Baby Boy I am getting ready to head to the hospital and it's not a trip I've been looking forward to. Your Nana needs to make some tough decisions today and we have to be there with her. Of course this conversation is going to very hard and I pray for strength to make it through this session. I'm not ready to talk about your Nana dying and I have been trying to deal with this for the last few months. I've been hearing she's this sick or I need to make her do this or that and really I just want what's best for her. It has been so hard to accept that I can't change this.
I know that God has a plan and it's time to depend on him for guidance. Son, I have been trying very hard to do that. It's not easy. I've imagined keeping my mom and dad here forever and now that has been totally shot down. Even if it was a crazy thought. I love my parents. I don't know what kind of person I would have been if I had been given a different set of parents. God knew what he was doing. He blessed with the best parents in the world.
Cylas, please be with us today. Tell the others to be around us as well. We need to feel everyone's love!! Please watch over Nana and Pop!!!! The girls & I love & miss you so very much...........please keep us strong!!!!!
Love,
Mommy
July 24, 2013
July 11, 2013
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD??
Cylas, It's Momma!! It's been awhile since my last post and I'm sorry for that. But you know that you are always on my mind 24-7. Even 5 years into this grief stuff nothing has changed. I still love and miss you just as much as I did right after you died. I'm still broken and have now realized that there will never be a normal for me or your sisters. There has been so much going on......and I'm pretty sure you know that too!! Life is so unfair and unpredictable. I'm still learning that I can't control a situation even though I want to so badly.
Your Nana isn't doing good. She's very sick and I'm very worried about her. She's my momma and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to say goodbye to her. I've had so many people coming at me with different conversations about what I should do or how I should do it..........and right now what I want does not even matter. Her Dementia & Alzheimer's are taking it's toll on her mind, her kidneys are taking a toll on her Body. There has been talk about Dialysis and she's so stubborn and set in her ways the answer has always been a firm "No"! These past few months I've felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.I see no resolutions in sight. It's so hard to explain stuff to her and then her actually remembering the converstaion is really difficult. In my heart of hearts, I want to do everything I can to keep her here, I mean who wouldn't. But right now, the decisions need to be made by her and that's so hard to accept. I mean I guess right now I'm praying for a miracle...............it's the same prayer that I prayed for you.....it's a prayer asking God to please make her better!! That's what Uncle Junebug is doing but I also know that he's falling apart inside. It's different for me....I fall apart when I'm alone...I fall apart on my drive to work....I fall apart everytime I think about this situation. The only relief I feel is when I think about you and Nana reuniting in Heaven!!!! She'll be so happy to see you!!! I hope that you give her a great big hug and tell her stories about your time there. She will be healed and no longer hurting so she'll be able to run and play with you.
Cylas, please watch over all us. These next few months are going to be very difficult not just for me but for everyone. Go visit Pops...............I worry about him the most. He misses you a lot!! And then visit your Sisters. Nana will do anything for her grandbabies and they know it. Losing her is going to be hard on them. Watch over Nana, keep her safe, ask God to please make this process easy for her. Tell him that she's a good woman and best mom/Nana ever. Tell him to take care of her.
Lastly, when you have a chance......come visit with your momma. I could really use some Cylas Lovin' right about now. I miss you sweet boy!!!
Mommy
Your Nana isn't doing good. She's very sick and I'm very worried about her. She's my momma and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to say goodbye to her. I've had so many people coming at me with different conversations about what I should do or how I should do it..........and right now what I want does not even matter. Her Dementia & Alzheimer's are taking it's toll on her mind, her kidneys are taking a toll on her Body. There has been talk about Dialysis and she's so stubborn and set in her ways the answer has always been a firm "No"! These past few months I've felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.I see no resolutions in sight. It's so hard to explain stuff to her and then her actually remembering the converstaion is really difficult. In my heart of hearts, I want to do everything I can to keep her here, I mean who wouldn't. But right now, the decisions need to be made by her and that's so hard to accept. I mean I guess right now I'm praying for a miracle...............it's the same prayer that I prayed for you.....it's a prayer asking God to please make her better!! That's what Uncle Junebug is doing but I also know that he's falling apart inside. It's different for me....I fall apart when I'm alone...I fall apart on my drive to work....I fall apart everytime I think about this situation. The only relief I feel is when I think about you and Nana reuniting in Heaven!!!! She'll be so happy to see you!!! I hope that you give her a great big hug and tell her stories about your time there. She will be healed and no longer hurting so she'll be able to run and play with you.
Cylas, please watch over all us. These next few months are going to be very difficult not just for me but for everyone. Go visit Pops...............I worry about him the most. He misses you a lot!! And then visit your Sisters. Nana will do anything for her grandbabies and they know it. Losing her is going to be hard on them. Watch over Nana, keep her safe, ask God to please make this process easy for her. Tell him that she's a good woman and best mom/Nana ever. Tell him to take care of her.
Lastly, when you have a chance......come visit with your momma. I could really use some Cylas Lovin' right about now. I miss you sweet boy!!!
Mommy