26 MONTHS OLD

Wow, I can't believe how old you are getting. It's unbelieveable. You were my greatest gift in life. I've dreamt of having a little boy and I finally get you, only to have you taken away 3 weeks later. It's a sad reality but it's become my life. I don't know what it is about boys that make momma's want them so badly. I guess in my case it's because both your sisters act just like me and that's bad.

I wanted to have my sweet little boy. I want to have a little boy that was sweet and huggable around mama and then rotten around everyone else, HA!!! It's been so hard knowing what I am missing. I had so much that I wanted to do with you. I couldn't wait to teach you to play ball. I wanted to watch you try and kick a ball for the first time. That would have been funny.

There's just something about a boy that warms a mom's heart. Don't get me wrong I love the girls but I miss my boy so very much. I wanted you here so bad. I still want you here. There is no amount of time that can change that. I'll be 80 years old and have grown daughters and probably grand babies and I'll still be missing you. But I guess that's a momma's heart. That's something that doesn't change. You took a peice of my heart with you and I will always have that peice missing no matter how old I get.

HAPPY 26 MONTHS, BABY BOY!!

Love your,
Mommy

2 YEARS, 1 MONTH, & 3 DAYS

I realized on Monday after I posted a Valentine's message what the date was. I did not intend on forgetting what the date was and what it meant for me.

It's been two years and one month since I had to say goodbye to my precious son. I still wish everyday that you were here and I still miss you just as much.

Dealing with RSV is a scary thing and I had to be on top of things with Teela. She's feeling much better and is back at school today. I am keeping my fingers crossed that she was ready to go back out into the world.

I am pretty sure you have heard your sister's conversations about you lately. You are talked about more than anyone I know. We talk about the what if's and could've beens. It's always a bittersweet moment for us but I love that she so openly talks about you. I love it!

Missing you,
Mommy

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

I know I'm a day late,son. But I did not forget about you. The weather has been so sucky lately. I haven't even had a chance to deliver your V-Day gifts. I LOVE YOU FOREVER and ALWAYS!

It's MOM

I'm trying out my new blackberry. Ur baby sis is sick. She's got RSV.

ONE STEP CLOSER.........

This was in T's nose

Cylas, over the weekend I upgraded my phone to a blackberry curve. I'm still trying to figure it out. But I love it. I helped Nana get her first cell phone and I also helped your uncle Jason get another phone. This is like his 3rd phone in less than a year. He doesn't know how to take care of his stuff and it's getting very expensive to him "mobile".

I also bought some Valentine's day stuff for your sisters and you. I'll have to take a picture of your things and post them on here. Right now you have 3 balloons and a tiger in a red basket. I'm hoping the weather will stay pretty and I can take them to you. You still don't have any flowers. You have that one birthday arrangement that your sister picked out and that's it. The stores don't have any pretty ones available yet, but I'm always looking.

Your sisters 6th birthday is next month and I think I already have everything figured out. I'm taking her and 4 friends to Chuck E. Cheese's. She's been bugging and bugging me to take her and I've finally broken down and made the reservations for her party. She's very excited. Lately she's been having a rough time. She's really been missing you. Stripes has been so helpful. He's been back in our bed for the last two weeks and he goes on every trip we've made. I hope you are getting all the love she has beens ending your way. She's always talking to Stripes telling him to make sure he tells you how much she misses you and loves you. Please stay close to her. I hate it when she's like this because there isn't much I can do to help her. She breaks my heart.

She went with me to watch Legion on Friday and she made me feel so bad. She heard one of the characters say that all those zombie like beings were angels she looked at me and said "mommy, I thought angels were supposed to be nice. Does this mean that Cylas will be a bad angel too one day?" Then she said "I don't want him to be a bad angel." I had to explain to her that Legion is just a movie and she has nothing to worry about. I felt bad because at that moment and time her perception of angels was taking a turn for the worse. I think she finally understands the concept. I cried for a few minutes and held her in my arms. My poor little girl.

On another note, I will never forget what a child can get into. Your little sister T had a pine cone looking thing come out of nose a week and a half ago. I don't know how it got in there. We watch her so close. I think she's going to be a handfull when she gets older. She's growing like a weed.

Continuing my journey without you, forever loving you and keeping you in my heart,
Mommy

IT'S FEBRUARY

Goodbye January!!! HELLO February!!!!!

January posting ended on a bad note for me. I wrote about those nasty fakers and how they made me feel. I'm feeling  good about things now, especially since I did vent about the situation.

Not much to talk about today. I've had my fill of winter weather, which I hate. I love the cold I just wish we could go without the freezing rain and snow. I'm not ready to say goodbye to the cold since I love it so much but I am ready to send my kids outside to play.