35 MONTHS OLD TODAY

I didn't want to forget to post something today. Cylas today you are one month closer to turning 3 and it's so hard to believe!!! You may have only been in my life for a short time but you have forever left a huge void in my life. I am trying to be happy and positive and enjoy the upcoming holidays but I find it so hard. This month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I've had days where I felt like I could crawl under a rock and hide for the next month or so and then there are days when everything is alright and I feel like I can make it. I let your sister pick out some things for your grave last week and I hope to make it to see you soon.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I hate to say it but it's hard to be thankful when what you wish for the most is no longer here. I would give anything to get you back. I would love to be chasing around three little monkeys!! Being a mom has been the best thing to happen to me. I love being a mom and I have been blessed with three little lives. You were only 3 weeks old when you died but I did my very best to make sure you knew you were loved and wanted. I regret everyday that I wasn't able to keep you from getting sick. Deep down I still blame myself but it's not as much as I used to. I have learned that I can't be superMOM and that babies get sick, but it's still so hard to believe that your gone.

Everyone around me is talking about decorating and buying Christmas gifts and I make a face and stick my tongue out. I am so not in the mood to do any of that. I know that I have your sisters to decorate for but Prairie has gotten use to seeing her mom unenthused by all the drama of Christmas. Teela is just now starting to notice whats going on. And I must admit she's cute when she gets excited over seeing lit up trees and all the Christmas inflatables that people have in their yards. So I know that she gets to see that stuff I don't necessarily have to run out and buy it. She says Can Cause for Santa Claus and Christmas Mees for Christmas Trees!!

But to sum it all up: I MISS YOU. I WANT YOU HERE TO BE A PART OF ALL THE FUN. I WANT MY LITTLE MAN BACK. I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE LIGHT UP AND I WANT TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON WITH ALL THREE OF MY BABIES NOT JUST TWO!!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WILL PLAY OUT THIS YEAR. IT SEEMS LIKE EACH YEAR I FEEL DIFFERENT ABOUT THE SITUATION.

Prairie and I have decided that we will send you a ton of ballons for your birthday, we'll buy you some new flowers & toys for your grave, and even have a birthday cake on your birthday. I want to do this and I want to make sure you know that we still love you and think about you often. I still need to find a special ornament for you this year. I just haven't had a chance to look. I have alot to get done. I just don't feel like doing it.

HAPPY 35 MONTHS IN HEAVEN CYLAS MYCHAL!!! YOU ARE LOVED AND MISSED EVERYDAY!!!!

MOMMY

34 MONTHS

My sweet little Cylas, you have been gone for 34 months today. I would like to say that it has gotten easier but it has not. Yesterday your sister asked me to read "Dancing on the Moon" and I broke down as I was reading it. It is still so hard for me to make it through that book. But she loves it because it reminds her that you never far away and that you are always in her heart.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you today and always will! I love you baby boy!!!

Mom

YOUR BRICK

Cylas I purchased a brick that is on display now at your sister's school. I just wanted to show you what it looks like.

SOME THOUGHTS

Cylas you have been weighing heavy on my mind. With all of these "family" holidays coming up how can I not!! As I live my life here on earth and I have your sisters here with me I smile but it's a smile that I have to force. I can't ever smile and know that's it's for REAL! Last night I was thinking about your funeral and how robotic my movements and emotions seemed to be. I was so frozen and only moved when I was told to move. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't frozen. I often thought about asking people to clear the church and leave me alone with you, just you and me, without everyone's eye's watching me like a hawk! I think that if I had that chance I would have taken you and ran for it. We would have hidden somewhere and I would have held you in my arms as long as I wanted, with no interuptions, no time limit. I mean I would have relinguished my hold on you but I just feel like I didn't have enough time. I would have done everything in my power to press the pause button and just spend time with you. I wasn't ready to let you go and I wasn't ready to watch them throw dirt on you. I wasn't ready to leave you alone in the cold and darkness of death! I wanted my little baby back. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I was hoping someone would pinch me and everything would have been just been one big, bad dream! But we're closing in on 3 years and I'm still living in this nightmare. I'm still reading about other parents who have lost their children. Will this ever end? How much pain must be endured before it stops?

Cylas mommy is missing you! I have a big huge hole in my heart that should be filled with your love and it's not. Please watch over me and your sisters. The holidays never get any easier but I keep moving forward and I keep looking ahead.

I love you Cylas very much!!!!!