TOUGH WEEK (ALREADY!!)

It just Wednesday and I already feel like I've been to hell and back!!! Mother's day was rough. I was missing you and I wanted to feel your little arms wrap around my legs and hear you say "I love you, mommy!" I think that will be something I will always miss. I will always long to hold you in my arms. The hurt will always still be so fresh in my memory. I love you Cylas and I hope that you know that.

On Monday night my world fell apart again..............J and I are no longer together. And it seems like he's totally shutting me out!! He said that he needed some time to himself and I didn't fight him on it but now I'm wishing I did. He's battled depression in the past and I want to be there for him. I may not know all the details but I know that it can't be good to shut everybody out!!! I've been trying to find some peace and maybe even wrap my head around this whole thing. But right now I just want to disappear and hide. Every song and everything in my house reminds me of him because he helped me move in and put stuff together. I want to be there for him and I've tried to reach out but I haven't gotten a response. Today his truck wasn't in it's normal spot so of course I'm worried about him. I want to know if he's alright. All I can do is pray for him and continue to let him know that I will be here for him. He told me that he loves me more than anything and I want to hang on to that but I just don't know how long I can do it. I've already been hurt once before and it was really hard to open my heart to him but I did. I'm totally lost and I don't know when I'll be ok. Right now I just cry at any given moment. I miss him!!! Please tell God to help him!!

I hate to come on your blog and put all of this out there but I don't like to talk so I write. Cylas losing you was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I know that the pain will pass but I want to put a rush on it so I can get back to normal, whatever that means!! There is nothing normal about my life anymore. But I want to be that strong woman again not this cry baby I've become. Watch over J. I know that you don't know him but he knows about you. And as always continue to be with us too!!

Love you very much, Mr. Cylas Man!!!!
Mommy