WAS IT A BLESSING?

I know that's a strange question. I've spent many hours and days thinking about this one word since you've died. Was I blessed to have lost you? Was it a blessing that you died? Why would anyone say it was a blessing to lose a child? I know that I don't or didn't see it as a blessing, that's a hard decision. In my heart I wish so badly that you were still here with me growing up right beside your sister(s).

I've had many family members tell me that maybe it was for the best. Even though I hated hearing comments like that I still wasn't disrespectful and I didn't bite their heads off. But this morning as I was taking Teela to school my friends mother who volunteers as a "grandma", she was out front when I came through the door. She looked at me and said "Sarah, do you know you're blessed? Do you know that God blessed you? When your baby died, he made a way for Teela to come into your life. He knew that SHE was going to need someone to love her and knew you would be the one for the job." She went on to say that I have two beautiful little girls. And I know this. I know that I'm blessed to have my daughters. I love them with all my heart. But in the back of my mind I still want my little boy.

27 months ago I was blessed with a handsome little boy who made my heart skip beats. After everything that happened to me during the nine months I carried him, he was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. My life was complete. I wanted a little boy my whole life. I think boys are so much easier to take care of than girls and I couldn't wait to have one of my own. I couldn't wait to play ball with him. I couldn't wait for him to get first hair cut, a mohawk, of course. I couldn't wait to hear him say "momma". I couldn't wait for him to be meaner than snake. And I couldn't wait..................well let's just say I couldn't wait for a whole bunch of things to happen.

I felt blessed and then in a little over four days I didn't feel so blessed anymore. Because when my little boy was only 3 weeks old his little life came to a end. My heart was broken and it still is. My little boy, the child that I wanted so desperately was taken from me. Then along came the question: Why? I kept hearing all kinds of advice from my family, a family who I loved but I know didn't understand the pain I felt. They kept telling me to be strong when all I wanted to do was fall to peices. They kept telling me not to cry when all I wanted to do was fill an ocean with my tears. They kept telling me everything was going to be alright when I knew it wasn't. I mean how will it be alright when a part of you missing.

Then I went home from the hospital and realized I had another little life to think about. I had been so focused on Cylas and getting him better, while his big sister was at home waiting for "us" to come home. Then my heart broke all over again because I didn't know how to tell her he was in heaven and he wouldn't be coming home. Aside from losing him, telling her was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Our lives were empty. We were both just going through the motions. I tried my best to answer her questions and she was trying her best to understand my answers. We picked up the peices of our heart and struggled through the rest of the year. Then in December of 2008 Teela was born, a day before Cylas' first birthday. Immediately, even without seeing her I knew she would make a difference in my life. I knew that her mom wasn't able to take care of her and a part of me was just waiting.

I was scared and wondering how Cylas felt knowing that his momma was connected to another baby. I didn't meet Teela until about a week or so after she was born and up until then I didn't have anything to do with anyone's baby. I avoided babies all together. Then when I seen her I couldn't help but let some of the walls that I had build around my already fragile heart fall. I held her the whole time, not eating New Year's dinner. It was just me and Teela. She was so small, nothing compared to Cylas. Cylas was a hoss and a future football player. I had begun hearing all the horror stories of Teela's life. I cried for her because I knew she didn't deserve to live with parents who were on drugs. Her dad was violent and I was worried about her safety.

My dad, his only concern was for me. He didn't want me to take her in. He was worried about me getting attached to her only to have them take her away. But for some reason I was only worried about her, it wasn't until she was already living with us that I started thinking about losing her. She has been with us for a year and I hardly have any contact with her mom. Everyone has accepted Teela has mine. She has truly helped my heart. But I think Cylas will always be apart of my life. I think there's always going to be what if or what might have been. I mean that's all I have when it comes to him. Teela has bounced over many milestones some they said she would never do. Cylas is sharing his mommy with Teela and through Teela I am seeing what I missed with Cylas. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes I laugh because I can only imagine how busy my life would have been with a 27 month old and a 15 month old.

I guess you could say I am just now beginning to feel blessed again. But you know when you fall in the pit you never know how long you'll stay in there. I still have my moments. I still have days when I want to crawl under a rock and stay for about a year but those days are few and far between. My heart is full of love for my children. I send my love to Cylas every day and every night. I carry him with me every where I go. I keep his memory alive and I don't let no one forget about my Cylas. When Teela is old enough to understand I'll tell her about her big brother. I'll tell her that he was a brave little boy and that he made his journey to heaven earlier so he could find the perfect place for his family to spend their eternity.

So I guess after all of that I am blessed for what I have and had. Cylas will never die, he'll live on in our hearts forever. Prairie and Teela will grow up always remembering their brother and that's all I can ask for. Like I said, I love my children. I love them with all my heart and I am blessed.