Still Missin You

Today must be one of those days. For some reason I find myself tearing up whenever I think of you. I know that it never hurts to cry, and that crying is a part of the healing process. But sometimes I feel like I am just a big cry baby, because it's all I've done since you've been gone. But then again, if I don't cry, does that mean I am already forgetting you and don't miss you as much as I say I do? NO, it doesn't. It just means that I am learning how to handle my grief. I like to think of you as not being sick or suffering like you did before you died. Because I know that if I focus on the bad then I will probably get depressed and I don't have the time to be depressed. I have your sister to focus on. She's the reason why I am still able to get up and go.

Missing you today, Cylas. Loving you forever!!

Mommy

Hello, Baby Boy

Hello to my baby boy! This weekend was a good weekend for me. I thought of you often, but I didn't have any break downs. Sometimes I feel like if I DON'T cry for you, though, then that means I'm am slowly forgetting about you or that I really don't miss you as much as I say I do. But that's not true in any way! I know that you will always be in my HEART and I will always carry those memories of you with me.

Right, now here on this earth, it is getting scary! We've already had to worry about having gas, and then now there is something going on with the finances and stocks. It's slowly starting to get to a scary place and I think that you are so lucky because you don't have to or will never have to worry about all this. You are in Heaven where there is no pain or sorrow, and where there is light, and no darkness ever falls. You are in a peaceful place and as of right now I feel like you are the lucky one. You've already received your reward and now it's up to me to make sure I make it there with you.

Cylas, on a dark day, and I've had alot of those since I've lost you, you seem to brighten up my day. I think about the time that we shared together and I am so grateful to have had that time. Even though I do regret that I will never get to see you grow up, and see you have your own life, I am very happy with the time that we spent together. In that time, I noticed that you had my "ugly" fingers and toes, and that you looked just like your "dad" even though at the time I wasn't sure if he was claiming you or not , you had beautiful dark eyes and of course those CCCUUUUTTTTTEEEEE chubby cheeks! The only mistery feature you had was that dimple on your chin. I never figured out where that come from. No matter how misterious, it only made you cuter!!

Cylas, be close to me and your sister! Keep us safe and let us know that you are close by. We need a visit from you more than you know.

Mommy

9 Months Old Today

Today, Cylas, you are nine months old. Time is just flying by and I don't know how to react. Pretty soon you'll be turning one. I know that I am missing out on alot of milestones and I am missing that alot. I want to see you accomplish all this stuff. I don't want to think about what you might be doing. Unfortunately, I know that this will not be happening and that makes me feel so sad. I know that you would be making me and your sister laugh, and maybe even making your sister cry. I've been looking at some information on 9 month olds and it helps me see what I am missing.

What I'm Missing:

1. you would be walking while hanging onto furniture


2. you would be pulling yourself up


3. you would be using the "pincer grasp" to hold tiny objects


4. you would be drinking from a sippy cup


5. you would be saying "mama" or "dada"


6. you would understand the meaning of NO


7. I would be able to play peekaboo with you


8. I would be teaching you facial features


9. I would be seeing you and your sister having fun together

I listed some of the stuff that I missing out on. But above all else I am missing my little boy. I always miss you and I am dealing with it the best way I know how. I stay busy from the time I get up until I go to bed. I find it easier to stay busy than to be sitting around. Plus, I have your sister to entertain me and that is something she does very well!!

Happy 9 months!!! Love you and miss you!!! Please come for a visit tonight. Your sister is in need of some kisses, and I am too!!

Mommy

What Am I going to do?

Cylas I don't know what to do. Your sister is in so much pain. Last night she finally broke down and cried for an hour before finally going to sleep. I tried my best to comfort her, but I only ended up crying right along with her. How in the world do I help her? How can I let her know that everything will be ok? All she wants is to have you back! She wants her brother back! As much as I want to help her, I know that I can't fix this problem for her. I know that I can't bring you back. I know that all this must be hard for her to understand. She's four years old and she misses her brother. I worry about her so much. I try to do my best for her as her mother but when it comes to this I feel like I let her down! I am still dealing with your loss, and I often wonder how can I be here for her when I am still trying to make it too? Last night she held Stripes so tight! She went to sleep holding him in her arms. Stripes is the only comfort I know that she has. She knows that she can talk to Stripes and you'll get the messages in Heaven. But Stripes will never fill that hole in her life. He will never be you. I feel so lost and confused. Your sister has always tried to keep herself from showing her feelings because she's worried about how I might react. I told her last night that it doesn't hurt to cry and that it's alright to talk about you at any time. I told her not to worry about my feelings because sometimes it helps me to have someone to cry with too! My heart broke last night and it will continue to break for the rest of my life. I carry you in my heart everyday and Iknow that we will never forget about you. I also know that it will take time to completely heal.

