THINKING & I'M SORRY

Cylas I know that I really haven't had one of those sit down and cry moments in a while. To be precise, I haven't done that since March when your "new" little sister came into my life. And it's not because I don't miss you, I do!!! I miss you every single day. I still wish every day that you could come back. But I just don't feel the need to cry anymore. Teela and Prairie definitely keep me busy, but that's so not the point of this post.

I often wondered what it would be like not to cry for you or over you. I wondered if that meant I was done or if it meant I had already forgotten all that I had gone through. To answer those sentences: NO!! I have not forgotten and I am not DONE. My heart is still broken, though it's healing very, very slowly. I refuse to sit back and erase you from my memory and my life. And I'm not done crying for you, I just don't feel the need to anymore. I am still very sad, very hurt, & very lost. I have a child in heaven and that's not normal. I should have all my children here with me. You will be 19 months old in a few days and I intend on reminding my family. (I always do) I still remember your angel date and I will forever and always remember your date of birth. I guess I just never thought my tears would end and it's scary for me. It's scary and it makes me feel bad.

I'm sorry for not crying. I'm sorry for being disconnected from you. I'm sorry that you didn't get to live a full and happy life. I'm sorry that you have to watch us grow and move forward without you. I'm sorry.......................................:(

Cylas, you are forever in my heart. I will always love you and I can't wait until I am able to hold you in my arms again. You will always be my little prince. I miss you so much, I don't even have the words to explain how much I miss you. Mommy has not forgotten about you and my heart still aches. I'm just trying to stay focused on my little rainbow and your big sister. They are both getting so big.

Always thinking about you and apologizing for leaving you out (sometimes)

Mommy