CONVERSATIONS ABOUT CYLAS

Last night was a diffucult night, why? I don't know. Prairie wanted to talk about Cylas. It might not have been the best decision but we talked about day and/or evening he died, depending on how to look at it. She missed that and for good reason. During the most devastating time of my families life Prairie was at our cousins house. She was unaware of the events that were unfolding. But I knew that would be the best place for her.

I told her about how much his appearance had changed since the last time she had seen him. He was all swollen, his arms up over his head because he wasn't able to lay them at his side, and just the way he was breathing I knew that would have been hard for her to see. She understands why I didn't want her to be there and now says that she didn't want to see him die. Of course, I didn't tell her all the details but just enough to help her understand.

I told her how hard it was for me to "wait" for him to die and that I only wanted to save him. And then once he did pass away, I told her about how badly I wanted him back and I still want him back. When the doctor called his time of death I was right there holding his little hand and running my fingers through his thick black hair with tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't scream or wail out but I knew that I had lost him. I think the robot mode started almost immediately. It didn't get bad until I got home and realized my baby wasn't with me. His pictures from the hospital were laying on the table waiting to be opened, so I opened them. His crib was empty and cold. My mom asked me if I was going to be able to sleep and I simply said I don't know. I had a very long night. I was listening for him to breath and even waiting for him to wake up for that early morning feeding............but all I heard was nothing but silence.........dead silence.

We talked about when she came from our cousin's house and how I told her that her brother went to heaven. She broke my heart all over again because she didnt' want to believe it. She thought I was going back to the hospital to pick him up just like I had 2 weeks before. We sat in our bedroom and cried. Then I gave her Stripes and told her about his "special powers". Needless to say, Stripes slept in her arms last night as she cried herself to sleep. I feel so bad for her. She misses her brother alot more than I realize. But she tries her best to keep going too!

I asked Cylas to be with her and help her through out the day. She sent him messages through Stripes and I know that he was sitting on his special cloud just waiting to receive them. So instead of bedtime stories at our house, we have conversations about Cylas. She talks about some of the same things I talk about you know what she misses about him. Apparently, she really loved those chubby cheeks. Those cheeks are everyone's favorite.

Cylas, you are missed everyday and the only assurance we have is that you'll live on forever in our hearts and we'll see you again one day. And on another note, your sister told me last night that if she ever has a son his name will be Cylas, in honor of her awesome, brave brother who now sleeps in an Angel's arms.

Mom