I don't know what to do about your sister. I have her in counseling but she's like me, she lets everything bottle up inside and then all once it explodes. All I can do is keep telling her that it's ok to miss you because I miss you too!! Please be close to your sister, Cylas. She needs to know that you are close to her. Let her feel your warm hugs and angel kisses. Your sister loves you and misses you very much!!

Mommy

Thank you, Cylas

I just want to say thank you Cylas for your little visit last night. It really warmed my heart to feel you so close to me. I was beginning to think I didn't have any connection to you at all. I think I've known all along that your ok, but it's hard to let go of something that you love so much. I know that your happy and that you must have tons of angel friends, but I am mom and a mom always misses her babes. Your sister couldn't smell the beautiful scent you let me smell but she was so excited about your visit. She kept asking every second if I could still smell it.

Love you always,

Mommy

New Worries

Today, Cylas, your grandma emailed me and told me that we have a meeting set up with the lawyer in October. As soon as I read that email I got this huge knot in my stomach and it will probably stay there until after the meeting. I have so many thoughts running through my head about what that lawyer could possibly say. Will he say something that I want to hear? Or will he say something that I'm dreading to hear? I want to hear that, yes, we have a case against the hospital, but I don't want to hear that you didn't have to die. I don't want to know that you could still be here if only they did something different to treat you. But with all my heart I want to be able to place the blame of your death on the hospital, just so I can quit blaming myself. This is something that I have done since I lost you in January. I blame myself because I'm your mom and I'm suppose to protect you and keep you safe, and I couldn't even do that.

I pray with all my heart that we hear something good. I pray that your death was not in vain, son. Please be close to me during this time. You know how your mom is and I tend to make something big out of something small. I will worry about this until it almost drives me crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one worrying about this. Your dad said that we have nothing to worry about, but what does he know, he didn't see what I seen and he didn't go through what I went through at the hospital, he was at work. Just when I think I might be able to move on and think about something else it gets messed up by one little email. I miss you Cylas. I love you Cylas. I still can't wrap my arm around all this drama I call life. I have so many ideas about how to remember you because I am so afraid that I might forget you. I thought I might a tattoo, but that hurts, and then I thought I about planting a tree in your honor, can't do that until we actually have a house of our own (me & Prairie), and then I've seen tons of stuff I could order but right now don't have the funds to make that happen. I don't know I might get brave and actually get that tattoo one day.

Love you,

Mommy

Meet Stripes

About three weeks before Cylas was born, his sister picked out a beanie baby and she said that it was for her baby. We kept it put in the bag from the store and on the day we brought him home from the hospital his tiger was waiting for him in his crib. When Cylas died in January I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know if I wanted to put it in his casket or keep it. I asked my mom what I should do with it and she was just as confused as I was. Prairie didn't come home until about 12 hours after Cylas died so I had time to think of something. We all went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for our little man and then we came back home. People were coming in and out all evening and I guess at about 5:30 Prairie came home. She was her happy normal self and it just broke my heart to have to tell her what happened to her brother. I let her run around and give hugs to her nan & pops, and to her uncle, then I took her to the bedroom. She didn't want to go to the bedroom because her brother was not back there in his crib.

Once we got the bedroom, I held her on my lap and I told her I had something to tell her. She listened very intently and then I told her that her brother would not be coming home this time. She said "Why?" And I said well as you know he was sick and his little body just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that he had to go home to Jesus. Still again she asked "Why?" By this time I had tears streaming down my cheeks and I told her that he was going to be our special guardian angel and that he would always be with us in our hearts. And then I pulled out his tiger and I told her that her brother wanted her to have to it. I told her that he wanted her to keep it safe for him and that whenever she missed him she could grab that tiger and hug it and Cylas would feel it in Heaven. She took it in her arms and hugged it very tightly!! Then she laid it on her pillow and gave it a kiss.

She sleeps with that tiger every night and has since named him Stripes. She doesn't let anyone touch it and if someone does she screams that's my brothers don't touch it!! I know that somehow that helps her with her pain but I also know that it no way replaces her brother. I just wish there was something I could do to help her understand all of this and right now I can't! I miss Cylas just as much as she does. I wanted to share this story and I hope that someone can find a way to help their living Child deal with losing a sibling.

Sarah T. (Cylas' Mommy)