CYLAS MYCHAL TOINEETA

November 18, 2009

CYLAS' ANGEL FRIEND

HAPPY 2ND HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY

NORAH!!

November 17, 2009

These will probably be the last pics until they do more, like add a porch. I've got two more views of my house and one picture of where my well will be. They didn't work on it yesterday, but I'll be checking for more progress.

November 16, 2009

MORE PICS OF "MY" HOUSE

Man, that sounds good!! MY HOUSE!!! I've waited so long and it seems like in a flash it's here. It took 5 years but I am so relieved to finally have it here. SORRY there's not a better view of the whole house. It's pretty muddy up there and I'm not very big on getting muddy and all. And it looks like it's going to be raining the rest of this week, UGH!! But I drive up there everyday, you know, I don't want it to disappear or anything, HA!!

***Debbie: yes, I will post pictures of the inside as soon as I am able to go inside. I can't wait to see the inside either ;)***

Sarah T.

22 MONTH ANGELVARSARY

Yesterday was 22 months since I said goodbye to you. I've been doing really good and haven't been on the edge of the PIT for months, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in my usual BLAH mood but nothing severe. I'm dreading the next two months and I am praying I make it through.

I was able to visit your grave and I think I cried more than I talked. I hugged your headstone and just cried. I feel so bad. Your grave doesn't have any flowers on it. I've haven't any extra money to buy more since I cleaned it off two months ago. I told your sister we would try and buy something this weekend.

I love you more and more with each day that passes. And I miss you more and more with each minute that goes by.

Mommy

November 13, 2009

SURPRISE, SURPRISE

Right after I came off the mountain from taking pictures of the first half of my house, the other half was coming up the main road. So, I was able to get pics of them actually moving the house in. I was feeling kind of bad, because I missed everything earlier in the day but being able to watch the process was fun and exciting. Here are the pics of that.

According to my parents, they had a really rough time getting the first half up that road. But I think they did it alot faster yesterday evening. I guess because they had already did once that day anyway. I don't know when the house will be put on the foundation, I'll be on the look out for the crane.

November 12, 2009

IT'S HERE........

****Here are the pictures as promised. The top picture is a pic of the MESS! But who cares about the mess I am so happy its here, well at least half of it. HA!!****

I got a call from my mom and she said "half" of your house is sitting in the road right now!!! I am so excited!!!!! I am going to try and get pictures right after work. Oh Cylas, please help the movers have a safe day. Help them easily get our house up on that mountain.

SELFISHNESS

Boy, has that happened alot since T entered into our lives. First, it was my heart. I was so afraid to open it up to her but then I realized she needed me and that she deserved as much love as I could possibly give her. Then, it was your bottle. I saved one bottle that you used and I had every intention on keeping it put up. But then T came and she only had one bottle that I was having to re-wash. Poor thing she needed it and even though I felt immensely guilty for it, I let her use "your" bottle. And last night, as I was putting her into her crib, your blanket (we call it "Cylas blanket) was in her crib. I've always tried to only use her blankets in her crib. Without thinking, I put your blanket on her, and then broke down into tears. I kept thinking about how I should have been allowed to use it on you. And how unfair it was that she is the one using it. That was a selfish thought and I felt so bad afterward.

T is a part of our life now and I do love her, but with all that love, I am missing you more and more. I keep thinking about how you would have been if you were here. I have a feeling that you might have been as mean as a striped snake. You probably would be torturing your Big Sis. Please tell God to forgive me for my selfishness and let him know that I am THANKFULL for all that I have. I love P, T and You. I am thankful for the time I spent with you. But I am human and I think I am allowed to wonder what might have been.

I hope that T will forgive me for being that way. And I hope you can forgive me. I am learning to love here and far away and it hasn't been easy.

IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

Shared by Beth on BBC (thanks Beth)

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year

I see the all the beautiful Christmas Trees
Around the world below,
With the all the lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow..

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here..

For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear as the angels sing..

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year..

I can not tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas?
With our Savior, face to face?

I will ask HIM to light your spirit
As I tell HIM of your love,
So then pray one for another
As you lift your eyes above..

So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I am spending Christmas in heaven
And I am walking with the King!!!

author unknown

20 Things I wish you would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Cylas. The truth is just because you may never seen him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Cylas and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Cylas with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Cylas more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Cylas. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Cylas has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Cylas Mychal, the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Cylas never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 9 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Cylas doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Cylas as a baby and and not just a neo-natal death. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have heard him cry. My baby was a real person.

13.Cylas' due date, his birthday, the day he died and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Cylas) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Cylas has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Cylas Mychal. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Cylas or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Cylas is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you gauruntee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

*adapted and edited from Rainbow Over my Broken Road Thank you Kristi.*

A Poem for Angel Moms

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
GodI want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile

With the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here.

"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.