34 MONTHS OLD

Yesterday my Cylas turned 34 months old in heaven. These days never get any easier!!! Whenever I give my girls a hug I always know that he is missing. I was reminded of that this morning. I had both of them on my lap and I mentioned that someone was missing and P automatically said "it's Cylas mom, he should be in the middle!" As we creep closer and closer to December I don't know if I should dread it or just embrace it! I mean this year T turns 2 and Cylas will turn 3 and I have someone new in my life who might not understand why I'm so sad. My life has changed just a little and I still don't know if its for the good or bad. Because I know that no one will understand why I feel the way I do. I know that my family tries to understand but they can still never grasp what I'm really feeling. And my love knows about Cylas and he knows that I do still miss him but I often wonder if he will understand me. Or if he'll think I'm over reacting. I haven't had the chance to visit or decorate Cylas' grave in quite a while. Just don't have the $$$ to do anything. I am going back to school to be a CNA and see where that takes me. My girls are growing and getting so beautiful. T is talking more and P is getting so tall! She's more mature than I could ever imagine. I can't help but picture Cylas as this little man running wild wanting to play ball or wrestle all the time. He'd probably be running around in his undies. I miss him so much and I see him in every little boy that I see. My heart just aches so much!! My girls are missing their brother and they are missing that special bond that siblings should have. It's just unfair and hard to try and make through the day with a smile on my face. In two months I'll be celebrating a birthday for a child who isn't here, he won't get to blow out his candles or unwrap presents. Instead I will fight my way through the tears and buy him some new flowers and toys for his grave and sending him messages on balloons from his family. This is my reality and somehow I have managed to survive.