I am dreading tomorrow

Tomorrow is Friday, and it's a day that I've been dreading all this month. The reason I am dreading tomorrow is because I have another meeting with my lawyer. Just like the last time I don't know what to expect, and not knowing is harder than knowing at all. I don't know if I am ready for this meeting. I've been trying to pick up the pieces of my life and now I am back to square one. I am back to being that little child uncertain about what to do. I have a dozen thoughts going through my mind. There are so many things I want to know, but yet at the same time I don't want to know. Then again I have to wonder if I am ready for this journey. I wonder if I can handle what I will hear. I wonder if I will be able to keep my head on straight, and keep from totally losing it. I am so scared and nervous about tomorrow. That knot in the pit of my stomach is still there getting bigger by the minute. I've had headaches all week long due to all the worrying. The lawyer has told me that all he wants to do is talk about the success or the failure of this case, and with a statement like that it's hard to see if I have a case or not, and if I do have a case, can it be won? I know that I definitely don't want the hospital to get away with what they did to you. I want them to held accountable for your death. I even want them to admit that they did you wrong. I want to them to look me in the eyes and tell me that they killed you. I want the hospital to look at me and see how much pain and heartache they have caused in my life. I lost my only son, and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I want to make sure I have the answers I need to give me closure and as much as I know it could hurt me, I still want to know and I know that deserve closure. Nothing will ever bring you back, but I want to make sure that you know I am doing what I can to make this right. I want to make sure that the people responsible pay for their mistake. I want to make sure they know that they have a son away from his mother, and a brother away from his sister. I want them to know that our lives are totally turned upside down and that we are still searching for our "normal". Will it ever come? Who knows. Maybe?

I've decided that I am going to do things different with this visit. I am not riding with my EX & his mother. I am taking my big brother with me and by doing this I am hoping that I might feel more secure. I always feel like I am getting attacked with I am with my Ex and his mother. They expect me to be over losing you by now and that's going to happen. It's not going to happen for me. They may be over losing you, they are both enjoying their lives with their "New" significant others. My Ex already had somebody else before we even separated and he's continued to enjoy his life and his mother broke things off with her husband for someone else too!! All they both out of this case is the money. His mom thinks all her good deeds will make up for her son not being there when you were so sick, and that I will just sit back and let them collect off you like I don't care. Well I have to say that they both something else coming to them. I am not going to sit here and them take advantage of the situation. I am your mom, I never said that you were not my son, I was there when you were so sick, I was there for you when no one else was. I am mother who lost her son and I know that I can never get you back no matter how much I try and ask God to send you back to me and your sister. I am the one who had to suffer to bring you into the world and I am the one who felt you move and grow way before they even knew you. I will do what's right. I've loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant and I will love you until the day that I die.

I have a headache right now and I know that it's because of my stress and thinking about tomorrow so much does not help. Cylas, please be close to me tomorrow. Give me the strength I need to make it through.

Mommy