IT'S DECEMBER

Today is the first day of December, where has the time gone? I wish we had all the time in the world, but it doesn't stop for anything. It didn't stop when you died, and it sure as HELL doesn't stop when you feel like your world is falling apart. And I have to say I feel that way more than I should. But I manage to hold it all together for the sake of my girls. They don't need to see Mommy completely breaking down. I try to hold it all in because I don't have much time to myself, but when I do I take advantage of it.

On December 15th your 23rd month Angelvarsary will be here. And then on December 24th you'll be two years old. Last year those days were hard and I'm not sure if this time around is going to be harder or not. Everyone gets hit on a different level for different things, so I think I'm still waiting for something to happen. I know that I diffinitely miss having a two year around to chase from here to there. There are a ton of things I miss but it's a really long list and it's probably a list I've mentioned over and over. But it's the truth. You never quite get over anything and you don't ever get over missing something important that should be happening.

I've been dreading December all year long mainly because I never know how to act. Should I be the GRINCH or should I have a smiling face because of the girls. Who knows? And as much as I hate December I can't stand January. It seems like someone in my life always passes away in January. It really sucks. If I knew I could get away with it I would sleep on through to February. I can feel my chest getting heavy and I feel that huge lump in the back of my throat. All I know to do is take a deep breathe and keep moving. I have pictures of you on my desk and I look at them all day and wish. Often fighting back the flood of tears I know want to escape from my eyes. No one ever said being the mom of a angel is easy and I will tell anyone that it's not. It's not fun. You have to live the rest of your life missing, loving, wondering, wishing, & wanting what you lost back and it never happens. The hole that is left in your heart gets filled only to be emptied again on the next birthday or angelvarsary.

Cylas, Mommy is missing you so much. Dreading the weeks ahead but trying to hold my head up high.