It's Getting Hard

I've been trying my best to not think about the holiday's and your birthday. I keep thinking that if I focus on the next month or so too much I'll go crazy. I can feel the hole in my heart getting bigger and I can feel my chest collapsing. Your sister goes to to sleep missing you, and all I can do to comfort her is tell her that it's going to be alright and give her a hug. It's so hard and I know that it's about to get harder. How can I keep that from happening? I can't afford to completely shut down.

I am making arrangements to order your headstone. I know it's almost been a year, but son, I've been waiting on your "dad" to get you one. He claims that there is one being fixed but everytime I ask when it will be done he can't give me an answer. It was supposed to be ready in June, and it wasn't. I feel like the worst mother ever. You don't even even a permanent marker for your grave and in January it will be a year. I am going to go look at a few monument companies within the next weeks and see what I can get worked out. And son, I am so sorry you don't have a headstone, but just know that I am working on it, I promise.

Cylas, all I ask that you stay close by. Let your sister and I know that you close by. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Mommy