GROWING UP

Here are some recent pictures of your sisters, Cylas. They are growing up on us!! The picture on top is T goofing off (she does this at every photo session & has to have at least one or two goofy pictures in the mix). Iwodi will be 10 next month.........I mean really 10!!! I can't get over how much she has grown. She has a gentle heart. I love all 3 of you with all my heart!!

Please continue watching over these two crazy girls.......they love and miss you so much!!!!

Love you little man,
MOMMY

THE MESSAGE

A few nights ago I was sleeping. I started dreaming. In that dream I was in a hospital setting. And Cylas was in a hospital bed. He was a little older...maybe 6 or 7 months...his hair was longer and he was laughing and playing around. But he was healthy....I was trying to take in this dream as much as I could.

Since Cylas has been gone which has been 6 years I've only dreamed about him one other time and that dream scared me to death...it was a dream that I wasn't ready for. But this dream I needed it.

Right before I woke up, I heard a voice (haven't figured out whose voice) say "He's doing good!!" As soon as I woke up I had a smile on my face and my heart felt so much lighter. I knew that was Cylas or maybe someone else letting me know that I didn't have to worry as much. Since that night I still feel so much lighter. My son IS ok!!

I will miss him forever that's not something that's easy to let go. I love him with my whole heart and he will always be my son.

So until the next time I receive a new message I will remember this one!! I will know that he is doing good!!! Cylas you are my angel!!!!

Love you forever & always,
Mommy

JUST DROPPING IN

Hey Cylas!!

Trying to get better at keeping you updated. I just have a few things to report. Your sister was named 2nd runner up in the LMC pageant and she couldn't be happier. I was really hoping she would win but I guess her time will come. At least she's broken hearted this time around.

T had some dental surgery last week but did surprisingly well. Now she can't get over her "new" teeth, LOL. She's one crazy little chick.

I'm trying my best to stay of the deep dark pit..............last year wasn't easy for me. I truly believe it when they said the 5th year is the hardest. It was just so hard to get motivated to do anything. I'm hoping that this year will be a little easier. I was actually thinking about asking my family to make boxes for children who don't really have a Christmas and donate them in your honor. I did that last year and it helped a little. I just don't know how people would participate, you know. I always try so hard to keep it between me and your sisters..........I sometimes forget to include or ask anyone else. But I'm going to try my son.........I really am.

Your Nan and Pop are doing good. They keep themselves busy and I still spend my evenings at their house helping Nan cook and everything. I enjoy my time with them as much as I can.

Please come visit. I miss you so much............and these next 4 months are gonna be hard for me. I could really use a heavenly hug and an angel kiss from you!!!

I love you Cylas and I always will!!!

Your Mommy

HEY SON

Hey Cylas!! It's Mommy!! Just thought I was stop by and let you know that I love you very much and miss you more and more each day. The days have been a little better for me. We finally got your nana settled and she's made her own plans, so I don't feel like I have the whole world on my shoulders. I'm still sad that her future looks so bleak but right now all we can do is be there for her and support her. She's still mom and nana and we love her. Pop insists that he's ok...........for now but I do still worry about him.

Your sister is running for Little Miss Cherokee again...........wish her luck and watch over her up there. I hate seeing her heart broken when she doesn't win but she's brave enough to get out there in front of all those people....I'm proud of her. This will be her last year in this age group. It has been alot of work. I am trying to get all her sponsors lined up and it isn't easy. I've got to order her candy, her car magnets, and work on getting her outfits together. Whew!!!

Your little sister has started Pre-K and she loves it. She even rides the big bus to and from school. She looks so cute sitting on the porch with Pop waiting for the bus. I hate that she has to ride the bus alone but until Iwodi is done at New Kituwah they can't be in school together. I'm just relieved that she loves big school. Iwas worried about her. She is growing like a weed!!

But I am pretty sure you know what's going on. Your crazy sisters keep me going. These next few months will not be fun for me but I hope I am able to make it through in one piece. I hate thinking about your birthday. Sometimes I even lost in thought thinking your going to be a certain age only to remember your real age. Your going to be six this year and would have been in Kindergarten. I don't know what you want to be for Halloween.......I can only begin to imagine......maybe a ninja turtle or iron man.....I think you would make a very cute Ninja Turtle, LOL. I hope I don't get depressed this year. Last year was really hard for me. I try my best to stay busy but sometimes it doesnt help.

