The Countdown Begins

Today is Monday so that makes it 4 days until I meet with the lawyer again. My anxiety is already building. I am so nervous and scared. I am not sure what will happen this time. Will I hear good news or bad news? Will my heart be in even more pain after this meeting? Will I be able to be strong enough to sit there and listen to what the lawyer has to say? Will I hear that your death was "natural"? Or will I hear that if your treated differently you would still be here? Will I hear that it was my fault? Will I hear that I did something wrong while I was pregnant with you? Will I hear that I do have a case against the hospital? Or will I hear that I don't have a case? If we do have a case, then how successful will we be?

I've already started losing sleep over this big date coming up. I have a huge knot in the pit of my stomach. I worry so much. I try to stay busy and not think about it but now that it's this Friday there's not much I can do to keep from freaking out. I tried to be prepared and tell myself that everything was going to be ok. The last time I told myself that everything was going to be ok was right after I had you and we were still in the hospital. I asked God to look over us and keep us in his grip. I prayed for you asking him to place his healing hand upon you and asked him to let everything work out. I thanked him for giving me a beautiful little boy to finish off my family. But now that I've lost you, I often wonder if I counted my blessings too soon. I wonder if I was being punished for my failed marriage. I wonder if I was unworthy to have such a wonderful gift of life placed in my hands.

The more I think about this the more enclosed I feel. I feel like I am in a huge box that's filling up fast. I HATE FEELING SO LOST IN MY THOUGHTS. I HATE DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I HATE THAT INSTEAD OF ENJOYING YOU I AM HAVING TO WAIT ON SOME RESULTS THAT I AM NOT SURE I WANT TO HEAR!!!

Cylas, I miss you so much!!!

Mommy