I've spent this week not focusing on Mother's day. It's just another day. But don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my daughter and for Teela. I love being Prairie's mother and I like being a "stand-in" Mom for Teela. But I also feel so much saddness. And I only speak the truth when I say I am a BROKEN mother. It's because I am. My heart is still broken. My life is torn apart. When Cylas died a part of me died with him. I think about all the stuff I'll never see him do or say. I think about what he should be doing right now in this moment and time. The other night I was praying, thanking God for the mercies he's had on me. Thanking him for Prairie and Teela. Asking God to keep them safe and asking him to help me be the best mother I can be. I was thanking him for my day.................and then the thought crossed my mind, I haven't even begun to thank him for MY time with CYLAS. All I've done is ask WHY? So right then and there, I did tell him "thank you" for my son. Thank you for letting me hold him in my arms. Thank you for allowing me to love him now and forever. Thank you for letting him stay for 3 weeks. Thank you for bringing him into my life. I also told God that I will probably never understand his reasoning for making my son an angel, but that I knew he was only doing the right thing at that time. I asked God to give Cylas a message from me. I told him to let Cylas know how much I loved him and missed him. I told him to ask Cylas to always stay close to his sisters and keep them safe. And I also told him to tell Cylas that there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish he was still here.
So, even though Mother's Day is just another day, I know that it's meant for special mom's, broken or whole. I know that dead baby mama's still fit into the category, I just haven't quite figured out where? To the world our babies are gone and we should get over it, but the world doesn't know our pain!! We are angel mom's and we are strong. Our love has to travel from earth to heaven on a daily basis. It takes a special woman to be an angel mom. It's not always easy, but somehow through it all we manage to survive.
(HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! to whoever reads this post.)
Cylas' Mommy
On Sunday, May 24th you turned 17 months old. I've been having a hard time, but keeping it to myself. I don't tell anyone, because no one seems to understand. I love you and miss you very much. Always remember that.
For some reason, I have nothing to say. My whole week has been BLAH!! I even had to make myself give this blog a face life. Cylas, I hope you like the monkeys. I am a monkey person. I've collected tons of monkeys, but don't know where they all are at the moment. So I thought monkeys would be a fun new look. ENJOY!
Cylas, mommy is missing you today and always. I can't believe it's been 16 months. I know that I have missed so much, but the list grows daily. Prairie has been talking about you lately. I know that she's always going to miss you too. I only hope that it gets easier for her as time passes. I am trying my best to help her with her pain. I remind her that you will always live on in heart, but I know that one day those words might not work. Continue to watch over her and Teela. Teela is new in our life, but I will tell her about her big brother. I won't let anyone forget you. 
I've spent this week not focusing on Mother's day. It's just another day. But don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my daughter and for Teela. I love being Prairie's mother and I like being a "stand-in" Mom for Teela. But I also feel so much saddness. And I only speak the truth when I say I am a BROKEN mother. It's because I am. My heart is still broken. My life is torn apart. When Cylas died a part of me died with him. I think about all the stuff I'll never see him do or say. I think about what he should be doing right now in this moment and time. 
Is there still a "mother's day?" I was reading a post and it suddenly hit me that Mother's day is this coming Sunday. I haven't even been paying attention to the dates or the events. Since I lost my baby I don't feel like a mother, even though I still have Prairie and I've added Teela, I don't feel like a mother. I am incomplete!!! Does that sound crazy? I don't think so. I think it's totally fine for me to feel this way. I am a broken mother. I am missing a child. NO mother should feel this way about such a wonderful day. But I do and I don't know how to change my feelings.