real. I go to work and complete my day with thoughts of Cylas constantly running through my mind. I am constantly wondering about the what if's, the should have's, or what kind of new things would Cylas be doing right now. I think about all that I've missed and all that I'm going to miss. I'm gonna miss sending him to kindergarten. I'm gonna miss comforting him when he falls. I'm gonna miss cheering him on at football games. I'm gonna miss all of his special moments. But the one thing I know is that I'm not going to forget. I won't forget Cylas. He will always be right here in my heart, in my soul, and in my mind.

I no longer try to keep my distance from other babies, but I don't ask questions and I definitely don't offer to hold them like I use to. Sometimes I'd rather act like they're not there. I don't even know if I'll ever have another baby. I'm not in the position to even think about having another baby. I have no husband and I have no desire to date. All of my focus is on my daughter and sometimes I feel like I'm even letting her down. I've prayed to God asking him to send me a baby to adopt. I think I have enough love in my heart for a child who needs a home with a loving family. But I really don't know the laws to follow when trying to adopt. All I know is that native american babies don't leave the reservation or at least that's what I've heard. My daughter always tells me that she wants a sister and I don't have the right answer to give her. She wanted Cylas to be a sister and it's very clear she didn't get her wish. I always tell her to talk to her dad about that, since he's already remarried and has a new woman to be with forever. He's on the fast track and I'm still lagging behind (but I can definitely say I'm in no hurry).

I'm probably just blabbing on and on and this probably doesn't make sense, but I guess I did have something to share. Will I ever find "normal" again? Will it ever get any better? Will I ever actually "move on"? I suppose the answers to these questions will come in time.

(Cylas, Me & your sister miss you always. We will love you forever! Please stay close sweetie!!)

Cylas' Mom

13 Months

Cylas, I just realized what the date is for tomorrow. It's the 24th. Which means you will be 13 months old!? Wow, it's so hard to believe. I don't know what happened. I am usually really good with dates. I thought about it earlier in the week but it's just hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been so bogged down since hitting your 1 year angelvarsary. I haven't been able to visit you and you still haven't seen your new flowers I ordered. I feel so bad when I can't make it to your grave on special dates. I wish that I could fly and then I wouldn't have to worry about traffic or anything else. I could just fly to your grave and visit for as long as I wanted and then fly back and get back to regular business. I know it sounds silly, but at least I can be silly.

I am still very concerned about the lump I found. I am really hoping that it turns out to be nothing. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave your sister without a mother. She's already been through so much, I don't know what would happen to her. I know that I need to pray and ask God to take care of me, but it's hard trying not to ask him Why he took you when I pray. I know that he has all the answers. I'm holding my head up and trying to make the best of a bad situation. Please watch over me Cylas. Whisper in God's ear and tell him to heal your mommy. Sometimes I think I sound selfish when I pray, does God like selfish people?

You would probably be talking (very little), I wonder what your voice would have sounded like.

You would probably be walking too! Would you walk like your "daddy"? Don't know.

You and your sister would probably be competing for my attention, I would hope not.

Would I have given you your first haircut or continue letting it grow? I know that I was seriously thinking about giving you a mohawk, how cute would that have been? I see it in my head, and I think it would have been very CUTE!!! But of course a haircut like that tends to make a child mean, but not my sweet Cylas.

I can't even begin to imagine what else you would doing. All I know is that I am missing alot. God's so lucky he gets to see you fly and learn how to be angel everyday, but I don't get to see anything.

The star we call Cylas shines bright everynight, but it goes to "bed" early, I try to use that little fact to get your sister in bed early too, but it doesn't work.

Cylas I hope that you know you are loved!! I love you, Sissy loves you, Nan & Pops love you, Uncle Junebug & his family love you! You are missed so much. We talk about you all the time. I hope that you hear us.

Happy 13 months Cylas!!

Love you Always,

Mommy

What else can happen?

I have a new worry on my mind. It's a worry that's been lingering for a while, but I've been avoiding the issue. I was doing a self breast exam and I found a lump on my (L) breast. Cancer doesn't run in my family on either side, so I am hopeful that it's nothing. But there is this HUGE part of me that scared out of my mind. Will I leave my daughter without a mother? Since Cylas died I've been more aware of the bad things that can happen. I know that I need to think positive but it's so hard after the year I've had. I've already had the worse thing happen. I don't need anything else on my plate. I dont' need any more bad luck.