Continue watching over us from up there on your cloud. Send your some sister some good luck and maybe even help her win the title of Little Miss Cherokee!!! Watch over T and me as well. Visit your nan and pops as often as you can, They miss you too!! Tell everyone up there that I said Hello and that I love and miss them.

Love you baby boy!!!
Mom

BE WITH US

Baby Boy I am getting ready to head to the hospital and it's not a trip I've been looking forward to. Your Nana needs to make some tough decisions today and we have to be there with her. Of course this conversation is going to very hard and I pray for strength to make it through this session. I'm not ready to talk about your Nana dying and I have been trying to deal with this for the last few months. I've been hearing she's this sick or I need to make her do this or that and really I just want what's best for her. It has been so hard to accept that I can't change this.

I know that God has a plan and it's time to depend on him for guidance. Son, I have been trying very hard to do that. It's not easy. I've imagined keeping my mom and dad here forever and now that has been totally shot down. Even if it was a crazy thought. I love my parents. I don't know what kind of person I would have been if I had been given a different set of parents. God knew what he was doing. He blessed with the best parents in the world.

Cylas, please be with us today. Tell the others to be around us as well. We need to feel everyone's love!! Please watch over Nana and Pop!!!! The girls & I love & miss you so very much...........please keep us strong!!!!!

Love,
Mommy

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD??

Cylas, It's Momma!! It's been awhile since my last post and I'm sorry for that. But you know that you are always on my mind 24-7. Even 5 years into this grief stuff nothing has changed. I still love and miss you just as much as I did right after you died. I'm still broken and have now realized that there will never be a normal for me or your sisters. There has been so much going on......and I'm pretty sure you know that too!! Life is so unfair and unpredictable. I'm still learning that I can't control a situation even though I want to so badly.

Your Nana isn't doing good. She's very sick and I'm very worried about her. She's my momma and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to say goodbye to her. I've had so many people coming at me with different conversations about what I should do or how I should do it..........and right now what I want does not even matter. Her Dementia & Alzheimer's are taking it's toll on her mind, her kidneys are taking a toll on her Body. There has been talk about Dialysis and she's so stubborn and set in her ways the answer has always been a firm "No"! These past few months I've felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.I see no resolutions in sight. It's so hard to explain stuff to her and then her actually remembering the converstaion is really difficult. In my heart of hearts, I want to do everything I can to keep her here, I mean who wouldn't. But right now, the decisions need to be made by her and that's so hard to accept. I mean I guess right now I'm praying for a miracle...............it's the same prayer that I prayed for you.....it's a prayer asking God to please make her better!! That's what Uncle Junebug is doing but I also know that he's falling apart inside. It's different for me....I fall apart when I'm alone...I fall apart on my drive to work....I fall apart everytime I think about this situation. The only relief I feel is when I think about you and Nana reuniting in Heaven!!!! She'll be so happy to see you!!! I hope that you give her a great big hug and tell her stories about your time there. She will be healed and no longer hurting so she'll be able to run and play with you.

Cylas, please watch over all us. These next few months are going to be very difficult not just for me but for everyone. Go visit Pops...............I worry about him the most. He misses you a lot!! And then visit your Sisters. Nana will do anything for her grandbabies and they know it. Losing her is going to be hard on them. Watch over Nana, keep her safe, ask God to please make this process easy for her. Tell him that she's a good woman and best mom/Nana ever. Tell him to take care of her.

Lastly, when you have a chance......come visit with your momma. I could really use some Cylas Lovin' right about now. I miss you sweet boy!!!

Mommy

2 WEEKS

I can't believe that today at 5:28 pm it will be 2 weeks since Aunt Martha passed away. Nana still can't believe she's gone, Preacher is still sad that her gamma is in Heaven & P is having a hard time with it as well. No matter what I say I know that my words will never take their pain away. I miss Martha too but I also know that she's in Heaven with you and that has given me some comfort. You and Martha will now get to know each other.

Please continue watching over us!! It's still hard to deal with this great loss and I know that it will take some time.

I Love You, Cylas Mychal!!!
Mommy