HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY, SON

Wishing you a very happy birthday in heaven!! You are loved and missed everyday! I still think about what might have been and I still see you in every little boy that passes by!

I LOVE YOU BABY BOY!!! I hope you enjoyed your balloons!!

35 MONTHS & A BIRTHDAY

Cylas you have been gone for 35 months. And I still miss you so very much. December is the hardest month for me and January isn't much better! Just know that I love and miss you everyday!! I will carry you in my heart forever and always!!

Please be close to your Nana today, it's her Birthday!! She loves and misses you too!!!

Love,
Mommy

BAH-HUM-BUG

Your birthday is only a couple weeks away and right now its more like the calm before the storm!! I'm trying to find ways to stay busy and occupied and it works for a little while and then I'm back to square one. I haven't even had time to really buy anything for your grave and that stresses me out a lot. The lanterns I ordered have come in but I still need to buy flowers, toys, and balloons! Oh and I need to get a cake. I hate having to stay so occupied!

I've had to go shopping for two different programs and I have announced to everyone that I don't do Christmas and I don't wrap! Some people understand and then some look at me like I'm crazy!! I'm in a Bah-hum-bug kind of mood! I really miss you and every little boy I see reminds me of what might have been!! It just kills my heart. I'm doing the best I can to make it through the holidays without losing it!

AND I have to plan something for Teela's 2nd birthday too!! And I don't want to! Cylas you missed and loved everyday! I think I might be keeping myself sick and I really need to find a way to handle my grief and stress! There are times I don't cry when I need to and then there are times I don't relax when I know I should! All I know is that I want to be here for your sisters! Cylas please help me figure out what I need to do! Please stay close to everyone, epecially your sisters!!

Trying to stay strong,
MOMMY

DECEMBER 1, 2010

Today is December 1st!! Around here everyone is running around like crazy people. We received our per capita today so everyone on the REZ will be RICH for a little while! Me, I'm not crazy most of mine will go to the house. I pay the house payment up for 6 months, it's just one less thing to worry about. And of course, I have to buy a few Christmas gifts (gift cards) for my loved ones. I have no idea what I am going to get your sisters for Christmas. I've told them that they won't get anything from me because I want to buy them a swing set for our new house and I want to save money for that. But I might still surprise them and get them something small. But the swing set will definitely be a good gift they just won't get it until it warms up around here.

I have ordered some lanterns that we will be sent off on your Birthday. I am always looking for something new to honor you and the lanterns are it!! They were featured in the movie Tangled and I absolutely fell in love with them. I also need to get you some new flowers and toys for your grave. I'll have to look for that stuff this weekend. I am dreading what's coming. I am dreading Christmas but that is nothing new. I would much rather disappear then actually sit here and wait for it to get here. Your 3rd birthday is 23 days away and Teela's 2nd birthday is 22 days away. I don't want to punish Teela and not celebrate her but I'm just not in the mood. Does that sound crazy or wrong?

I don't know I guess I'll figure it out. Thinking about you Little Man!!!

Mommy loves you very much!!!!!!!