I actually found the lump two months ago, but I've been in denial. But with Cylas' 1 year angelvarsary passing and having all my thoughts on him, I've been able to think of other things. I don't want to leave my daughter mother-less. I don't want to die.

If you are reading my blog, please say a prayer for me. Pass this on and have other bloggers pray for me too!! I am so SCARED!!!! I have an appointment for a breast exam in February, but that's 2 weeks away. 2 weeks for my mind to go crazy with all these negative thoughts.

Cylas be with mommy.

1 Year ANGELVARSARY

It's been a year since you passed away and left me for good. Even though I seem to be doing fine, my pain is still so real!!! I still miss you. I still wish you would come back. I still want to hold you. I still listen for you to breath. I still want to hold you in my arms. I still want to kiss your chubby cheeks. I still want to look into your eyes. I still wonder what might have been. I still look at your pictures. I still cry myself to sleep. I still ask myself Why? I still want people to miss you. I never want them to forget that, yes, you were here. I still wish that I could have saved your life. I still wish that I was a better mother. I still wish that I could hold your hand. I still want to count those tiny fingers and toes. I still want YOU...........

I miss you & love you Cylas!!!! Nan, Pops, & Prairie miss you too!! (Please continue to watch over us. Please continue sending us your angel kisses. Please continue to watch for us to send our love to you on angel wings each night. You will forever be missed & always in our hearts!!!!!)

Mommy

My thoughts

Cylas, this week has not been easy. I keep re-living your last four days here. I know that I shouldn't do it, but it's going to happen no matter what I do. Those memories are a part of you too! Tomorrow is your one year angelvarsary and I haven't planned anything special. I have ordered you a new floral arrangement. I hope you understand if I don't do anything more. I still feel so "un-recovered" from celebrating your birthday in December. That took alot out of me physically and emotionally. It's been a long hard year with alot of heartache and dread. I've dreaded certain months and holidays and I've felt the heartache over what I am missing out on by not having you here. It is so unfair and I don't know if that opinion will ever change.

The other day I posted another picture that I found. When I seen it I cried. It's a picture that I knew existed, but really haven't seen it since you died. It was taken by your "dad" with his cell phone. It can be considered your last picture so it's hard seeing it. You were in the hospital laying on your bed and you just look so helpless. I am so sorry that I couldn't kiss your boo boo and make it better. I would have done anything to make you better and I hope that you know that. I still feel like I've let you down. I feel like I am a failure as a mother. Everyone keeps telling me that it was beyond my control, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

Last night your sister and I spent some time talking about you. I was telling her about the night you died. Sometimes I regret not letting her have a chance to say goodbye, but I also feel like I did the right thing. She misses you so much and constantly tells me that she wants you to come back. She knows that you can't come back, but I suppose she's like me in a lot of ways, she keeps hoping that if she asks enough that just maybe her wish will come true. Cylas you are missed everyday and I don't see any end in sight. We will continue to miss you and we will always wish for you to come back.

I was really hoping to make it through this month without any deaths and that hope was already cut short. Our cousin in Oklahoma passed away on the 12th, but no one in our family can make it out there. Your nana has a sore foot and I know that if it wasn't for that she would have already been out there. It's so hard, because each year we have to face a different January with the same worries. The whole family practically walks on egg shells. None of us want to lose anyone. So with the passing of our cousin, we have lost 6 family members in January on different days. But the only bad thing about that is we're still right in the middle of the month so I guess we'll remain on egg shells until February comes.

Also, we have our cousin Kirk and his family without a home. Their house burned down over the weekend and they've lost everything. Your cousin Stephanie and her kids (Teela & Shine) have been taken to Florida. She was beat up by her boyfriend last week and her mom wanted her to get away from Cherokee and her boyfriend for a little while. Nana & I kept the kids for her and we all fell in love with Teela (she's two weeks old). Your sister wanted to keep her so it was hard to see her leave. Cylas, please watch over Teela & Shine. They need a good guardian angel to make sure they're alright.

Well, I guess I better go. Please visit us. We really need some angel kisses and heavenly hugs!!!

Love,

Mommy

Slideshow Above

The slide show is entitled "Celebrating Cylas". His first birthday was December 24th and I took pictures of all the things that I have. Some of this stuff was kept out of storage, and there are some pictures from the hospital the night he died. I think I promised a slide show of the happenings on his birthday from a previous post, so here it is. I hope everyone enjoys it.