SO MUCH GOING ON

Cylas there is so much happening around here. I'm glad that you are in heaven to watch over us. Nana is sick and I don't think she will get any better. Her Alzheimer's is progressing and right now she is just so weak. We are having to keep a close eye on her. Right now all we can do is pray!! Please watch over your nana. She loved holding you and loving on you while you were here and I am pretty sure she would love to feel you around her. Pops is heartbroken. He realizes that she's not going to be the "old" Nana or wife that he once knew. It's going to be a different scenario all too soon. We are not ready to see or lose her. She's been so strong and driven for so long. It's so hard to see her in this condition. Right now she still moves around we just have to watch her and make sure she doesn't fall and she still tries to cook but even that is becoming more hazordous. Your Uncle Junebug is having a hard time dealing with this news. I think we all are. We all just show it differently. I tend to run from my feelings until I can't run no more. And I let it stress me out which right now is not good for me. Your Big sissy is trying to understand what's going on with her Nana and it's so hard to explain things to her. I don't want her to be hurt either. I would much rather her enjoy this time with Nana and have that memory to fall back on. T is too young to understand. She still Nana can move the heaven and earth when she yells at her, LOL!! They are gonna have to watch the changes in their Nana and I'm going to have to find the right words to explain to them. And I know I can do it. I did it before after you passed away. I had to look into Miss Priss' eyes and break her heart by telling her you weren't coming home. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I found the words that time and I know that God will help me explain things to them again.

Then there's me!! I've been having chest pains for a few months and I've been trying to find out what's causing it. I seen a Cardiologist and he doesn't think it's my heart but that doesn't explain the pain I've been feeling. I just want it to go away. I've got to call and set up an appointment to get a heart catheterization done on August 13th. The Dr said that this would answer all my questions and hopefully put my mind at ease. There's alot of things I need to plan for. With Nana being so sick I don't have anyone I trust to watch your sisters. I'm kind of in a bind. That alone makes me want to cancel this whole procedure. But I know that I've got to find out or it will drive me crazy. I will figure out the details and I just hope and pray that I don't have any blockages and it's a one day procedure. I'm scared and I worry about the girls. I'm all they have. I'm the one person that they know they can depend on. I've got my church family praying for me and I've been doing some praying. I believe that prayers are answered and I believe in the power of prayers. I've got an appointment with the Oncologist Wednesday to find out if I have cancer (which the doctor is pretty sure I don't.) And that's a little scary!!! So much is going on. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I feel pretty much like I did after you got so sick and it looked hopeless for you. All I wanted to do was trade places with you. I wanted to take away your pain. I'm feeling helpless right now. I hate the unknown!!! I've been there before with you and I definitely didn't want to ever revisit that feeling again. Please watch over me as well. You are my special guardian angel and I love you very much. Watch over your sisters during this time. Comfort their hearts.

I just want to make sure I am here for your sisters. I long to reunite with you but I know that you are fine. You are in Heaven. You have no worries, no sickness, or no pain. I don't want to leave your precious sisters without a mommy. Being a mommy is the greatest thing that this life has to offer. So Please Cylas I ask that you watch over your family!!! Send us some comfort and peace!!!

Love you Little man!!!!!

A LITTLE HECTIC

As I am writing this I find that my life has gotten a little hectic. I'm having some health issues and it's a little scary and aggravating. Apparently my white blood count has been high since I had you and the doctors here in Cherokee are just now sending out to see why? I was afraid it was cancer, because as you can see, I read too much. The doctor I seen said he doesn't think it's cancer but he did run some tests and I go back to see him on the 25th. I've also been having chest pains. I've had two EKG's done, One doctor's visit at Cherokee, I had a stress test done on Monday, July 9th and found out today that the EKO came back abnormal. I've had one doctor appointment after another. It seems as though they are non stop here lately. But I want to find out what's going on with me. I don't have time to fall apart. I don't have anyone to help raise your sisters, it's just me. And they need me. I want to make sure that I am here for them. So I go see a cardiologist next Thursday so we shall see. I also have to go see a dermatologist but that's not until August.

T has to go see a doctor in Asheville about her arm. Her doctor thinks it's healing well but he said he would feel better if she was seen over there. Miss Priss is the only one holding up, LOL. She's enjoying her summer and dreads the start of a new school year. She'll be in the third grade. We took your turtle to you yesterday. She picked a spot out for it on your grave and took pictures with her tablet. They sure do miss you. T talks about you being in heaven and that you are her big brother. And Miss Priss still sleeps with Stripes the tiger you "left" her. And she won't share that thing with T for nothing. I'm so happy they love you the way they do. You are one lucky little boy. You've got a ton of come flying to you every night!!!!

I keep moving forward and I try not to think about the stuff going on in my life. But sometimes it's hard. I can feel the worry and grief building up on my shoulders. And it's not a good feeling. Cylas, please watch over me and keep me safe. You are my guardian angel and I love you!!!

Mommy