Wondering........(thinking)

I haven't had much to write about. Sometimes I feel like I am just repeating myself. I know that no one will forget how much I miss Cylas or how much I wish he were still here, but what if that's all I know. What if in trying to get back to "normal" I am forever stuck with this pain? I've experienced death before but nothing like this. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I can't seem to put it behind me. I can't seem to move forward. It seems like I only know how to fall backwards.

I remember when my cousin got killed in 1993, I had a rough 6 months and even stayed in counseling during that whole period. I had horrible nightmares and slept in my parents room for a year. His death was one the first that I can recall having such an effect on me, but I can actually say that I got over it and was able to move on. So why is it so hard to move on from this death? I know one thing for sure is because this was my baby. This was a baby that I had my heart set on from the moment I knew I wanted kids; I wanted a boy. He grew inside of me. He was a part of me. I felt him move before anyone knew he existed. This was my little prince. He was suppose to live, grow, graduate from college, get married, & then take care of me when old age took over. He was suppose to bury me, not the other way around. He was taken away and no one has the answers I want.

I tell people that I am doing good, but deep down my pain is still so real. I go to work and complete my day with thoughts of Cylas constantly running through my mind. I am constantly wondering about the what if's, the should have's, or what kind of new things would Cylas be doing right now. I think about all that I've missed and all that I'm going to miss. I'm gonna miss sending him to kindergarten. I'm gonna miss comforting him when he falls. I'm gonna miss cheering him on at football games. I'm gonna miss all of his special moments. But the one thing I know is that I'm not going to forget. I won't forget Cylas. He will always be right here in my heart, in my soul, and in my mind.

I no longer try to keep my distance from other babies, but I don't ask questions and I definitely don't offer to hold them like I use to. Sometimes I'd rather act like they're not there. I don't even know if I'll ever have another baby. I'm not in the position to even think about having another baby. I have no husband and I have no desire to date. All of my focus is on my daughter and sometimes I feel like I'm even letting her down. I've prayed to God asking him to send me a baby to adopt. I think I have enough love in my heart for a child who needs a home with a loving family. But I really don't know the laws to follow when trying to adopt. All I know is that native american babies don't leave the reservation or at least that's what I've heard. My daughter always tells me that she wants a sister and I don't have the right answer to give her. She wanted Cylas to be a sister and it's very clear she didn't get her wish. I always tell her to talk to her dad about that, since he's already remarried and has a new woman to be with forever. He's on the fast track and I'm still lagging behind (but I can definitely say I'm in no hurry).

I'm probably just blabbing on and on and this probably doesn't make sense, but I guess I did have something to share. Will I ever find "normal" again? Will it ever get any better? Will I ever actually "move on"? I suppose the answers to these questions will come in time.

(Cylas, Me & your sister miss you always. We will love you forever! Please stay close sweetie!!)

Cylas' Mom