Tomorrow

Tomorrow you will be 10 months old, and it is yet another date that I don't get to share with you. I keep thinking about all the stuff I am missing and there are times I get so angry I just don't know what to do. Everytime I see another baby my eyes fill up with tears. I guess I am reminded of what I don't have and it hurts all over again. Last year at this time I was on bed rest and counting down to the day when I would be able to hold you in my arms. I think I was about 31 weeks and I was just hoping that I could make it to at least 36 weeks before I delievered. I was planning on you coming early, but that didn't happen.

I am so worried about next Friday. I am trying to sort out my thoughts and I am trying to prepare myself for what I might hear. I am also thinking ahead in regards to the settlement, if there is one. And on that note I think I am in for a fight. According to the law your "dad" is NOT entitled to any part of the settlement because he abandoned us while I was pregnant and when you died we were already divorced. I honestly don't think he deserves to become rich off a son he didn't claim so I will hire a lawyer and I will fight to keep him from receiving any money. I know that I sound greedy but I am not. Your "dad" really hurt me when he denied you and I don't think it's fair that he is sitting around with his hands open waiting for the money to fall into his hands. I am not the same person I was before I lost you and your "dad" is probably thinking that he can do me in and I won't do anything about it, well that is not going to happen. But aside from the settlement, the only thing I want is you. I would rather have you more than any amount of money in the world. I wish I could say that your "dad" felt the same way.

Cylas, please stay close by from now until next Friday. I am going to need you more than anyone could know. I only want to do the right thing by you and since I couldn't save you I will try my best to make sure no one does you wrong. I am going to make sure your "dad" doesn't get anything from this case since you were not his son. You were my son, and I loved you with all my heart!!

Mommy

(Sorry this is a day early, but I won't be able to post tomorrow)