43 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday you turned 43 months old. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that number!!! I dreaded the single digits and now its double digits and its just unbelieveable!! This is my "normal". I was told early on that I needed to forget one or the other meaning I should either remember the day you were born or remember the day you died. How do you do that? How is that even right? I don't want to forget anything when it comes to you, Cylas!! Whether its a good or bad memory I want to remember it!!! Those memories make you real, they give meaning to my pain, and they allow me the oppurtunity to talk my precious little boy who had the pudgy face and dark eyes. It still hurts at times to talk about you and I find myself telling people that I still wish you were here and that you would come back.

The song "If heaven wasn't so far away" fits into my life so well. I do wish that heaven was just right outside my door so I could see you and hold you again. I wish it was close so you could still have playdates with your sisters. They both talk about you and they love to see your pictures. I continue to miss you more and more and I send my love to you each and every night. But that doesn't take the place of the hole I have in my heart. And it doesn't replace the hugs and kisses that I could be giving you. You are not in my arms and it's where you should be, its where I want you to be!!!! I have some new flowers and new solar lights for your grave just haven't had time to go put them up there. It's not that I don't want to; I just don't like feeling so empty and sad when I leave.

Happy 43 months in heaven Baby Boy!!! Momma loves you more than anyone could ever know or understand. And I long to hear your little voice say "loves you, mommy!!"

Mommy