Sorry, SON

Sorry Cylas, but I didn't get a chance to visit you yesterday like I had planned. But I didn't do it on purpose, sometimes it's best if I just stay busy and keep moving. I keep telling myself that I don't have time to break down and cry, because I have to do this or that, but I am really trying to hide the fact that I still miss you so much. I thought about you all day long and just kept thinking about how big you might be if you were still here. And I've said it before but some days are better than others and I think it's going to be that way for a while. You are 8 months old now, and I can't imagine what you might have been like no matter how hard I try. I am always so STRESSED and I am trying to work on that but nothing seems to work or help.

Just a little while ago it was raining here and I started thinking "Cylas is getting wet!" And I felt tears building up and I had to make them go away before I cried or they streamed down my cheeks. Those kind of thoughts hurt me, because I can't protect you from that rain. I mean I couldn't even protect you when you were here, so what makes it so different now! KWIM? I beat myself up sometimes. I want you back in my arms. I want to see you and your sister bond. She tells me that she wants another brother or sister, I guess she gets lonely, but I don't have a response for her. I am not dating nor do I have anyone in mind. I don't want to go through another pregnancy. I keep telling my self that I'll adopt, but I don't know how to get that process started. I am just not ready for anything else right now. I am the only person who knows when I'll be ready and right now I know that I am not

I wanted to apologize to you for not visiting with you yesterday. I owe you some new flowers and I will get those this week for sure. I am pretty sure Momma can be a little late with her visit, right! I also wanted to let you know that I didn't, haven't, and never will forget about you. I love you and miss you all the time. If I could move heaven and earth to bring you back to me I would. My aunt was talking about you the other day and she said that God took you from us because your daddy denied you and it was God's way of showing that he can give and he can take. I don't know about that, but I thought to myself, but I wanted him, did my thoughts or actions not count for anything in that decision. Cylas, mommy wanted you more than anything and I never left you. I was there for you and I hope you felt me. I know that humans are very selfish and we have alot of wants and we have a lot of it's about me, not you in this world. I am selfish because I want you here. But do you blame me?

XOXOXO,

Mommy