SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Hey Little Guy!!

Momma is having a rough week. I've had more than my share of sleepless nights. And last night was no different. I don't think I fell asleep until 3 last night and now I am feeling it. I don't know why I am not able to sleep. And then even with being so tired I still can't sleep the next night.

I have so much on my mind so I guess that's what I can blame for me not being able to sleep. So if you could, please send the sand man my way tonight!!

Love you Cylas!!!

43 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday you turned 43 months old. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that number!!! I dreaded the single digits and now its double digits and its just unbelieveable!! This is my "normal". I was told early on that I needed to forget one or the other meaning I should either remember the day you were born or remember the day you died. How do you do that? How is that even right? I don't want to forget anything when it comes to you, Cylas!! Whether its a good or bad memory I want to remember it!!! Those memories make you real, they give meaning to my pain, and they allow me the oppurtunity to talk my precious little boy who had the pudgy face and dark eyes. It still hurts at times to talk about you and I find myself telling people that I still wish you were here and that you would come back.

The song "If heaven wasn't so far away" fits into my life so well. I do wish that heaven was just right outside my door so I could see you and hold you again. I wish it was close so you could still have playdates with your sisters. They both talk about you and they love to see your pictures. I continue to miss you more and more and I send my love to you each and every night. But that doesn't take the place of the hole I have in my heart. And it doesn't replace the hugs and kisses that I could be giving you. You are not in my arms and it's where you should be, its where I want you to be!!!! I have some new flowers and new solar lights for your grave just haven't had time to go put them up there. It's not that I don't want to; I just don't like feeling so empty and sad when I leave.

Happy 43 months in heaven Baby Boy!!! Momma loves you more than anyone could ever know or understand. And I long to hear your little voice say "loves you, mommy!!"

Mommy

ANGELVARSARY #42

On Friday, July 15th  it was 42 months since I last held my handsome little man!!! The time has passed but the pain still remains so real. I've had so much going on the last few weeks it's not even funny!! Boss is hurt and has had to have surgery. Iwodi is a busy little bee and her summer break is winding down and she's had very little break since she's in summer camp. I've been placed in the middle of a family argument and I am trying to keep the peace; to no avail!!! Cylas your family is crazy right now!! Please watch over all of us and keep us safe. Help the little family argument go away so our family can get back together again.

Your uncle finally picked up your headstone from your grandpa's widow. It's taken about 3 years to get it. I haven't even seen it but I am just happy your grandpa thought about you before he passed. You are going to be a special little boy because you have two headstones. They were both purchased by the people who love you the most!!!

I love and miss you very much!!! Please stay close to us!!!

LOVE,
MOM